Law School Exposé: How Leggings Made Me Fat

[Ed. Note: The following is again from Gianna Scatchell, the blogger behind LegallyNoted.com]

What’s essential to any busy, studying gal’s wardrobe?  Leggings. 

They can do no wrong as part of the perfect on-the-go outfit.  What’s the one pair of pants that look great with everything from Uggs to stilettos?  Leggings.  Day time.  Night time.  Any time!  During finals, it’s even acceptable to pair them with your college sweatshirt for a style a la Peg Bundy.

However, these devilish threads should come with a disclaimer: “Winter weather, law school stress, high-calorie snacks, needless carbs, lack of desirable sex partners and every variety of alcohol could make this the ONLY wardrobe item you can fit into.”

The forgiving, comfortable stretch of leggings deceive you into thinking that you’re not getting fat because they’re black—and therefore slimming.  So, after you attack a bowl of chips and guac to eat your feelings over your upcoming property exam, leggings (and willful blindness) are like a best friend who deceives you into believing that your clothes are not getting tighter by the hour.

But before you know it, the day comes when you try to put on a different piece of lower-torso clothing—like, oh, I don’t know, an interview outfit, perhaps—and you realize that your fat-enabling leggings, the ones that were supposed to be your best freaking friend, have left you alone to squeeze into your sausage casing of a business suit.  Then it carries over to every other ensemble you try and put on.

What’s your initial response?  Reverting back to leggings, of course.  Can’t break the cycle.

The other day, I thought about deviating from my legging-boot law school uniform and showing up to class in jeans.  Woof!  Huge mistake.  It took a couple hops, tugs, grease, and a broken nail to get them on.  Made me late for my lecture.  So, what’s a girl to do?

Buy jeggings.

Jeggings (AKA jean leggings) are the satanic co-conspirator of leggings.  The basic message of jeggings is: “If you’ve used law school as an excuse to grow out of your True Religion’s and Rock & Republic’s from hot-ass undergrad days of yore, don’t worry.  Just cram your expanding ass into a pair of $13 jeggings from Forever 21.”

How can my ass compete with the cheap comfort of jeggings?  It can’t.  My haunches, rivaling pre-diet Kim Kardasian’s, have left me disgusted and betrayed.  And after my pants-suit button nearly launched off and put out an interviewing partner’s eye, I see no other logical choice than to end my affair with leggings. 

Who knew these seemingly innocent extremity wraps could cause so much destruction?!  Well, apparently not a single woman in law school.  But, I feel the waves of change are upon us.  We’re finally tuning in to the murmurs of our male law school counterparts.  Unlike riparian rights, there is no dispute: Leggings kill.  And a chair-ass revolution is about to begin. 

Personally, I know my co-dependent, abusive relationship with them will be hard to overcome, so I put together an arsenal of butt-busting techniques.  And I hope all law school ladies who are increasingly packing some J. in the tray will join in my salvo.  (You know who you are.  Just look down at your jeggings-clad legs.  You’re better than that.)

1.  WORKOUT REGIME

Running on a treadmill makes me feel like a hamster, so I mix things up to stay entertained.  Try pole dancing or Kim Kardashian: Fit In Your Jeans by Friday: Butt Blasting Cardio Step.

2. EATING HEALTHIER

Supplement with Chromium, which allegedly stops sweet cravings, if necessary.

3. QUIT DRINKING SMARTER DRINKING

Oh the empty calories involved in a night of blowing off steam.  (Ready to throw up your Lean Cuisine?  Here is a list of the average calories in alcoholic beverages.) To burn off just one Pabst Blue Ribbon, I’d have to do any of the following: 31 minutes of walking, 13 minutes of jogging, nine minutes of swimming or 17 minutes of cycling.

My friends and I drink Skinny Bitch Margaritas now when we go out.  Light on calories, big on flavor.

1 part Silver Tequila

1 part Club Soda

Splash of Saint Germain

Fresh-Squeezed Lime

4.  COFFEE—NOT COFFEE DRINKS

If drinking plain coffee just isn’t possible for you, Starbucks has a lighter-side menu with a bunch of options for lesser-calorie drinks that still pack loads of caffeine.

5. WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS, RESORT BACK TO LEGGINGS

Game on.  Wish me luck!

Read “Ten Ways for Women NOT to Get Sex in Law School.”

Check out other lists, tallies and scores to settle in Bitter by Numbers.

Join Bitter Lawyer on Facebook.  Follow on Twitter

Buy Bitter Lawyer merchandise.

What’s essential to any busy, studying gal’s wardrobe?  Leggings. 

They can do no wrong as part of the perfect on-the-go outfit.  What’s the one pair of pants that look great with everything from Uggs to stilettos?  Leggings.  Day time.  Night time.  Any time!  During finals, it’s even acceptable to pair them with your college sweatshirt for a style a la Peg Bundy.

However, these devilish threads should come with a disclaimer: “Winter weather, law school stress, high-calorie snacks, needless carbs, lack of desirable sex partners and every variety of alcohol could make this the ONLY wardrobe item you can fit into.”

Read more from Gianna Scatchell.

20 Comments

  1. BL1Y

    March 10, 2010 at 8:10 am

    Novelty exercises like pole dancing or other dance classes don’t really burn that many calories.  The reason you see infomercials for dance exercise routines with extremely fit women is because they’re on the treadmill/elliptical machine before and after the light-weight dance workout.

  2. Alma Federer

    March 10, 2010 at 8:29 am

    I work out every day.  That is why I stay slim and very able to dress with leggings.  I don’t wear these to work because men like to stare at me.  But I do on weekends and when I go out at nite after work.  I have to work to stay slim, because I sit virtually all day at work.

  3. Mean commentator

    March 10, 2010 at 9:06 am

    I don’t think anyone old enough to refer to Peg Bundy ought to be giving fashion advice. If you were 15 then you’re what…50? now.

  4. Son Of Guano

    March 10, 2010 at 9:11 am

    So Alma: you grace total strangers with the results of your workouts, but deprive the men who employ you and support a law firm of the same benefit? What kind of weird passive/aggressive behavior is that?

  5. Prom Queen

    March 10, 2010 at 9:44 am

    Son:
    See: Alma’s comments included on the post about “why Women don’t get Laid in Law School” from last week.

  6. BL1Y

    March 10, 2010 at 10:14 am

    Alma thinks that, but for leering eyes, leggings would be appropriate attire for the workplace?  What a joke.

  7. Alma Federer

    March 10, 2010 at 10:29 am

    No, BL1Y, I do not think leggings are work appropriate dress, even on days with snow.  On those days, I do wear slacks, and I have to change from my Uggs into heels because I do not want to ruin my shoes in the subway.  As for the Son of Guana, I do not think there is anything wrong in me telling people how hard I work to stay slim.  I do not pig out on donuts and have an ice coffee at Dunkin Donuts and that is my worst vice.  So I know I am doing something right when men look at me.  It is just that I do not want the men in my office to think of me in a sexual way, since I will not do anything with them outside of work.

  8. KateLaw

    March 10, 2010 at 11:51 am

    Uhhh, leggings don’t make you fat.. lack of exercise & poor diet choices do.  If you’re out of shape, no one wants to see you in leggings.  I don’t care how damn comfortable they are.

  9. Frat Guy Law Type

    March 10, 2010 at 2:03 pm

    Paradoxically, chicks with a higher work output capacity can get away with more because they have the ability to burn more calories in the gym.  That’s the reason guys burn more: More muscle burning calories at rest, higher output in the gym.  Ultimately, it comes down to diet.  If you’re in law school, you can’t work out enough to burn off regular quadruple fatty frappuchinos and lunchtime buffet blitzes.  Oh, higher work output capacity = more strength

    and power = lifting.  But keep powerwalking and hope for the best.

  10. Bill

    March 10, 2010 at 3:43 pm

    Women with fat asses will be just as gross with or without leggings.  I don’t know why these pigs go around saying clothes makes them look fat.  KateLaw is right.  If you eat, you will be fat unless you exercise.  I’d go for Alma before some of the fatties on this site.  At least she takes care of her self, even tho she won’t show her body to any man who she is not married to.

  11. Guano Dubango

    March 10, 2010 at 4:26 pm

    I would not concur with the above.  I am willing to give all women a chance to please me, but I much prefer the beautiful and slim woman to the water buffalo, if given the choice.  Hence, I would much prefer to bang Alma, Katelaw or another slim beauty before sexing up with a larger beast.  However, if I have no other choice, I will have sex with a fat woman, as long as she is an attorney.

  12. not as tubby as you

    March 10, 2010 at 7:03 pm

    you are fat.  and that is bad.

  13. Chick Litigator

    March 11, 2010 at 3:17 am

    Jeggings are even worse. Don’t do it. Just don’t. And if you’re fat, you really shouldn’t be doing leggings either. Go to the mall and buy a pair or two of jeans that actually fits. And then get thee to the gym.

  14. Aunt Ooona

    March 11, 2010 at 9:44 am

    Guano, I have tol you too many times to count, don grovel to a woman. She may like cuddly kittens and puppies but she no take off her clothes for them. You dump that cheapa tie, do more crunches and carry a copy of the FT (Financial Times) if you wanna bed the slim, elegant, feminine girl you want.  An you need to act confident, not rushed, nota sweaty or desparate.  When woman see a man, they imagine how he taka off their clothes. Too fast is not good. Slow and seductive isa good.  And you forget alma: women who despise the men she work with –men who worka hard, try hard and are good men– is woman that woulda despise you too. She is kind of woman that eventually despise everyone she knows well, finding alla their faults, an always facinated by what she cannot have an does nota know. She will treat a husband like he got big favor marrying her and make him miserable.  You do as I say and finda sensible girl like KateLaw or chicklitigator. I read whata they say. They seem good girls. Men be lucky to have them. Both of them probably wild in bed too, unlike snotty woman who thinka you get big favor by just talking to her. Do as I say now.

  15. Beula Slim

    March 11, 2010 at 10:03 am

    I agree with Aunt Ooona.  Guano, go for the women who appreciate you, not the snotty ones, even if their tushes are tight.  But there is nothing wrong with the fatter women.  They will be more anxious to satisfy you and give you what you want in bed.  Also, you don’t have to worry about impaling yourself on their pelvis.  The extra layers of cushioning also will allow you to have fun on top with her acting as Michelin Woman without worrying about hurting her.  Go for it, fella!

  16. LB

    March 11, 2010 at 4:56 pm

    Ladies, for those of you who choose to wear leggings: for God’s sake make sure whatever you’re wearing on top is long enough to cover your ass/crotch regions.  No one wants to see the outline of your thong. 
    Also, why does Aunt Ooona speak like Borat? “Dump that cheapa tie”?

  17. Bitter B

    March 11, 2010 at 8:23 pm

    I’m with LB.  People who wear leggings should also be aware when bending over the fabric stretches and becomes see-through, revealing what you are (or are not) wearing underneath.  Not pleasant for the people sitting behind you.

  18. I still laugh at the word 'tort'

    March 11, 2010 at 10:15 pm

    Alma, you’re a .

  19. CA 1L

    March 16, 2010 at 7:38 pm

    I have relatively nice legs, and I still refuse to wear leggings. They never made anyone look good! (Unless you are anorexic, in which case everything looks good on you in that sickly way.) I can see your thighs rub together when you walk and wonder how your spandex hasn’t caught fire. Oh when you come back to reality, burn your stupid rolly-bag too.

  20. The Truth

    March 18, 2010 at 5:44 pm

    I like how you say there’s a lack of “desirable” men to hook up with….HAHA…..you are a fat pig with no style and class.
    If you want to wear leggings, go back to your lesbian sorority house. Law school is a PROFESSIONAL school.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>