Q: As a lawyer, would you marry another lawyer? I just started law school and it seems to me that being married to another lawyer would be a match made in hell.
A: For starters, I’m wondering whether what you’re really saying is that all of the guys in your law school class are terrible and it would be hell to marry any of them. If so, I can sympathize completely. The guys in my law school class were literally some of the least attractive and most repulsive men on the entire planet. I hadn’t met many lawyers prior to starting law school (if I had, I wouldn’t have gone to law school in the first place), so the guys in my class were my first introduction to the wholly off-putting and vaguely gross world of male lawyers. Which means that, by the end of the first semester of my 1L year, I was convinced that marrying a lawyer would be a fate worse than death. God, just thinking about those guys makes my skin crawl. They were either: (i) asexual milquetoasts; (ii) Vineyard Vines-wearing Turd Fergusons who tried way too hard to appear effortlessly preppy; or (iii) imperiously argumentative dorks. Oh, and the lone few who didn’t belong in any of those categories were engaged – to nasty, jealous, bitchy girls who glared at you constantly when they were brought to post-finals happy hours.
That being said, you’re also correct that being married to another lawyer would be a match made in hell if you’re the type that constantly and triumphantly announces that you decided to become a lawyer because you love to argue. If that describes you, then yes, it would be absolute, unmitigated hell for you to marry another lawyer. And it wouldn’t just be hell for you and him. It would be hell for anyone unlucky enough to be forced (either by blood or contract) to spend time with the two of you. Nothing makes for a more insufferable evening than listening to a married couple bicker. But it’s a million times worse when the husband and wife are sniping at one another about insufferable things like grammatical errors, litigation strategies, and the logical extension of each and every point made by the other. You know that scene in Airplane where the old lady hangs herself while Striker is talking? That’s the image that immediately comes to mind when I envision two know-it-all lawyers heading down the aisle.
Come to think of it, no matter how you describe yourself and irrespective of what you do for a living, it’s a categorically bad idea to marry an “I love to argue” type of lawyer. Anyone forced to endure years of being reproached, corrected, patronized, mocked, scolded, and argued with will ultimately be driven insane – or, at the very least – into the arms of another. That’s the real lesson in all of this: next time you meet a lawyer and think you might like to ask him on a date, first ask him whether he likes to argue. If he says anything other than “no,” run to the nearest exit immediately. Deal breaker!