Let’s Digest the News


I’ll admit it . . . I’ve been tough on Florida. There is just a certain je ne sais quoi with Florida dumbasses criminals that makes it impossible to not stereotype the entire state. Then I read about Robert Gernot and Florida totally redeems itself. Gernot’s neighbor gave him a beer and cigarette. Gernot thanked him by calling his neighbor’s mother a whore. The neighbor, whose mother is apparently not a whore, was offended and stated he would beat up Gernot. Gernot responded in-kind, “When I get done taking a shit, I am going to kick your fucking ass.”

Power. Move. No ifs, ands or buts about it.

The right to take a shit before engaging in fisticuffs definitely falls under the Rules of Engagement umbrella. Everybody knows you need to take a pre-game shit before you do anything important. A fight won while the other party needs to shit carries an asterisk. Any honorable man would let their adversary poop before the haymakers fly… I just didn’t think we would learn this lesson from Florida.

Cintia Mayerle has a bad lawyer. The Brazilian housewife was awarded about $5,000 after she discovered a condom in the remainder of a jar of pasta sauce after her family had already eaten the meal. Shut the front door. Anytime there is an unrolled condom in the pasta sauce you are entitled to nothing less than Eleventy Bagillion Dollars. This is why you should hire Jackie Childes. Five grand is totally inappropriate. It’s lewd lascivious, salacious, outrageous!

I love my sister… but I completely get where Joseph Perry Jr. is coming from when he battered his sister after she criticized how much maple syrup he put on his pancakes. Q: How much syrup is too much syrup?  A: That is a trick question because you can never have too much syrup. This isn’t the sandbox anymore. You can’t steal my cool birthday presents and put makeup on me and dress me up in crazy outfits to the amusement of you and your friends. I mean, you can’t do that to Joe Jr. The dude is 47-years-old. He can make Aunt Jemima flow like the salmon of Capistrano. Mrs. Buttersworth all up in this bitch.

Christian Luckett called 911 ten times to complain about services at a Cincinnati, Ohio Skyline Chili. Luckett was charged with disorderly conduct while intoxicated from the incident. Oh man. Nothing is worse than bad service at a restaurant. Completely ruins a meal, but I need more information before I approve of 10 calls to 911. What was the bad service here? Slow drink refiller? Too many interruptions? Not enough interruptions? My guess: I bet the server was one of those memory-order-takers. Write down my order like a normal human being. Waiters who insist that being able to remember my order like it’s the most impressive move you can make in the restaurant service profession are douche bags. How about you make the only move necessary to be a waiter and get my order right without having to come over three times to double check if I wanted onions on my number 2. (Small footnote… Skyline Chili is amazing drunk food. Nothing makes a stomach full of booze happier than 10-15 coney dogs.)

Sam Boughen was in a coma for eight days after his liver transplant. When he finally awoke, Sam skipped all the lovey dovey bullshit and demanded a “KFC burger with gravy.” First thing’s first . . . what the hell is a KFC burger?! I’m a fast food connoisseur of sorts and I know KFC doesn’t sell a burger. Moreover, there are 1,000 things I’d pick above a KFC sandwich (although some gravy would likely be involved). Nonetheless, I respect the move. Talking about how you love your family is for the birds.

P.S. Is a coma like sleeping? Sleeping for eight days would be amazing. Wake up feeling so refreshed. No wonder why he woke up wanting a snack. Nothing is better than brunch after sleeping in on the weekends. Eggs Benedict FTW.

Post image from Shutterstock

Douglas Stephan is a solo attorney and owner of the Law Office of Douglas A. Stephan. He received his JD in 2010 from Ohio Northern University and BA from Ohio University. His practice is located outside of Dayton, Ohio. You can follow him on Twitter @stephanlaw.

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