I Lied to a Partner About Girl Scout Cookies

QI’m a fairly new associate at a large firm. Recently, a partner made the rounds at the firm—at least on my floor in my practice group—telling us that his daughter is a Girl Scout and is selling Girl Scout cookies. Would I be interested, he asked. Honestly—and I know I’m in the minority on this—I don’t like Girl Scout cookies and get royally annoyed every year by the hypercompetitive industrial oversell of them. But that’s another story, and I didn’t launch into that story when I answered the partner.

I lied. I said, “No, thanks, I’m diabetic.” He said he didn’t know that and then mentioned his sister who struggles with diabetes and that his brother-in-law is a “saint” who took charge of her nutrition and keeps her healthy. I kept up the lie, even though I had a soda on my desk at the time and was eating caramel popcorn at a meeting with him earlier in the week (I didn’t think of these things at the time.)

Now—and it’s actually been less than a week—the partner emailed me a diabetic’s recipe list from his brother-in-law and mentioned to me that I should tell HR about my “condition.” Yesterday I had to think twice about what not to take with me to a practice group meeting and I’ve started to research what I—as a diabetic—can or cannot eat, drink, or do. I’m going nuts, and it’s only about six days. Should I spill the beans and ‘fess up or try to maintain the charade temporarily then let it die? I think I’m screwed.

AScore! You just took a $40 high-impact opportunity and squandered it. First, if it ever happens again—and given your response I doubt that it will—swallow your “industrial oversell” conspiracy theory and say, “awesome, my mom loves Thin Mints and can’t get them where she live. I’ll take ten boxes” Cost: $40. Impact: a spot on the partner’s “someone to remember” list.

The reality? You’ve got an associated mess on your hands that’s difficult to come out from unscathed. I see four choices:

  1. Keep up your secret life as a non-diabetic diabetic. Hey, maybe it’ll be an adventure and you’ll lose a little weight, discover the joys of method acting, and bond with the partner over a fake common interest.
  2. Start looking for another job because you’re fucked. Who wants a lying sack of shit around? Although once you get caught—and you will get outed, it’s only a matter of time—you may get points for being a scheming, manipulative, and creative associate who thinks “outside the box.” Y’now, partner material.
  3. Do nothing and hope the whole thing dies a slow death. Given the partner’s enthusiasm for your predicament—which may actually be a sly way of saying “game on, pal, I know what you are trying to do”—I doubt it will die off without a lot of pain.
  4. Walk into the partner’s office tomorrow with a check for ten boxes of Do-Si-Dos and five boxes of Thin Mints. Say “Sorry, I was so swamped when you came by and didn’t know how to say no without sounding like an ass. I’m not diabetic. I don’t know why I said that. My bad.”

I’d pick door number four. Mostly because I’m a terrible actor. And I happen to be eating a box of Do-Si-Dos as I write this.

Post image from BrunoSINNAH/ Shutterstock.com

Ex-Bitter is a former big firm lawyer who now doles out advice to anyone who asks. Got a question? Email it to advice@bitterlawyer.com. Or read more Advice from an Ex-Bitter.

7 Comments

  1. Laughing 3L

    February 17, 2012 at 8:22 am

    Wow….This is Seinfeld funny.

  2. 2L Cynic

    February 17, 2012 at 8:34 am

    As someone who actually has diabetes, I really hope that you develop it now, so you can find out that its a lot more than an excuse to be a cheap asshole.

  3. Ellen

    February 17, 2012 at 3:43 pm

    I like GIRL scout cookie’s b/c they are very good to eat. The manageing partner bring’s them in all of the time, so I like the THIN MINTS.

  4. Dr. Juris

    February 21, 2012 at 10:14 am

    Tagalongs are the freaking bomb. Option 4 with a side of milk, please.

  5. southern bitter

    February 21, 2012 at 3:35 pm

    I say take # 3 and give up the soda. besides, you can’t by top dollar cokes with food stamps.

  6. Jeff

    February 7, 2013 at 10:04 am

    Too funny, you should have just bought a couple boxes. I don’t like them either, but I’ll buy a couple from my nieces and give them away to homeless people who usually throw them out for me.

  7. Bruce Colwin

    August 27, 2013 at 7:50 am

    Definitely #4. BTW, I think there’s a possibility that the Partner knew you were making an excuse not to buy cookies and was f*cking with you.

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