Gayholm Syndrome: LIVING the DREAM, Webisode 5

If you really must know, a million years ago, when I was a first-year law student, a woman I was dating off and on asked me one night, jokingly, if I was gay. It’s worth noting that the question was posed moments after I told her, yet again, that I was tired and not in the mood to have sex. It’s also worth noting that I was stressed out, studying for finals and dating someone else at the time.  Anyway . . . .

Two days later, after about 40 consecutive hours of studying torts, my mind began to drift—and I began to wonder if maybe I was gay.  Until this precise moment in time, the thought had never entered my mind. Not for a millisecond. But somehow, after being trapped in a library for what seemed like a decade, I began to question everything and anything—especially if it was unrelated to law. Did I believe in God?  Was The Godfather Part II really better than The Godfather, or is it just one of those trendy things to say? Is it possible to actually hear color?

So anyway, there I was, studying “foreseeability” when a handsome blond man walked past. No big deal. But then, my so-called girlfriend’s words began to echo in my mind. “Are you gay?” Bored and sensory deprived, I stared at the lad and wondered: if I were on a desert island, could I possibly imagine . . . Oh my God! I could. Kind of. I guess. Imagine it. In a theoretical, desert-island kind of way. Maybe. Then again, I could also imagine eating raw bison if I was on a fucking desert island.  Nonetheless, my mind began to race. Was I really gay?  And if I was, how come it never occurred to me before? And how come I like women so much? Thankfully, a moment later, another man walked by. Fat, kind of bald. No interest. Then another. Athletic, reasonably attractive. Nope. As I was trying to process all this, a not-so-attractive woman walked by and my sexual orientation was instantaneously—and unequivocally—restored. If she were on the desert island too, I’d go with the not-so-cute woman. No brainer. The blond guy was officially dead to me. Desert island or no desert island.

For about twelve seconds, I was convinced I might be gay—not because I was gay, but because I’d been so goddamn deprived of any and all external stimulation for weeks. Not to mention sleep.

Gayholm Syndrome (a riff on Stockholm Syndrome) is a law-firm dramatization of the cruel jokes your mind can play when you’re trapped in a windowless conference room for three days straight. POWs fall in love with their captors even though they hate them, so why can’t first year associates fall in love with gay co-workers even though they’re straight?

Rick Eid spent eight long, confusing years as a lawyer and investment banker before he finally bailed out to become a writer. He was the founder of Bitter Lawyer, where he also created the web video series Living the Dream. He has since been a producer and executive producer of Law & Order, CSI, and The Hostages, among other television shows. Read articles and content from Rick Eid.

7 Comments

  1. Sandy

    August 28, 2008 at 6:25 pm

    Your gay

  2. Meeg

    August 29, 2008 at 5:39 am

    his gay what?

  3. NCLawyer

    August 29, 2008 at 2:03 pm

    Loving the show. And btw, the following is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time:
    “Was The Godfather Part II really better than The Godfather, or is it just one of those trendy things to say? “

  4. BGB

    August 30, 2008 at 8:00 am

    So this implies that homosexuals are confused due to deprivation of external stimuli from opposite sex. You should get a phd in psychology! Imagine the implications of this theory on our society!

  5. Devin

    August 30, 2008 at 1:28 pm

    Wow.  If that’s what you think, BGB, then you might be overly sensitive about the issue and have some of your own implications to deal with.  It’s amazing how an author can write such a simple, entertaining story only to have someone like you find it controversial.  It’s about a time that he was so delirious and drained that it made him doubt something as natural as his own sexuality.  The title of the piece is “Jokes Your Mind Can Play.” Not “I Think I Know Now Why People Are Gay.” Fail!

  6. Anonymous

    September 2, 2008 at 3:36 am

    This s a dull episode. We are not interested in homo sexual issues.  We want real life examples of lawyering issues.  After all, if this is about being a bitter lawyer, I can’t see the connection (although some homosexuals might disagree)….ptuey!

  7. brian

    September 3, 2008 at 1:22 pm

    hey rick im your second cousin…kens kid lol

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