March Is Getting Mad!


The Madness continues. Mixing 70-degree weather and St. Patrick’s Day is a ticking time bomb for dumb criminals.

Hopefully your bar tab wasn’t too bad from all the festivities. If you had multiple pages listing Green beer drafts perhaps you even thought about stiffing the bar on the bill. If you thought you had a cool dine/booze and dash story you are about to get one-up’ed.

Four unidentified men ordered drinks at the upscale restaurant Vue de Monde, which happens to be on the 55th floor of a building in Melbourne, Australia. The ultimate bros then took off their suits in the bathroom, climbed onto the balcony and BASE jumped from the 243-meter high building. Quickly climbing into a getaway car waiting for them on the ground, the four men participated in the best dine and dash ever.

A huge Cinderella story out of Germany came to an abrupt stop this week. Within weeks Germans had fallen in love with Til, a baby rabbit born without ears in a small zoo in Saxony. Til’s cuteness combined with the rarity of earless rabbits made him an instant media celebrity, especially in Germany, which has a history of worshipping furry baby animals and David Hasselhoff. Zoo officials planned to make Til’s first official presentation at a press conference and that is when shit hit the fan, or should I say the floor. “During the filming, the cameraman took a step back and trod on the bunny, zoo director Uwe Dempewolf stated. “He was immediately dead, he didn’t suffer. It was a direct hit. No one could have foreseen this. Everyone here is upset. The cameraman was distraught.”

Has anyone had more bad luck than Germany? The first cameraman who walks through the door steps on his head. Boom! Til the Earless Rabbit is dead. Moreover, this occurred almost one year after the death of Knut, Berlin’s polar bear star who died after falling into a moat. The Germany Tourism Board has got to be upset with this one. The only thing that could clear the whole Hitler cloud is cute, furry, animals and they keep getting knocked off one by one. A conspiracy is afoot in Deutschland. I’m not saying it’s Hasselhoff, but it’s definitely Hasselhoff.

Nadine Schweigert says her wedding went so perfectly that it left her in awe. She was the only one. Not because it was a bad wedding but simply because she was the only one. Seriously. She married herself. Seriously. The 36-year-old Fargo woman went Sue Sylvester style and engaged in a “purely symbolic ceremony” in front of a crowd of 45 friends and family members. I am also guessing her bridesmaids were made up of the numerous cats she lives with. Schweigerts says the secular ceremony is a public pronouncement of how fucking off her rocker she is she has learned to love and accept herself.

First, while this “marriage” has no legal basis, it really should. And by that I mean you should be locked up in the loony bin if you marry yourself. It takes an odd bird to pull that move. Even Schweigert’s 11-year-old son gets it. “Initially his response was to put his hand on my shoulder. He said, ‘I love you, but I’m embarrassed for you right now and I’m not coming,’” Schweigert stated.

Seriously is there anything more embarrassing for a teen than to have their mom marry herself? Second, who are these 45 people who showed up? How does someone this crazy have 45 friends willing to waste a Saturday listening to this narcissistic bitch exchange vows while looking into a Stuart Smalley mirror. Do you bring a gift? Can I just register for a bunch of shit at Sears and throw a huge party for my friends and get a new toaster and blender? Nicest friends on the planet.

Usually the saying “If you can’t keep it in your pants, keep it in the family,” only applies in West Virginia, but a Philadelphia family took it to a whole new level this week. Sarah Butler entered Upper Darby High School and demanded to see a student. After being denied admission, things got weird. Butler along with three of her children—23-year-old Joanne Butler, 22-year-old Bessie Butler and a 14-year-old son—decided to disrobe. The family members stripped naked in the parking lot and began chanting, “God is great.”

Of all the forms of protest, stripping naked has to be the worst. Not to mention hanging out (literally) with your family in the buff is just uncomfortable. I’m guessing they also took off their WWJD bracelets because I forget the part where you are to be in your birthday suit to pray. Oh, and the kid you wanted to get out of school . . . absolutely no chance they are coming now. I thought having your mom marry herself was the most awkward thing for a teenager but having your entire family get buck naked in the parking lot is way worse. Approximately 10000% worse.

Post image by Christophe Michot/Shutterstock.com

Douglas Stephan is a solo attorney and owner of the Law Office of Douglas A. Stephan. He received his JD in 2010 from Ohio Northern University and BA from Ohio University. His practice is located outside of Dayton, Ohio. You can follow him on Twitter @stephanlaw.

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