Meatloaf and Jenga, My Ass


I’ve actually been busy and feeling less demoralized recently, thanks to doing lots of Insurance Recovery work. (To the uninitiated, fighting with insurance companies for large claims on behalf of corporate policyholders). The IR partners are the most humane in the litigation group—not to mention the only ones with lots of work right now.

It’s funny how otherwise soulless litigation gains luster simply by having an identifiable enemy on the other side. Insurance companies—regardless of distinction—are awful. They have the unique ability to crush almost anything in their paths. They’re the Goliath of all Goliaths—as in somehow they’re able to render Fortune 50 companies with clever, fancy lawyers (that’s me) and multimillion dollar litigation budgets into little more than a guy in leather sandals with a stone in his hand.

This past Friday, we were handed a crushing (and unjust) defeat by a trial court judge. Unsurprisingly, the judge’s former career in private practice occurred at a large firm that gets the bulk of its billable work from insurance companies.

I decided to console myself with some weekend TV. But just as only Huggies and EPT commercials seem to air when I fear that I’m pregnant, every single commercial seemed to be for an insurance company. Maybe I’m extra hyper because I chased a spinning class with a large Dunkin Donuts coffee, but I’m reeling with rage over an Allstate Insurance commercial that just hijacked my Sony Bravia screen.

In it, an actor (who the rest of us know as David Palmer, the first black president of the fictional United States on the hit TV show 24) beguilingly delivers a message that I hope the general public recognizes as absurd—not to mention condescending and outrageous.  He piously touts the lessons that “we’ve” learned over the past year. For instance, that “meatloaf and Jenga can actually be more fun than reservations and box seats,” and that “who’s around your TV is more important than how big it is.”

First off, who’s this “we” to which fictional President Palmer refers? Surely not current Allstate execs, given that chief Thomas J. Wilson’s $2.92 million in take-home pay led to a Forbes ranking of #371 for CEO compensation in 2009 (and his $9.51 million in compensation gave him a #184 ranking in 2008). I’m guessing that the last time Wilson crowded around a rabbit-eared, late-model TV with his buddies in a ramshackle garage was, um, never.

Fictional President Palmer similarly can’t be referring to Allstate’s past execs, either, since the handsomely paid Wilson replaced none other than Edward M. Liddy as chief—Liddy’s exploits since leaving Allstate for AIG include delivering a giant “Eff you!” to American taxpayers by signing off on $165 million in executive bonuses on the heels of a staggering $150 billion taxpayer bailout—actions that were condemned by the real-life first black President of the United States.

In other words, the insurance giant and its henchmen want to make sure that we understand that we should learn to appreciate the cheaper things in life, since their actions have solidified that we sure as hell won’t ever be able to afford anything else. Although that doesn’t square with the underlying theme of the commercial, which seems to hint that the blame for our new inability to drive fancy cars and sit in box seats falls on us for having foolishly overextended ourselves by purchasing those things in the first place.

The final insulting blow comes at the end of the commercial, when we’re reminded that Allstate’s insurance places us in “good hands.” I’m shocked that any consumer could be lulled into submission with this metaphor, given that the book From Good Hands to Boxing Gloves: The Dark Side of Insurance has been on the shelves since 2006. The book (which Allstate fought mightily to prevent from being published) details Allstate’s overhaul of auto insurance claims operations during the 1990s—at the behest of management consulting giant McKinsey & Co.—with the stated goal of enhancing stock prices. In short, Allstate implemented a program of systematically denying legitimate claims by policyholders in order to enrich their investors. Their express goal was to save executives and investors hundreds of millions of dollars every year not by reducing expenses and compensation, but rather by reducing the payment of (legitimate) claims to policyholders.

Pass the meatloaf, please.

Oh, and did I mention that in May the Treasury Department listed Allstate as one of six insurers preliminarily approved to receive TARP capital infusions?  Picking up the tab, yet again, will be the Jenga-playing, meatloaf-engorged masses.

It seems safe to conclude that Allstate won’t ever be forced to suffer any genuine retribution for any of this, so I guess all I can do is hope that there will be a special circle of hell reserved for insurance execs, where they can spend all of eternity in an endless Jenga competition, subsisting only on meatloaf, and being forced to watch their mockingly heartfelt ad campaigns on crappy TVs.

Law Firm 10 may lack the dazzling, magnetic charisma of a girl from the hottest sorority in school, but she (arguably) makes up for that with her wit, humor, and low-maintenance-ness. Read more from Law Firm 10.

15 Comments

  1. Alma Federer

    July 27, 2009 at 2:53 am

    Law Firm 10 and I are in sympatico.  It just goes to show that good looking female lawyers like us know how to relate to the masses.  Hopefully average joes and joanies will be the first to understand and emulate us.  Law Firm 10, we’re in “good hands”.  Don’t listen to cynics with attitude like BL1Y who will surely blab on otherwise.

  2. BL1Y

    July 27, 2009 at 4:17 am

    The worst part of the commercial is the very end:  “It’s back to basics, and the basics are good.  Put them…….in good hands.” Is it supposed to sound like the phrase “in good hands” just came to him and hasn’t been the All State motto for as long as any of us here can remember?  Not just insulting, but also poorly written.  PS: Alma, I don’t think anyone who actually relates to the masses refers to them as “the masses.”

  3. Headhunter 10

    July 27, 2009 at 5:16 am

    My God you are sexy when you rant. Marry me.

  4. canadouche

    July 27, 2009 at 5:44 am

    bly1 is correct.  the proper term, alma, is ‘hoi polloi’.  ps – law firm 10 is right as usual.

  5. Anonymous

    July 27, 2009 at 9:13 am

    love when you rant!

  6. Craig

    July 27, 2009 at 2:34 pm

    I’m all for making fun of stupid commercials, especially the ones where the viewer isn’t sure of whether the actor is playing himself or playing his most popular character (or maybe some combination of the two), but this one obviously hit you too close to home.  This rant is like when the joke starts out as funny, and then it just goes too far and ends up being a bit weird and awkward.

  7. Anonymous

    July 27, 2009 at 3:50 pm

    I love aunt Linda!!!!!!  “oh brother”

  8. Ellen

    July 28, 2009 at 2:20 am

    Why is it that we generally couldn’t give a hoot about these things, but when the writer is ALLEGEDLY good looking, there always are a few horny bloodhound boys sniffing around, and sympathizing with the allegedly good looking writer?  If an ugly writer wrote this, no one would care, trust me.  This is dull, and that’s it.

  9. BL1Y

    July 28, 2009 at 3:26 am

    Good looking girls make anything interesting, but yes, LF10 is at best hypothetically good looking.  I don’t think anywhere here really thinks she’s better than an 8 (except for Alma, but she’s delusional about her own looks).

  10. Craig

    July 28, 2009 at 6:34 am

    Ellen, LF 10 has generally written very entertaining articles on here. This was by far her worst article and I think it shows by the lack of comments. Her articles usually get twice to three times as many comments.

  11. JR Ewing

    July 28, 2009 at 7:57 am

    I think someone needs new batteries for her vibrator.

  12. Guano

    July 29, 2009 at 3:18 am

    I concur with Ellen.  If a woman who is unattractive starts to rant, men will find her even more repulsive and move as far away as possible.  Here, men must think she is attractive, so they are attracted to her, like moths fly toward the light, to console her and maybe to steal her heart.  It is sad that only an attractive woman can do this.  Over time, however, even an attractive woman can become ugly if all she does is rant.  I know of such a woman.  I used to want to have children with her.  Now I do not think of her in a sexual way.

  13. Good call...

    July 31, 2009 at 9:04 am

    Pretty much all insurance companys… auto… life… home… and ESPECIALLY health are corrupt institutions that are populated by bloodsucking underwriters. Thank god there are professions the public hate more than lawyers. YAY!

  14. More discouraged every day

    August 17, 2009 at 1:31 pm

    Amen

  15. www.pinkshoelawyer.blogspot.com

    September 8, 2009 at 7:30 pm

    Rant away.  A man turns into an asshole, a woman into a shrill.  But if your target is insurance companies, well, who can hold it against you.
    Besides, it wasn’t all that rant-y.  I mean, compared to Michael Moore? And sure as heck they’d rather hear it from your lips.

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