James Macungie recently filed a lawsuit against Google. Mr. Macungie alleges that their contextual ad, promising one weird old tip to lose belly fat, did not work as advertised. The tip, according to documents filed in the Norther District of South Dakota, was to drink two glasses of water before every meal.
After years of having what doctors called “an offensive percentage of body fat,” Mr. Macungie was browsing the Internet one night looking for exercise advice. He stumbled onto a blog that used contextual ads sponsored by the search giant. The ad, pictured to the right, promised that those who clicked could lose a bit of their belly every day by following one weird old tip.
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According to WSWF TV, strip club workers in Atlanta successfully argued against a zoning change that would have forced their clubs to relocate. According to the story which is sourced to the Associated Press, “Residents in the neighborhood say the strip clubs are bringing down property values and contributing to home and car break-ins and other crime.” One of the dancers pointed out that the neighbors “don’t have to come to the clubs and they should just move.”
The zoning board sided with the dozens of strippers that attended the hearing. There was a heated debate on the issue that lasted over an hour, or approximately eighteen songs.
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According to Reuters, James Cleaveland and his gang of merry-coin-giving-men are the subject of a law suit seeking a restraining order to prevent these hoodlums from putting change where it doesn’t belong. In the city’s parking meters.
According to the article, “Cleveland and a group of friends took to the streets with pocketfuls of change and began shadowing the city’s three parking enforcement officers, stuffing coins in expired meters before they could issue $5.00 tickets.” These folks probably make very little money and most likely cry themselves to sleep at night after being berated by motorists catching them in the act of doing their job.
This is the most gang activity that New Hampshire has ever seen. Experts may be flown in from the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department to consult.
The group involved is part of the “Free Keene” movement, which is a local cell of the “Free State Project.” Basically, they are trying to get libertarians to settle in New Hampshire so they can implement Ron Swanson’s ideal form of government.
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According to the Phoenix Sun Times, police arrested Bret Saltus for a number of crimes stemming from his alleged streak of drive-by masturbations. How did he get into this sticky situation? According to the article on the Times’ blog, “police say he’d pull over his truck, open the doors, and masturbate in front of children, before speeding away.”
Saltus was caught red handed when police investigating one incident followed his truck and caught him in the act on the side of the road. When police boxed his car in, he was unable to work his gear shift properly. As a result he backed into one detective’s car. He struggled as officers pulled him out of his car, but was eventually tazed and handcuffed. Sources are silent as to whether he is into that kind of thing.
The incident may lead to new talks on Arizona’s distracted driving law. Currently the state has only banned cell phone use for school bus drivers. But undoubtedly legislators will now worry about what drivers are doing with their hands, even if using bluetooth.
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Now that marijuana is legal, Seattle bus drivers have been instructed to put any small amounts of marijuana they find left on the bus in the lost-and-found box. Of course we can expect them to treat mislaid marijuana as they would any other lost property. Surely they’ll dutifully place any schwag weed they find with all the aviator sunglasses left over from 2006.
Assuming you aren’t able to recover that fine bud that fell from your bag, you can rest easy knowing your sacrifice will brighten the day of every person on that bus, which will now run on an emissions free combination of positive vibes and Peter Tosh music.
The really important outcome here is that now all those Dave Mathews listening, fist pumping, former frat boys will finally have a reason to pay attention in property class. Knowing the difference between lost, mislaid, or abandoned property will be a little more important when fighting over some misplaced hashish.
The Chinese Government opened an investigation into Zhanga Yimou after rumors surfaced that he may have seven children in violation of China’s one-child policy. The Chinese film director is responsible for the Beijing Summer Olympic Opening Ceremonies that led Eric Cartman (noted American isolationist) to take over a P.F. Chang’s in South Park, Colorado.
According to Reuters, Zhang, who was “once the bad-boy of Chinese cinema,” could be fined up to 160 million Yuan. That’s over 4 million dollars per illegal child. But it has been speculated that Madonna may low ball him.
Dennis Rodman, transvestite/sports player, took time out of his busy schedule of trying on wedding dresses to tweet at Kim Jung Un. Why? Because Rodman wants his buddy “Kim” to stop being a total d-bag.
Mr. Bae is an American business man who was arrested in North Korea because the DPRK says he was trying to topple the country. Bae was sentenced to fifteen years of hard labor.
Since Washington can’t seem to sort this out, we here at Bitter Lawyer would like to join in Mr. Rodman’s noble request (seriously). Mr. Kim, cut Kenneth Bae loose, then do us all a solid and go H yourself.
NBC News reports that an Illinois woman was arrested last week for a DUI. When questioned by police, the woman explained that she was drinking to celebrate. Celebrate what, you ask? Getting her license back from her previous DUI suspension. But the woman didn’t actually have her license back yet. According to the Riverside police department, the alleged drunk driver was driving a car she didn’t own to celebrate a license suspension that hadn’t ended yet.
(h/t http://neatorama.com)
An Indiana man showed up to dispute a drunken-driving charge while intoxicated. Michael D. Schroyer, 48, allegedly was stumbling in the courthouse when officers asked if he had been drinking. Schroyer responded, “Hell, yeah. I drink every day.” The Ellsworth man then struggled with officers as they attempted to take his car keys before he could leave the parking lot. During the struggle, Schroyer was pushed to the ground and suffered facial injuries.
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