News

Transvestite of State: Dennis Rodman Becomes Secretary of Keeping it Real [Really]

by Bitter Newsroom on May 8, 2013 in Really Real News

Dennis Rodman, transvestite/sports player, took time out of his busy schedule of trying on wedding dresses to tweet at Kim Jung Un. Why? Because Rodman wants his buddy “Kim” to stop being a total d-bag. Mr. Bae is an American business man who was arrested in North Korea because the DPRK says he was trying [...]

Woman Busted for DUI While Celebrating Almost Getting Her License Back

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by Bitter Newsroom on May 7, 2013 in Really Real News

NBC News reports that an Illinois woman was arrested last week for a DUI. When questioned by police, the woman explained that she was drinking to celebrate. Celebrate what, you ask? Getting her license back from her previous DUI suspension. But the woman didn’t actually have her license back yet. According to the Riverside police [...]

Man Goes to Courthouse to Defend DUI Charge. Drunk.

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by Doug Stephan on April 26, 2013 in News

An Indiana man showed up to dispute a drunken-driving charge while intoxicated. Michael D. Schroyer, 48, allegedly was stumbling in the courthouse when officers asked if he had been drinking. Schroyer responded, “Hell, yeah. I drink every day.” The Ellsworth man then struggled with officers as they attempted to take his car keys before he could [...]

Carnie Crime

by Doug Stephan on April 19, 2013 in News

A carnival ride operator has been charged with simple battery after he allegedly “slapped [a girl] on her buttocks” while she started to get on a slide in the funhouse. Nicholas Berg, 28, worked the ride during Chasco Fiesta in the town of New Port Richey, near Tampa. According to police, Berg claimed he simply touched [...]

Prison Break-In

by Doug Stephan on April 8, 2013 in News

Matthew Matagrano, 36, may serve 10 years in prison after repeatedly trying to sneak into jails because the inmates where “nice.” The Manhattan man is accused of sneaking into jails in four boroughs because they gave him food and made him feel important. According to police, Matagrano, who formerly served time in Rikers Island, would [...]

What Happens When a Crackhead Goes Through Security?

by Doug Stephan on April 1, 2013 in News

They say, “stupid is as stupid does” and that goes double for William Gillespie. The 29-year-old Erie, Pennsylvania man was arrested for possession of a controlled substance with the intent to deliver and possession of drug paraphernalia, after he tried to enter the county courthouse with more than a dozen bags of crack cocaine. Gillespie [...]

Donut Derelicts’ Get-Rich-Quick Scheme Fails

by Han Bitter Solo on March 18, 2013 in News

Police received a call this week from a Utah couple that claimed they found razor blades in their doughnuts. (ATTN: Personal Injury Attorneys). However, after an investigation, police have determined that the couple, Carol Lee Leazer-Hardman and Michael Condor, actually placed the razor blades in the pastries themselves before ingesting the pastries. (ATTN: Prosecutor’s Office).

Food Fight! Dispute About Spuds Ends in Jail

by Doug Stephan on February 18, 2013 in News

Tempers escalated during a disagreement over mashed potatoes, resulting in a woman charging the victim with a box cutter. Shaquina S. Hill, 23, was charged with menacing and harassment after she attacked her dinner guest. Hill first grabbed box cutters then began throwing things at the victim, including a heavy ceramic vase and a coffee [...]