News

Alec Baldwin: A Promise Best Kept to Yourself

by Bitter Newsroom on August 4, 2008 in News

In reports that have surely sent a ripple of anticipation through the halls of law libraries nationwide, it has just been announced that Alec Baldwin’s new authoritative text on family law, “A Promise to Ourselves,” is set to hit the shelves September 23. Billed as a practical text on the topic of “family relationships,” Baldwin’s publisher explains that “using a very personal approach, he offers practical guidance to help others avoid the anguish he has endured.” Topics examined in the book apparently include prenuptial agreements, divorce strategies, attorneys, mediation versus trial, custody and visitation how-tos, co-parenting, and the political influence on the family law system.

And what, you may be wondering, necessarily qualifies the actor to write a practical guide on family law, aside from, of course, recently breaking up with practicing attorney Nicole Seidel and playing a prosecutor in the 1996 hit film, Ghosts of Mississippi? Well, according to his publisher, he has been “extensively involved in divorce litigation, and he has witnessed the way that noncustodial parents, especially fathers, are often forced to abandon hopes of equitable rights when it comes to their children.”

Hm. While we have no doubt that Baldwin is no stranger to the ins and outs of all things divorce-related, we can’t help but wonder when actors everywhere will please just stop pretending they’re experts on things they don’t actually understand. It’s bad enough that we have to suffer through their ramblings on politics; now we have to hear how they’re legal experts, too? Please, for the love of god, just stick to what you know. And in case you were wondering, no, having a heart attack doesn’t make you a thoracic surgeon, either. [Macmillan and NY Post]

Ever Heard of Quid Pro Quo?

by Bitter Newsroom on August 4, 2008 in News

Associates the world over are buzzing about recent reports that the London office of Shearman & Sterling has just booted one of its associates for taking a female summer associate to a strip club following a firm-sponsored event. A spokesperson for Shearman has confirmed that the summer, who has “subsequently accepted a training contract position with another firm,” made a formal complaint to the firm about the outing, and “following a full investigation in accordance with internal disciplinary procedures, the associate has now left the firm.”

While lawyers worldwide following the case have agreed that taking a summer to a strip club is a monumentally idiotic thing for an associate to do, a scattered few have nonetheless wanted to ask the traumatized student: Did you really need to go and get the poor schmuck fired? You already locked up an offer at another firm—why bring the complaint now? Clearly, you’ve got a handle on the basics of sexual harassment law, but we have to say, honey, you’ve got a long way to go when it comes to understanding the finer points of a little thing called “leverage.” [Legal Week]

Photo by Aim and shoot!

Thank God Christian Bale Wasn’t There, Too

by Bitter Newsroom on August 4, 2008 in News

Evidently confusing themselves with actual celebrities, Nikki Blonsky, one of the stars of the Hairspray movie, and Bianca Golden, one of the rejects from America’s Next Top Model, have been arrested for sparking a diva-wannabe brawl in a Caribbean airport late last week.

The brawl apparently started after the Blonsky family “commandeered several seats in the tiny airport departure lounge just for their luggage, and only reluctantly put some of the bags on the floor when one of Golden’s male relatives, who was holding a child, asked to sit,” according to a witness. Apparently “peeved that their luggage had to be placed on the floor,” the Blonksy family allegedly started spouting racial slurs, and when Golden’s mother tried to diffuse the situation, “a big man” believed to be Blonksy’s dad “began punching her in the head.”

Although the extent of Blonsky’s and Golden’s involvement in the brawl remains unclear, witnesses claim that Golden at one point “told Nikki to shut her mouth,” at which point Blonsky “allegedly tried to rip Golden’s earring off.” Both women have been charged with “actual bodily harm” by the local authorities.

Representatives for the two fallen not-quite-stars have not commented on the effect this publicity will have on the girls’ careers, although sources close to Blonsky have unofficially confirmed that while she is thrilled to no longer be known only as the fat girl from Hairspray, she is less thrilled to now be known as the fat girl from Hairspray whose racist dad punched a lady in the head. Sources report that Golden is also concerned that she will now be known as…well, actually, no, she’s safe. No one still has any idea who the hell she is. [NY Post]

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Precious Nuggets of Wisdom

by Bitter Newsroom on August 3, 2008 in News

Just when you thought it was safe to wallow safely in your time-honored right to be miserable at work, some over-earnest hick lawyer goes and screws it up again.

This time, the thanks is owed to the recent clueless ramblings of Stephen Ellis, a partner at Tucker, Ellis & West, a Cleveland law firm with less people working in its entire office than certain Big Firms have working in their mailrooms. In an article adapted from a commencement speech he recently gave at an Ohio law school, Mr. Ellis offers his local-yokel take on the “secret to happiness and success in a lawyer’s life” with “seven simple suggestions.”

The highlights of these simple, yet deeply insightful, suggestions:

“Be enthusiastic about your clients’ matters”;

“Don’t be obnoxious. Do a good job on the law, facts, and strategy, but don’t make it personal”;

“Get ‘outside’ yourself and participate in community events”;

“Believe in your brain”; and, our own personal favorite,

“Be nice.”

While we heartily appreciate Mr. Ellis’s efforts to keep us happy and successful, we can’t help but point out that when you’re a lawyer at a nice little Midwestern firm that no one outside of Ohio has ever heard of, you need to realize that your advice may not have the same sway to a junior associate at, say, Skadden or Cravath. Sorry, but your idea of success and happiness may be a few acres off from theirs.

But thanks for the tips, though. We’ll be sure to keep them in mind when we’re on our fourth all-nighter in a row on an $8 billion merger for a client that we’ve never even met.

Got a Bitter Rant of your own? Email it to info@bitterlawyer.com.

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BREAKING: Midlevel Associates Hate Their Jobs

by Bitter Newsroom on August 3, 2008 in News

We do hope you’re sitting down. Results of American Lawyer‘s annual Associates Survey are in and the news is as grim as it is shocking: Midlevels at firms coast-to-coast are “eyeing the door.” In fact, a “close parsing” of 7,259 midlevel associates from 180 firms has revealed that “although most associates think they could make partner, they’re not sure they want to,” with many citing as a deterrent the fact that “they see some junior partners working even more ferocious hours than their own.”

Legal pundits and statisticians alike have applauded American Lawyer for the reliability of the survey’s results, but they have nonetheless wondered aloud when the publication will stop wasting money on so-called scientific metrics to prove the blaringly obvious. That said, stats lovers the world over are waiting with bated breath for the results of the magazine’s next zeitgeist-shattering survey on whether that phenomenon known as “internet porn” is here to stay. Will keep you posted. [American Lawyer]

Bitter Lawyer CLE: Week in Review 5

by Bitter Newsroom on August 1, 2008 in News

What Bitter Lawyers have learned this week:

You’re probably more likely to get a visit from the Prize Patrol than you are to collect from Ed McMahon.

The new Los Angeles: Thanks to the gays, it’s sort of like Mayberry.

Forget Kyra Sedgewick, Lou Pearlman is the real Closer.

Side effects of pedophilia may include jail time, deportation and a one-way ticket to hell.

So much for all that sticks and stones crap.

Rarely is the best defense an army of one.

You can’t expect your paralegal to put out and help you commit fraud. God doesn’t give with both hands.

If cops are spending their whole workday on Facebook, perhaps they should be ASSIGNED A BEAT.

Cat burglars are sneaky, but bat burglars are blaringly obvious.

Refs who wager on games are always making a bad call.

All it takes is one a cappella group and there goes the neighborhood.

It’s never easy going from old money to nouveau riche.

Life as a stripper in Iowa is both sketchy and sketch-worthy.

Sometimes the law school registration process is a little like buying a bitch in prison.

If you’re equally interested in law AND fighting to the death, don’t let anyone put you in a box and make you choose.

Ed McMahon: Next Time, Get a Retainer

by Bitter Newsroom on July 31, 2008 in News

Just when your feelings about Ed McMahon couldn’t get any more confusing, the media is reporting that two New York law firms have brought suit against the former late-night sidekick for over a quarter of a million bucks he allegedly owes them for handling his daughter’s divorce. This news rounds out a generally unpleasant quarter for McMahon, who recently admitted he’s facing foreclosure on his $6.25 million Beverly Hills home and and owes American Express almost $750,000.

While legal experts following the story have noted that you can’t fault a law firm for being excited about representing a man who no doubt raked in millions and millions after years of sitting beside a late-night legend and hawking magazine subscriptions on TV, they have nonetheless reminded billing partners everywhere that such circumstances are still no excuse for deviating from the cardinal rule of dealing with celebrities in legal distress: for the love of god, get a retainer. [NY Daily News]

Troubled? Call the Gays

by Bitter Newsroom on July 31, 2008 in News

Yesterday, members of the Los Angeles glitterati, along with a few politicians, descended upon City Hall for a hearing to discuss a proposed “anti-paparazzi” ordinance that would protect celebrities and the public by creating a “personal safety zone” between aggressive photographers and their subjects.

Notably absent from the hearing was the Los Angeles Police Department—not necessarily a surprise, since earlier that morning, LAPD police chief and NYPD expat William Bratton, who apparently “opposes any new laws concerning paparazzi,” called the hearing in a television interview a “total waste of time.” Just to galvanize his point, Bratton explained, “If you notice, since Britney started wearing clothes and behaving; Paris is out of town not bothering anybody, thank God; and, evidently, Lindsay Lohan has gone gay, we don’t seem to have much of an issue.”

Well, there you have it, kids. Forget all that crap your legal advisers, managers and agents have told you about getting your life back on track through rehab, court-mandated therapy and the like. Follow the lead of those clearly stronger and wiser and more famous than you: If you want to go straight, just go gay. [NY Times]

Photo by Jon Rawlinson

Lou Pearlman: Citizen of the Year

by Bitter Newsroom on July 31, 2008 in News

Attempting to beat his own personal bottom-feeding record, former boy-band promoter and current federal inmate Lou Pearlman is now trying his hand at being a police informant. Pearlman, who founded promotional machines the Backstreet Boys and ‘N Sync, is currently serving a 25-month sentence in a federal penitentiary for scamming elderly investors out of $300 million in an elaborate pyramid scheme. The convicted con artist has now approached authorities, claiming that while in jail, he heard fellow inmate Davin Smith admit to fatally shooting a police officer in a botched robbery.

Pearlman has told police that he “had several contacts with Smith—both direct and overheard,” and, “urged by his lawyers, kept meticulous notes of the exchanges.” As Pearlman’s attorney, Fletcher Peacock explained, “He’s just trying to do what he can to help authorities. Quite frankly, Mr. Pearlman would have come forward with it whether he had a case pending or not. It’s just his obligation as a citizen.”

While we tip our hats to ol’ Lou for his fierce commitment to good citizenry, we’re just gonna throw it out there that he may want to try another tactic in terms of getting his sentence reduced. We’re no evidence experts or anything, but we’ve heard through the legal grapevine that guys who steal a few hundred million dollars from a bunch of old people usually don’t make the best witnesses. Something about credibility or something. [Fox News]

Alan Hesketh: The Brits Can Have Him

by Bitter Newsroom on July 31, 2008 in News

One of our readers has just tipped us off to the story of Alan Hesketh, a British patent attorney and certified perv living in Connecticut who, until recently, served as Pfizer’s global patent director—and who pleaded guilty earlier this week to possessing and distributing more than 1,000 images of child porn. An investigation by federal authorities determined that Hesketh apparently carried a portable hard drive with him loaded with thousands of pornographic images that he traded during hotel stays on business trips and at home. Additionally, federal agents determined that Hesketh accessed the Internet for his porn-related activities at home, at his Pfizer office and, in a particular stroke of genius, at a hotel at the United Nations.

Hesketh has yet to be sentenced, although the district judge hearing the case has advised Hesketh, a British citizen, that regardless of the length of his prison sentence, he also faces the “probability of deportation” once it ends. At which point he’ll presumably spend the rest of his days back home in England cursing the fact that Pfizer doesn’t make a pill for pedophilia. [ConnPost]