So the Olympic Opening Ceremony was . . . okay? Probably would have been more enjoyable if I had popped some bath salts or dropped LSD. That giant baby was weird and I don’t understand why there wasn’t a John Lennon hologram. It’s 2012 London — get with the times. Nonetheless it was very British and I guess that’s cool. Still there were a couple things that stood out:
- I don’t want to be Captain Obvious but I’m pretty sure Al Gore invented the Internet not Sir Tim Berners-Lee.
- Kobe looks way too comfortable in a beret.
- Kate Middleton can still get it.
- The Industrial Revolution looked like it sucked.
- The Queen seems like the unhappiest Bilbo Baggins look-alike in the world.
Anyways, on to the Medals Ceremony . . .
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Awww snap. It’s bar exam week. After months of studying for the bar and actually learning the law, you are undoubtedly eager to black out in a couple of days — for a couple days. Starting Tuesday you will know more law than you will in your entire life. It all goes downhill from there. Just don’t sleep with your clients (unless you represent yourself — see comments) and don’t cash out your IOLTA account for a weekend trip to the casino and you should be fine. Oh, and don’t fall asleep or vomit at your desk . . . those things are also frowned upon. But no matter how bad you think you did on the bar exam (and trust me — you did better than you think) the following people are going to be knocked off by Darwin’s theory of survival of the fittest first, so you got that going for you.
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A Danish man committed suicide by tiger. Yep. Go ahead and read that again. The man, in his early 20s, broke into the Copenhagen Zoo and climbed into the tiger pen with the sole intention of getting Siegfried and Royed. That takes some dedication. Maybe if he put that much effort into his normal life he wouldn’t want to die. Still “suicide by tigers” on the death certificate is pretty boss. It’s really a shame to see his talents go to waste while the rest of the following people are still alive and breathing.
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Cheese and crackers Uncle Sam. A mid-week Fourth of July really tests the body. Some celebrated it last weekend; some celebrated it this weekend; some celebrated it both. A 10-day holiday in 100-degree heat is the marathon of summer drinking. My liver is going to need some R&R before Labor Day. Nonetheless, a weeklong celebration of ‘Merica is always welcomed. We truly live in a great country even if the following people are included in our populace.
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I’ll admit it . . . I’ve been tough on Florida. There is just a certain je ne sais quoi with Florida dumbasses criminals that makes it impossible to not stereotype the entire state. Then I read about Robert Gernot and Florida totally redeems itself. Gernot’s neighbor gave him a beer and cigarette. Gernot thanked him by calling his neighbor’s mother a whore. The neighbor, whose mother is apparently not a whore, was offended and stated he would beat up Gernot. Gernot responded in-kind, “When I get done taking a shit, I am going to kick your fucking ass.”
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Damn, I wish I was a Bus Monitor. People are saying Karen Klein has had a bad week. I would take kids making fun of me for 10 minutes for HALF A MILLION DOLLARS anytime. There are Make-A-Wish kids who want to become bus monitors right now. I would do anything to fly a private jet down to Sallie Mae’s headquarters and make it rain.
At least my reality TV show didn’t bomb like Bristol Palin’s show. And now she is saying she isn’t going to have sex until she is married. Umm, toots, you can’t put the genie back in the bottle. Maybe if you would have thought about that a couple years ago you wouldn’t have had a kid whose name is a verb.
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Did anyone waste THREE HOURS watching the “daredevil” Nik Wallenda tightrope Niagara Falls? If you did, take a second and contemplate your life. Three hours of tight rope walking for a guy with a safety harness. Might as well be a 1990s Nickelodeon show. Climbing the Agrocrag would be more challenging. Was Mike O’Malley too busy to commentate? Can I get a special update on the wind conditions from Mo? Nik should go ahead and put on a Blue Barracudas t-shirt and listen to what Olmac says because anyone who thinks this guy is any different is out of your mind.
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This week I am going on vacation, which means I spent most of last week making a “to-do” list of my workload. Amazingly, making all of those to-do lists didn’t leave much time for any actual work, other than those tasked labeled “Must Do This Week Or You Will Be Sued For Malpractice.” I got most of those done, so now I can relax for a little bit. Unfortunately for us in the legal field, “relax” has various meanings. My cell phone will still ring, I’ll still get emails from clients, but at least I can respond with a delicious drink in hand—actually I guess that’s not much different than normal, but whatever. Enjoy your day in the cubicle. I’ll be hanging out with Snoopy and Prickly Pete while enjoying my two solariums.
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Overdo it this weekend? No you didn’t. Stephanie Irene Santana overdid it. The pregnant mother was arrested around 4:00 am after being found drunk and high on Xanax outside a tattoo parlor with her 10-month-old child in the car. Santana told the tattoo worker the baby was asleep so no need to worry.
Love your moves, Santana. Don’t get me wrong. I hate bad parenting, drunk drivers, pillheads, and those who lock their kids in the car. But go big or go home, Stephanie. A true heel. An unbelievably despicable human being with absolutely no regard for human life. I may not like it, but damnit I do respect it.
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They say “No good deed goes unpunished,” but John Davis never thought it would lead to a run in with authorities. Davis recently exited a highway off-ramp only to see a man in a wheelchair asking for extra cash. Davis sympathized with the man’s plight and gave the man a couple of dollars. In the process one dollar fell to the ground. Moments later, Davis was pulled over by a Cleveland cop and ticketed for littering. Specifically his offense: “Throw paper out window,” and in parenthesis, “money to panhandler.” Davis’s one dollar good deed has turned into a $500 fine.
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