Bitter Lawyer

Six Stupid Salutations (That Every Lawyer Uses)

I assume you all know that lawyers are stuck in the 1990s. Lawyers still use faxes. Many still hand write notes on yellow legal pads. Our offices are filled with filing cabinets from cases 8 years old. But most old-timey of all: We love writing letters. And when it comes to legal writing, its not [...]

Loose Ends, 12-1-08

by Bitter Newsroom on December 1, 2008 in News

Quick headlines from the Bitter Newsroom:

In an effort to keep his client from being perceived as a deadly misogynist, Phil Spector’s lawyer is trying to convince the jury that Phil is generally threatening and behaves batshit crazy with all sexes. Good luck with that. [Los Angeles Times]

Prez-elect will announce his national security team today, which will be toplined by Yale Law graduate Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State. She’ll be hustling the globe, racking up miles in order to uphold the nation’s reputation abroad. And in the process leaving Bill stateside to uphold is reputation of hustling and racking broads of his own. Or he can just go serve the Senate. [Washington Post]

It’s more fun to work on bankruptcy cases than to be one. Suppose that’s why “James H. M. Sprayregen, who spent the last three years at Goldman Sachs, will return Dec. 12 to Kirkland & Ellis, the law firm where he spent 16 years advising companies on restructuring and bankruptcy matters.” [The New York Times]

While health care is a major challenge for the Obama administration, if former Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle is to be Secretary of Health and Human Services, special interests might invade the White House. “The former Democratic senator from South Dakota is a special policy adviser for the lobbying law firm Alston & Bird. And in his three years there, the firm has earned more than $16 million representing some of the health care industry’s most powerful interests before the department he’s in line to lead.” Can that be healthy for the nation? [Politico.com]

One tar-slinging lawyer says the key to success is avoiding competition. But how many laid-off lawyers would leave BigLaw to be a big fish in a puddle? [Blog for A. Harrison Barnes]

But maybe life in a no-competition market isn’t that bad after all. Have smart, educated people ever had as much to fear as they do these days? Law schools are being flooded with a huge increase in applications, and the business of taking of heaps of student loans is getting a little dicey. Six-figure debt to work in a declining job market may not be money-wise. [IndyStar.com]

It’s not hard for law students to find a new book or a nugget of advice about the experience, but some of the best tricks can be learned from 1961 old school. [FrederickNewsPost.com]

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Smells Like Temp Spirit

by Bitter Temp Guy on December 1, 2008 in Columns

The supervising associate, a.k.a. Boss Lady, is a pretty woman with an olive complexion who never thought her JD would grant her dominion over a team of hopeless losers.

Somewhere Boss Lady took the wrong step inside BigLaw. Maybe she fouled up an important brief or just failed to suck up to the right partner.

She should be buried in motion practice or destroying an opposing witness on cross. But instead, she’s trying to explain to a sleepy-looking temp standing next to me that he shouldn’t come to work smelling like gasoline.

“Sorry, I spilled gas on myself when I was filling up this morning,” Smelly Temp says.

His explanation doesn’t help the smell, which has already made two temps puke.

“Can you change?” Boss Lady asks.

“But this is my shift,” Smelly Temp protests.

Boss Lady just glares at him. It’s the kind of glare that says, “How dare you turn me into some kind of glorified Wal-Mart manager. I graduated magna cum laude from Stanford and made Law Review at UVA. I AM BIGLAW, AND DON’T YOU FORGET IT, MISTER!”

“I can’t have you smelling like gasoline,” Boss Lady says. “You’re making people sick. You’re making me sick.”

“But I need the hours.”

“You need a shower,” A nauseous-looking thirty-five-year-old Korean temp says.

“You smell!” another temp shouts, opening up the flood gates as twenty temps begin to yell.

You stink! Clean yourself up!

“I think they want you to leave,” Boss Lady says.

But instead of giving into the crowd, Smelly Temp turns the work stoppage into a bizarre game of chicken.

“I’ll leave if I can stay on the clock,” he says.

“No chance,” Boss Lady counters.

The shouting continues, as the pungent smell of petroleum begins to seep in my digestive track.

“I’m going to be sick,” I tell Boss Lady, who tries once again to shame Smelly Temp into leaving.

“I need the hours,” Smelly Temp says. “I can’t afford to miss work.”

“Seriously, this guy is making me sick, you’ve got to do something,” I say.

Boss Lady stands between me and a trash bin, and I stumble toward it, ready to heave.

“It would be cheaper to pay me to go home and change,” Smelly Temp says, folding his arms in stoic protest.

Boss Lady shrieks, demanding that I find a restroom. Then she looks at her temps. We have nothing better to do but shout. Shouting breaks the boredom. Smelly Temp has become the must-see event of the day, and Boss Lady knows it. Worse, she knows that nothing will get done until Smelly Temp takes his gasoline stench home. She has been beaten.

“Be back in one hour, Smelly Temp.”

“With pay?” Smelly Temp asks.

“With pay,” she says.

Smelly Temp gets up, points a fleshy finger at me and says, “Witness.” Then he leaves to change his clothes on BigLaw’s dime.

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Public (Dis)Interest

by Katie Apple on December 1, 2008 in Columns

I’ll be honest. I’m in it for the money. I wasn’t one of those 1Ls who said they came to law school to help people. I became a lawyer because it seemed like the best way to land my DreamJob without first having to work in the mailroom. Also, I like money. I like nice things and the law seemed like the best way to get nice things for myself (I don’t do math or science).

I did get an unpaid clerkship at DreamCompany and yes, I get that there are tradeoffs and that I’m paying my dues—more than willing to do so—but I’ve lived a student’s lifestyle for far too long. I’m ready for some money.

Unfortunately, it’s hard out there for a recent law school graduate, and with Big Firms in the middle of a hiring freeze, it’s no time to be choosey.

Of course, it’s not like there are no jobs for lawyers. In fact, there’s always one employer who’s hiring—the government.

So three days ago, I decided to suck it up. With an enthusiasm that my student loan company would admire, I applied for a government job.

In my application there was a section asking for a personal statement regarding my interest in criminal law. Hmm.

Well, I love “Law & Order” (I heart Jack McCoy). Okay, I didn’t put that down.

Knowing someone on the inside, I also managed to get my hands on a hiring manual, which stressed the importance of finding applicants with a strong interest in public service.

Ugh. The public? I have come to realize that, on the whole, I don’t like the public very much. I didn’t go to law school to change the world, fight the power, or help people. That’s why all of my internships were spent working on the management-side of labor law.

But my government lawyer friend indulged me with a mock interview.

It didn’t go well.

He laughed at me and said, “Get thee to a soup kitchen this weekend!”

Yeah, didn’t happen.

So what to do when you need to sell yourself as a humanitarian and you couldn’t care less about humanity? In plain English—lie. But “lie” is such a dirty word. I massaged some of my prior experience and talked about wanting to transition from the private to the public sector and really give back.

Amazingly, I wasn’t struck by lighting.

That seems to have gotten the ball rolling with the government. But hopefully it won’t come to that. I’m hoping the Big Firm hiring freeze thaws before I have to make a commitment to the people.

Got a Bitter Rantof your own? Email it to info@bitterlawyer.com

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Caption This! 12-1-08

by Bitter Staff on December 1, 2008 in Comics, Contests

What in the Bitter Lawyer is going on in this picture?

Put your lawyerly wit to the test and post a comment with a hilarious caption about this soon-to-be inner-cabinet moment. And keep it clean. (Ish.) The editors’ favorite entry will be announced tomorrow.

Editors’ Pick 11-27-08

Leemail: Partner to 1Yr: “I left one hand untied so you can make those changes. Happy Thanksgiving.”

Loose Ends, 11-28-08

by Bitter Newsroom on November 28, 2008 in News

Quick headlines from the Bitter Newsroom:

Pretty people served food to the less fortunate on Thanksgiving and upstaged the Boston Mayor, Speaker of the House and Attorney General. Though few of us are anywhere near as fortunate as Giselle Bundchen and Tom Brady, so they’ve got a lot of plates to heap on the green bean casserole. [Boston Herald]

Axl is being a nimrod, per usual. And how does a d-bag create hype about an album no one seems to care about? He gets lippy with a soft drink company. Of course. “The lawyer for Guns N’ Roses and Axl Rose has castigated Dr Pepper, accusing the soda maker of failing to deliver on its promotion to offer free soda in celebration of the band’s new album, ‘Chinese Democracy.’” [Billboard.com]

A lawyer was actually shocked by something. A Tampa lawyer was addressing a code board meeting when he flew off the handle and slapped an officer. So the officer tased his ass. Jolt! [Tampa Bay Online]

If you’re in high school and not using your cell phone camera for nudity, you’re missing out. Miley Cyrus has got nothing on these kids. Not only are two girls’ parents suing B(r)othell High for having the audacity to suspend their daughters who photographed each others’ bare bodies and then forward the pictures on to the football team, but a Wisconsin teen was arrested for showing his friends a naked picture of his ex-girlfriend. [FoxNews.com]

Heath Ledger will reportedly inspire a Law & Order episode. Sam Waterson’s character will leave the law to take a job as a gay sheepherder in Wyoming. Ratings Bonanza. [Boston Herald]

But you can learn the 10 most important lessons in life from Law & Order anyway. [Boston.com]

2009 will be a tough year, law firms. So remember what you do: Practice law. [Legal Week]

Loose Ends, 11-27-08

by Bitter Newsroom on November 27, 2008 in News

Quick headlines from the Bitter Newsroom:

Happy Thanksgiving. The news is a little gloomy for a holiday morning, but at least there’s a PARADE!…

Not everyone maturely understands the concept of “bitter.” Bitter can be fun, but when it goes extreme, it’s bad, sad news. So due to the asshole, way-too-bitter terrorists who killed more than 100 in Mumbai (not to mention bombings in Kabul and Afghanistan), the al-Qaeda chatter stew is stirring up again. NY and DC are on alert with reports of possible attacks in the near future. Hope Washington lawyer Eric Holder and Janet Napolitano have their crap together enough to be ready to handle terrorism in a 2008 world. And, most importantly, our thoughts go out to those caught in the senseless violence. [Washington Post]

The Missouri Myspace cyber-bully was convicted of three misdemeanor charges but avoided a felony conviction. [WSJ Law Blog]

The teeter of partisan power in the Senate depends on next Tuesday’s runoff race between GOP incumbent Sen. Saxby Chambliss and Atlanta Democrat Jim Martin. But what you maybe didn’t know about Saxby Chambliss is that he’s a former agriculture attorney and University of Tennessee Law School graduate. Riveting. [US News and World Report]

In a non-law world, your JD may be worthless—or worse, bringing you down. “And in a tight job market where all types of employers have reams of resumes from which to choose when filling an opening, a law degree can look like baggage they’d rather sidestep.” And with a lot of lawyers being traded in for cheaper Indian models and a surplus of unproductive associates barely even making use of their degree as lawyers, supply has definitely exceeded demand. [Law.com | Is the Versatility of a Law Degree Just a Myth? | Law Firm Productivity Down]

These are gay times… The 30-year-old ban on gays and lesbians adopting children in Florida was finally overturned and ruled unconstitutional. Previously, Florida was the only state to uphold such a ban. (Not that it’s permanent yet—appeals are expected.) Then the Hawkeye breadbasket of Iowa will hear gay marriage arguments in court next month. But much of the current focus is on Milk, which is expected to be a major unintended vehicle for gay rights. When the bio-pic starring Sean Penn as gay politician Harvey Milk opens, “organizers of the nationwide protests against Proposition 8’s passage held this month are calling on same-sex marriage supporters to fill movie theaters on Dec. 5 to show their financial clout.” [Associated Press]

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Caption This! 11-27-08

by Bitter Staff on November 27, 2008 in Comics, Contests

What in the Bitter Lawyer is going on in this picture?

Put your lawyerly wit to the test and post a comment with a hilarious caption about this tied-up suit. And keep it clean. (Ish.) The editors’ favorite entry will be announced on Monday, December 1.

Editors’ Pick 11-26-08

FSY: “The President asked for – and received – a stimulus package.”

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Five Ways to Say Grace

by Michael Estrin on November 27, 2008 in Columns

What’s Thanksgiving without a little grace? Nancy Grace, that is. We thought about telling you what we were thankful for this year, but that just isn’t very bitter. So, instead we decided to share our favorite clips from America’s top cable news lawyer—Nancy Grace.

1. Who is Nancy Grace?

This lawyer turned cable news pundit lost on “Jeopardy!” to Regis Philbin and Carson from “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.”

2. Touch of Grace

Okay, we lied. We are thankful. Thankful that Nancy Grace is no longer working as a prosecutor. Get ready for the worst interview. Ever.

3. Saturday Night Grace

We love Amy Poehler’s impression of Nancy Grace, but after watching hours of the cable news pundit, we’re wondering why Lorne Michaels doesn’t just put the real Nancy Grace on “SNL.”

4. Goodness Gracious

Who needs Black’s Law Dictionary when we have Nancy Grace to keep us straight on those pesky terms of art?

[Video No Longer Available]

5. DisGraceful

Nancy Grace outraged. Paris Hilton in a bikini. This was supposed to be Thanksgiving, but it looks like everyday is Christmas on the internet.

God is great, God is good. Let us thank Him for our Nancy. Amen.

Loose Ends, 11-26-08

by Bitter Newsroom on November 26, 2008 in News

Quick headlines from the Bitter Newsroom:

The Grinch is in effect a little early this year. Lawyers representing Dr. Seuss have ordered the city of Louisville, KY to shut down its “LouWhoVille” display, based on “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” And in Seussical form, the city reacts to the mean-spirited lawyers: “‘The Grinch is our property,’ came their mad shout, ‘We must find a way to put these lights out!’ Then they got an idea. A lawful idea. The firm got an enforceable, lawful idea. ‘We know JUST what to do,’ the Grinch-lawyers hissed. ‘We’ll send them a letter to cease-and desist. And if that doesn’t work,’ they clucked without unction, ‘We’ll go down to Lou-ville and get an injunction.’” [The Courier-Journal]

HLS grad and Legal Outreach founder James O’Neal and Andy Scherer, executive director of Legal Services, made the list of unsung heroes who New York should be thankful for this Thanksgiving. But I bet most of you won’t care enough to even click on this link. Or will you? [Village Voice]

This is serious. Get really focused because this could possibly straight-up blow your mind… Law students are excited about Thanksgiving. (There! I said it! Whew. It’s out in the open now. WOW—it’s like a two-hundred-pound weight just lifted off my chest.) [Law.Baylor.edu]

A stripper has plead guilty to arranging a hit on a Long Island attorney. I’m sure she only agreed to do it to help pay her way through law school. [Associated Press]

A lawyer who did not tell authorities about his two clients’ pact to commit suicide has avoided criminal action. Apparently the law does not require someone to report impending threats of suicide. But you do need to report steroids in professional sports. [Associated Press]

Reports suggest that the current business model of law isn’t sustainable—yet firms insist on continuing with their same follow-the-leader format. [The Legal Watercooler]

And playing against the Big Firm fragile business model, some BigLaw rejects are now opting to join one, big virtual firm. Founded in 2000 by Big Firm refugees, “Axiom is able to offer legal services at fees that can be 50% lower than those charged by the country’s top firms.” Hate to hear what their bonus projections are. [CNN Money]

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Caption This! 11-26-08

by Bitter Staff on November 26, 2008 in Comics, Contests

What in the Bitter Lawyer is going on in this picture?

Put your lawyerly wit to the test and post a comment with a hilarious caption about W’s wild turkey. And keep it clean. (Ish.) The editors’ favorite entry will be announced the next day.

Editors’ Pick 11-25-08