Loose Ends, 11-14-08

by Bitter Newsroom on November 14, 2008 in News

Post image for Loose Ends, 11-14-08

Quick headlines from the Bitter Newsroom:

Here’s one time it wouldn’t be a great idea to blow off a debtor’s kneecaps: Former quarterback Michael Vick’s bankruptcy attorneys say he’ll be reinstated to the N.F.L. and will return to his career following his prison term.  Earnings from resumed play will allow him to settle up with a few folks.  Meaning he’ll be on the run to pay back the some $20 million he owes in liabilities alright, but he’s hoping to do it on field and not the lam.  [Am Law Daily]

Orrick, Herrington & Sutcliffe defends its ability to do basic math.  Last month they hired 27 partners from Heller Ehrman during their demise, but yesterday they announced 40 associate and 35 staffer layoffs.  “[I]t’s apples and oranges.” Bitter Lawyer “Andrew” commented yesterday (Loose Ends, 11-12-08): “I work at Orrick, Herrington, and Sutcliffe … [g]uess some of our offices did a lot of business for those financial firms that went under.  Oh.. and no more private cars on the company dollar.” Nothing like a little personal-transpo gravy to go on your now-jobless potatoes.  [ABA Journal]

With everything in the media so “Obama!, Obama!, Obama!” centric, what’s Vice President-elect Joe Biden got to do to get a little press ink?  HLS grad and former O’Melveny partner Ronald Klain will be his new chief of staff.  Does that help?  [Law.com]

Now that we know ”Narcissists who like to exert control and reject collaborative decision-making are leading many large law firms,” it would stand to reason that the best law school candidates are narcissists in the making.  [The McGill Daily]

Considering it seems as much as emotional “sparks” can start devastating wildfires in California, in Missouri, you really got to work to burn the place down.  When you can scale the roof of a law firm, board a hole, pour in gasoline, ignite a fire and still only cause $2,886 worth of damage—that’s economical arson.  [Southeast Missourian]

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Caption This! 11-14-08

by Bitter Staff on November 14, 2008 in Comics, Contests

Post image for Caption This! 11-14-08

What in the Bitter Lawyer is going on in this picture?

Put your lawyerly wit to the test and post a comment with a hilarious caption about this bailiff’s courtroom.  And keep it clean.  (Ish.) The editors’ favorite entry will be announced the next day.

Editors’ Pick 11-13-08

Anonymous: “Little known fact: Presidents can up to double their size during their lame duck period. Approval ratings remain unaffected, as shown.”

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Post image for Clyde DeWitt, Adult Entertainment Attorney

Current title and employer?

Owner, Law Offices of Clyde DeWitt
Years in practice: 35

Law school? Education background?

JD, University of Houston Law Center (1973)
Masters of Science in Accountancy, University of Houston Graduate School of Business (1976)
Bachelor of Science in Electrical Engineering, Milwaukee School of Engineering (1970)

How did you get into porn?

“Porn” implies media, and I represent gentlemen’s clubs as well. I identify my area of concentration as “adult entertainment,” which is more accurate for the additional reason that much of what I do includes challenges that do not relate to the fact that the material involved is “porn”—a term I don’t particularly like. For example, you don’t need to be in an adult media business to have issues of business structure, employment, copyrights, trademarks, business contracts, business disputes, leases and so on. Where my practice is different from general media or entertainment businesses arises when there is a battle with government where my ally is the First Amendment.

Aside from that, the way I found myself involved in it is kind of funny. I spent the first seven years of my legal career in the District Attorney’s Office in Houston, Texas (1973-1980). During my last couple years there, I was general counsel for the district attorney—a fancy name for the guy who defends the district attorney and his then 175 assistants when they get sued, which they do, believe it or not. In 1979, Texas enacted tangible amendments to its obscenity statutes, and 28 adult-business plaintiffs sued 43 governmental defendants, challenging the constitutionality of some of the new provisions. My boss drafted me to defend the case. Even though it was part of my job description, I did so reluctantly. To make it worse, the federal judge handling the case was an adjunct professor at the University of Houston’s law school. He remembered me from a class he taught and designated me “lead counsel.”

In any event, one of the legion of attorneys for the adult business was John Weston. Over the course of the case, he and I became friends. I won (regrettably!), so ultimately, when I left the DA’s office, I became associated with his firm. The association lasted 27 years (I was an equity partner the last 17), culminating early this year.

Okay, be honest, why did you really get into porn law?

I love constitutional law. It is incredibly intellectually challenging—a melting of politics and law. When I was in the DA’s office, I spent three years in the appellate division, and I loved doing the cases with constitutional issues. So, I jumped at the chance to focus on it.

What is a typical day like for you?

Putting aside days in court, taking depositions, settlement conferences and meetings with clients and others (all of which happen with some regularity), I stare into a computer monitor. I receive close to 100 emails a day (excluding duplicates and spam) to which I am required to respond; and generally I am on the phone quite a bit. That is because I am constantly answering client inquiries as to how to respond to particular legal problems—although sometimes the analysis is as much business as legal. Much of my litigation practice is motion-oriented, so I am called upon to accomplish mountains of writing.

In porn, everyone’s a star, but have you represented any clients that are, well, household names?

Yes, quite a few, but I can’t name them.

Have you ever dated one of your clients? Do you get asked that a lot?

No and yes.

What’s the one thing about the porn business that most “regular” people wouldn’t know?

That the businesses are run by regular people.

This struck me a year or two ago when I went to a birthday party thrown by one of the central figures in the San Fernando Valley adult video industry. It was for his one-year-old daughter. Present were principals in probably a majority of the major adult video companies; all of which you would recognize if you had any familiarity with the industry. I observed to one of them who is an long-time friend, although I don’t represent him, that nobody outside the industry who observed this scene (maybe 60 people) would believe that the guests collectively controlled a majority of the adult video output in America. They were just regular people; couples with children, wearing casual clothes, eating barbeque, drinking iced tea, wine and beer. It could have been a hardware convention.

These are just regular business people. They, for the most part, are not weirdoes, swingers or otherwise eccentric.

Do you feel respected?

By whom? The adult industry? I think so. The Christian Right? No way!

What advice would you give a lawyer who wanted to do what you do?

To be an adult entertainment lawyer, you need adult entertainment clients. Not many adult entertainment business owners are going to want to retain an attorney knowing that this is his/her first adult entertainment client. The only way to break in is to become connected with a law firm that is heavily involved in this area of practice and grow with the firm.

But the stronger advice I would give is, “Don’t do it!”—unless you just fall into it, as I did. The legal challenges in the industry are less frequent because it is becoming more accepted, and the video industry is shrinking due to rampant piracy. Successful attorneys become successful because they go to work for good law firms, find good mentors and follow the lead.

What was the most surreal moment in your practice?

I don’t know that I can identify one. In dealing with censorship, which I do quite a bit, I am mystified by how politicians can get so exercised about adult entertainment. They have no clue the extent to which the voting public at large doesn’t much care about the topic one way or another.

Who are your role models?

My mentor, the late Bill Burge, was the first boss I had in the DA’s office. Unfortunately, he lost a battle with cancer about 10 years ago. Long after I left Houston, I kept in touch with him. We regularly brainstormed issues each of us was facing. Sorry that it isn’t some celebrity.

Why does the adult lawyer specialty seem to be dominated by men?

It does? Back when I was in Houston, Marian Rosen was as good an adult entertainment lawyer as there was in the whole state. Cathy Crosson, in Indiana, who works with me, has done spectacular work in the field for decades. Jennifer Kinsley in Ohio is clearly a rising star of the profession, which Corey Begner in Atlanta has been for decades. Nanci Clarence and Kate Dyer in San Francisco have done outstanding work over the years in this area. I apologize to any who didn’t come to mind.

I will agree with you that in terms of numerosity, men do dominate the roster of adult entertainment attorneys. I think the reason is that most of the attorneys who are heavily involved in this are from my generation (I am 60). When I was in law school, I think we had less than ten women in a class of almost 350, and that was the norm. So, the bulk of the attorneys in the adult entertainment arena are from a generation of lawyers in which the entire profession is dominated by males. And the amount of litigation has dwindled, so there hasn’t been the need to absorb new attorneys.

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Loose Ends, 11-13-08

by Bitter Newsroom on November 13, 2008 in News

Post image for Loose Ends, 11-13-08

Quick headlines from the Bitter Newsroom:

Here’s the story of man named Obama, who picked a group including several lawyers for his team.  This group will prepare for a new administration.  And that’s the way they all became the transition bunch.  [Associated Press]

It’s bar results season, and while you’re still stuck biting your nails to the quick, New York and California, SMU in Texas is celebrating a state-best passage rate.  [Dallas Morning News]

When your job is to legally coordinate how to lay people off, this is sort of your golden era.  [Am Law Daily]

Bread and water need to hire a PR firm because prisons are getting a bad rap for their culinary stylings today.  Actress Anne Hathaway’s spoiled fraud of an ex-boyfriend who scammed millions and now resides in the clink has his legal team saying he’s sick because the food it too unhygienic to eat.  Meanwhile, ex-Taiwan President Chen Shui-bian is on a hunger strike from prison in protest of his arrest.  [ Reuters | AFP]

Dying to hear all the inside scoop about the Yale Law School admissions process?  Booya!  There’s a Podcast.  Dean of Admissions Asha Rangappa chats you through the process from application to acceptance.  With no GPA or LSAT requirements and an amazing loan forgiveness program—not to mention you don’t have to worry about grades, rankings or basic competition—it’s a wonder they don’t receive 35,000 vs. 3,500 applicants annually.  [Yale.edu]

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Hypergamy

by Bitter Temp Guy on November 13, 2008 in Columns

Post image for Hypergamy

The weird thing about temping is that you never see the sonuvabitch partner who hired you. He’s always the same man, even if he’s a woman. And he always wants to know the same thing—”What’s your deal?”

Are you a degenerate alcoholic?
Are you bucking for a BigLaw job?
Are you crazy?
Are you hopeless?
Are you forever doomed to be the most ridiculous of life’s creatures, a six-figure temp?
Keep Reading ⇒

12comments

Caption This! 11-13-08

by Bitter Staff on November 13, 2008 in Contests

Post image for Caption This! 11-13-08

What in the Bitter Lawyer is going on in this picture?

Put your lawyerly wit to the test and post a comment with a hilarious caption about this meeting with a lame duck.  And keep it clean.  (Ish.) The editors’ favorite entry will be announced the next day.

Editors’ Pick 11-12-08

E-Monster: “Casual Friday at G’tmo.”

4comments

Loose Ends, 11-12-08

by Bitter Newsroom on November 12, 2008 in News

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Quick headlines from the Bitter Newsroom:

White & Case is more like White & Off-the-Case.  They’re the latest Big Firm to cut jobs.  “[The] international law firm said Tuesday it would lay off 70 lawyers, plus an additional 100 staff members, due to a decline in legal activity caused by the global financial crisis.” [Wall Street Journal]

Look out, Niagara Falls—there may be a whole new set of honeymooners headed that way.  Connecticut is expected to be the latest state to turn on the green light and begin issuing same-sex marriage licenses as soon as this morning to gay couples wanting to take the plunge.  [TheDay.com]

“Overreaching gun legislation” is on the minds of some Americans as gun sales surge.  Many are taking the opportunity to buy a “nice piece” as a preventative measure in case President-elect Obama puts a ban into effect when he takes office.  Something sounds so comforting about the idea of the holidays coming up while tons of Americans are freshly laid off and the statistic of record gun sales swirls around like a cinnamon stick in a hot cup of cider.  It’s a Bing Crosby song that practically sings itself.  [Los Angeles Times]

Apparently not everyone is taking Ex-Bitter’s advice about LL.M. degrees.  (10-31-08: I Might Get an LL.M.) Programs, such as Georgetown’s, are on the rise.  [FT.com]

N.F.L. retirees can supplement their free-falling pensions and 401(k) plans with $28.1 in damages, should the award stand.  Don’t hate the retired player, current players’ union, hate the video game.  [The New York Times]

You would think daddy issues would be a characteristic that relates more to sex offenders than to their lawyer, but attorney Bill Habern has made a career out of the unpopular cases.  [DallasNews.com]

We spend most of our time here at Bitter Lawyer worried about you: The desensitized fifth year, the pre-bar results neophyte, the gunner 1L and everyone in between.  But what about us—the publisher?  Nick Denton is restructuring Gawker Media in January and predicts the rest of us on-liners will soon be a little bit screwed.  But don’t think we’re going to be bitter about it.  We leave all that up to you.  Viva La Resistance!  [Valleywag]

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Caption This! 11-12-08

by Bitter Staff on November 12, 2008 in Comics, Contests

Post image for Caption This! 11-12-08

What in the Bitter Lawyer is going on in this picture?

Put your lawyerly wit to the test and post a comment with a hilarious caption about this military exercise.  And keep it clean.  (Ish.) The editors’ favorite entry will be announced the next day.

Editors’ Pick 11-11-08

Richard: “You’re telling me you bought the gold chain in prison from a man named Spider?”

7comments

Post image for I Want to Be a Banker in This Economy

I’m a (miserable) third-year associate at a big New York firm.  I know the economy is crappy right now, but is now a good time for a lawyer to try to get into investment banking?  Are firms hiring?  Are lawyers more valuable on Wall Street right now because of all the turmoil?

Thank you for this.  It’s a gift.  And quite possibly the dumbest question ever asked.  Right now is perhaps the worst time in the history of the world for a lawyer to try to get a job at an investment firm.  Thousands of sophisticated and experienced bankers are being laid off every week.  Investment banks are going bankrupt.  Hedge funds are imploding.  Private equity firms can’t get debt financing.  But other than that, things are great.

Bottom line:  It’s a terrible idea.  So suck it up and try to enjoy your misery.  Or try to find a different, non-legal profession that’s not under water.  Like nursing.  (Related: “Five Reasons Being a Lawyer is Great Now”)

Got a question for Ex-Bitter?  Email it to advice@bitterlawyer.com

Loose Ends, 11-11-08

by Bitter Newsroom on November 11, 2008 in News

Post image for Loose Ends, 11-11-08

Quick headlines from the Bitter Newsroom:

Legislation is being crafted that will make it a federal crime to sell tickets to President-elect Obama’s swearing-in ceremony in January.  240,000 tickets are available, but rumors are that the originally free tickets might sell on the open market for as much as $40,000—or as Sarah Palin would refer to the price: Two blouses and a skirt.  [Washington Post]

Florida has a new law which bans cyber bullying.  But at least when you’re being bullied online it’s harder for them to steal your lunch money.  [Jacksonville.com]

Executive orders.  See how your dad’s old edicts compare to those of the president’s.  [WSJ Law Blog]

A judge revoked bail for a teenager awaiting trial “after hearing that [the teenager] had allegedly threatened to dismember a lawyer who is a prospective witness in the case and mail his body parts to his family.” No word on whether the was to slice, dice, fillet or julienne the lawyer.  [Telegram.com]