Bitter Lawyer

Six Stupid Salutations (That Every Lawyer Uses)

I assume you all know that lawyers are stuck in the 1990s. Lawyers still use faxes. Many still hand write notes on yellow legal pads. Our offices are filled with filing cabinets from cases 8 years old. But most old-timey of all: We love writing letters. And when it comes to legal writing, its not [...]

Loose Ends, 11-7-08

by Bitter Newsroom on November 7, 2008 in News

Quick headlines from the Bitter Newsroom:

The feds are letting Spitzer off the hook. Mainly because they have no proof he misused campaign or public funds to maintain a healthy habit of call girls. So obviously his wife is feeling pretty good today knowing that cash came out of her own pocket. [Wall Street Journal]

Don’t be turning to Craigslist for factory outlet closeouts on discounted trysts, Eliot. 40 state Attorney Generals are aiming to make “Casual Encounters” a lot less casual. [Seattle Tech Report]

“Yesterday, Obama appointed three of his HLS classmates and one former HLS professor and alumnus to top transition team posts.” Which gives “riding the crimson wave” a whole new meaning. [Harvard Law School]

Thinking about going to law school in these depressed economic times? Then you’re a damn fool. Hate to burst your bubble (quite enjoy it, really), but the reasons why you think it’s such a good idea might need a little myth-busting. [The Philadelphia Lawyer]

Dispatch the lawyer hounds to Alaska and retrieve those clothes. Because it’s so important. And spending thousands of dollars on travel expenses to collect Palin’s clothing seems like the smart thing to do. Certainly a very “green” choice. [The Daily Mail]

A 30-year Deloitte partner, Thomas Flanagan, caps off his career by getting sued by his own accounting firm. Guess he never accounted for getting caught. [The Huffington Post]

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I Need a Post-1L Summer Plan

by Ex-Bitter on November 7, 2008 in Columns

QWhat should I do during the summer after my first year? I tried to get a summer associate job, but I didn’t even get an interview. I want to do something reasonably fun, but I don’t want to jeopardize my prospects for finding a second-year summer associate job. Any thoughts?
Keep Reading ⇒

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Who is Al Dickman?

by Bitter Staff on November 7, 2008 in Columns

In the brief history of Bitter Lawyer, one man has distinguished himself by commenting on nearly every piece of content we’ve put up. That man is Al Dickman.

Since we love comments (and because our own lunch plans fell through), we decided to sit down with Mr. Dickman and find out more about this legal sage and social commentator.

BL: Dickman, we’ll get right to the point. Who are you?

Dickman: I’m the guy that everyone loves to hate.

BL: Kind of a big ego you’ve got there, Dickman. Where can one acquire that sense of self-importance that you clearly have in spades?

Dickman: Get an old immigrant as a secretary and you’ll be fine.

BL: Secretary? So, you use her to boost your ego?

Dickman: I don’t think I will weigh in on this one because anything I say will be bashed by the women and the weasels trying to get some from those women.

BL: Fair enough. But here’s the thing, it’s a down economy and one of our readers says he can’t afford a secretary. Any advice for them?

Dickman: Tell this guy to become a hermaphrodite.

BL: Won’t that make him… well, something of a dillweed, for lack of a better word?

Dickman: Just don’t get an LLM from another crummy school or you will forever be branded as a dillweed.

BL: Dickman, you really know your stuff. Surely there must be a question you have for the legal community at large.

Dickman: Can someone explain why we can’t do anything about a woman who passes so much gas that we can’t stand it? HR says she’s protected under the ADA; we say this is bunk.

BL: Why don’t you just try talking to her about the smell?

Dickman: We shouldn’t waste time with losers.

BL: Pretty harsh, Dickman. Speaking of losers, can you tell us the secret of your success?

Dickman: I didn’t go to a top school, nor did I graduate at the top of my class. [But] I did do something right. I married a college student whose dad was impressed with my law degree and who has mucho dinero. Now I don’t think this avenue will work for everyone, but this is not a bad ace in the hole to have.

BL: Thanks for your time, Dickman. Tell us one last thing, if you will. How do we Bitter Lawyers get to live the Al Dickman fabulous life?

Dickman: Get the hottest chick, homes in Bel Air and Palm Desert.

BL: Sounds simple enough.

Dickman: Keep dreaming, loser. Envy will get you nowhere.

16comments

Caption This! 11-7-08

by Bitter Staff on November 7, 2008 in Comics, Contests

What in the Bitter Lawyer is going on in this picture?

Put your lawyerly wit to the test and post a comment with a hilarious caption about these law firm colleagues. And keep it clean. (Ish.) The editors’ favorite entry will be announced the next day.

Editors’ Pick 11-6-08

Lady of Law: “Testimony is more interesting with jazz hands.”

Loose Ends, 11-6-08

by Bitter Newsroom on November 6, 2008 in News

Quick headlines from the Bitter Newsroom:

Harvard has misplaced a computer tape that includes sensitive information on nearly 80,000 people. “‘Harvard Law School is contacting clients and running legal notices in newspapers to inform people about the tape loss,’ [university spokesman Robb] London said.” [Boston Herald]

Guy Ritchie (AKA: Madonna’s bitch soon-to-be-ex-husband) finally realized he needed to bring in the big guns. [My Park Magazine]

It’s going to be nothing but roses, sunshine, smooth transitions and bipartisan behavior when Obama swears in next year. [Boston Herald]

Lost book of the Bible? The book of billables. St. Thomas More, the patron saint of lawyers, would be so proud. [Law.com]

Even though most news regarding First Lady-elect Michelle Obama concentrated on her crowd-hissing Election Night dress, some still wonder what makes her tick. [Ms. JD]

12comments

Caption This! 11-6-08

by Bitter Staff on November 6, 2008 in Comics, Contests

What in the Bitter Lawyer is going on in this picture?

Put your lawyerly wit to the test and post a comment with a hilarious caption about this court witness. And keep it clean. (Ish.) The editors’ favorite entry will be announced the next day.

Editors’ Pick 11-5-08

future_bitter: “Now this is what I call community organizing!”

5comments

My Biggest (Dis)Appointment

by Bitter and Abused on November 6, 2008 in Columns

This story is dedicated to all you associates who earn three times more than me and complain about your lives. A little perspective is always refreshing.

I am the only associate in a small family law firm. The senior partner of the firm has been practicing for 30+ years, yet somehow has managed to avoid both learning the law and trying complicated cases. (That’s my job apparently.) On top of that, he’s an egomaniacal sociopath. Among his favorite things to do is to question the intelligence of his staff (myself included) in front of clients, other lawyers, judges, etc. He seizes on any opportunity to say or do something degrading to the people who work for him. It’s no coincidence that the turnover rate at my firm is high.

Today, I set up a meeting, complete with videographer, for our client and her husband-to-be to execute a prenuptial agreement. (The partner loves to showboat for clients, except in court when there’s a chance he’ll be exposed for the fool that he is.) The partner wanted me in on this meeting so I could witness his astounding brilliance and then notarize the prenups. Naturally, the clients were running late so the meeting did not start on time. While waiting, I decided to leave my office to go to the restroom.

I wasn’t gone two minutes when I hear the door to the restroom swing open and the distinct sound of the partner’s loafers clicking on the tile floor. (The partner has an unmistakable gait, and this is not the first time he has stormed into the restroom looking for me. And bear in mind that the restroom on my floor is public, so there are other people using the facility as all of this is transpiring.) The partner bellows, “Are you in here?!?!” I mumble, “Uh, yeah.” He continues, “Well the videographer is here and so are the clients. We’re all waiting on YOU! Hurry up!” I respond, “Okay.” He then says he is going to tell the clients that I am “finishing up a meeting.” That’s when someone else in the restroom who’s witnessed all of this chuckles and says, “Tell them he’s taking an appointment.” The partner retorts, “Yeah, it’s the biggest one HE’LL have all day.”

So here I sit, underpaid, underappreciated and underwhelmed. I’m sending out my resume next week. Maybe the next lawyer job will come with enough money to make the inevitable abuse tolerable. Or maybe I’ll go into teaching.

Report your tales of Associate Abuse. Email them to info@bitterlawyer.com

13comments

Caption This! 11-5-08

by Bitter Staff on November 5, 2008 in Comics, Contests

What in the Bitter Lawyer is going on in this picture?

Put your lawyerly wit to the test and post a comment with a hilarious caption about this bar scene. And keep it clean. (Ish.) The editors’ favorite entry will be announced the next day.

Editors’ Pick 11-4-08

drlove: “Yes. Bring back blueberry syrup to IHOP.”

7comments

I Was Hit on by a Gay Partner

by Ex-Bitter on November 5, 2008 in Columns

I went out for drinks last week with a partner I work with a lot. He’s gay, I’m not. We both got pretty drunk, and he sort of hit on me. I think. Nothing too blatant, but he was definitely a little flirty. Asked if I’d ever been with a man, I said no. He then asked if I’d ever thought about it. I said no. Anyway, my point is, it got a little weird. And I’m not homophobic. We work together a lot—and I like this guy—but I’m not into the whole “gay exploration” thing. I think he was probably just drunk. Should I say something to him? Tell him he crossed the line? Make a joke about what happened? He seems a little awkward around me lately.

I’d let it go. If it happens again, have a talk. If not, move on. No need to turn an awkward, drunken moment into an even more awkward, sober moment. If he’s a good guy, he’ll appreciate your coolness.

Got a question for Ex-Bitter? Email it to advice@bitterlawyer.com

Loose Ends, 11-5-08

by Bitter Newsroom on November 5, 2008 in News

Quick headlines from the Bitter Newsroom:

An HLS-educated lawyer is now the ultimate American boss-elect, which means a White Sox fan is moving into the White House. After a 21-month campaign, Barack Obama reigns supreme. And regardless of politics, the day’s results, culminating last night with a “serious” Obama in Chicago’s Grant Park, were powerful and historic. At least enough to (sort of) take center stage away from Oprah for a few spare moments. But how did he go from “Yes I Can” to “Yes I Did”? [Newsweek]

“Change has come to America.” But not entirely for everyone. The three states voting on gay marriage bans have mainly approved them—the fate of California’s Proposition 8 still somewhat TBD. But even if states allowed gay marriage, how would it play out at law firms? Will “partner” ever be a term that has an acceptable, non-equity meaning throughout Biglaw? [Am Law Daily]

Just as you were starting to think San Fran over Vegas for that bachelor party you’re planning, the Bunny Ranch may still be your best option. Looks like Bay Area prostitutes aren’t going to be getting the free ride from police they were hoping for. [Examiner.com]

NYC Big Firms might be the popular jocks from high school who show up pudgy, bald and a lot less cool at the 10-year reunion. [Law.com]

Some ladies are finally getting a leg up. [Chicago Tribune]

“The Supreme Court Tuesday seemed split over the threat that vulgar words broadcast on television might pose to American children.” So basically, there’s still no official decision on whether it’s really a bad idea to watch Californication with eight-year-olds. [Wall Street Journal]

You may have turned to old standbys CNN, NBC, Drudge and HuffPo for updates, but networking site Twitter seemed to have everyone “tweeting” about the election yesterday. If only most things you read in a day were 140 characters (and not pages) in length. [Associated Press / Chicago Tribune]