Bitter Lawyer

Six Stupid Salutations (That Every Lawyer Uses)

I assume you all know that lawyers are stuck in the 1990s. Lawyers still use faxes. Many still hand write notes on yellow legal pads. Our offices are filled with filing cabinets from cases 8 years old. But most old-timey of all: We love writing letters. And when it comes to legal writing, its not [...]

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No Happy Endings Here

by Bitter Newsroom on August 30, 2008 in News

Looking for a new “SeXXXercise” class to tone your abs? Don’t look in Pennsylvania. A woman, Stephanie Babines, is suing Adams Township, Pennsylvania for refusing to allow her to open a dance and fitness studio that features pole-dancing, power lap dance, strip tease, and, of course, “SeXXXercise” classes on the grounds it’s a sexually oriented business.

Babines explains in her lawsuit that the classes at her studio, Oh My You’re Gorgeous, are taught and performed fully clothed and no spectators are allowed. “My classes are a specially designed exercise for women that allows them to have fun, feel confident about their bodies and express their sexuality,” Ms. Babines noted to the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. “This is not a strip joint or gentleman’s club. This is a dance and fitness studio just like hundreds of others that have recently opened around the country, including here in the Pittsburgh area.”

It remains unclear why exactly Babines’s permit was turned down, but a spokesperson for Adams Township has indicated, “We have too many legitimate businesses around here seeking permits. Good, honest businesses like liquor stores and gun shops. To accept Miss Babines’ application would, in effect, deny one of these honest operations a permit for their business. That’s a risk we couldn’t take.” [WSJ Law Blog]

Bitter Lawyer CLE: Week in Review (Aug. 25-29)

by Bitter Newsroom on August 30, 2008 in News

What Bitter Lawyers have learned this week (Aug. 25-29):

Some in-laws can strain a relationship—others just strain your intimate apparel

Method acting can lead you down a slippery slope

Don’t claim to be well endowed unless you’re willing to back it up

A penny might buy you her thoughts—but not her body

Fun is serious business, at least when it involves “young lawyers gone wild”

Lonely at the top? Enjoy it while it lasts

A hipster with a water gun can be more dangerous than you think

Looks like women prefer life partners over life as partners

Checking someone’s inbox can get you deleted

Shaq Attacks are best when they’re proofread

It’s not over till the fat lady…gets through the door

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Seven Things to Look Forward to as a Junior Associate

by Bitter Staff on August 30, 2008 in Columns

Seven Things to Look Forward to as a Junior Associate:

1. Doing absolutely nothing all week, then getting a Friday phone call from a partner at 5:15 PM.

2. Being uninteresting to people with cool jobs.

3. Telling people that vacations are for pussies and actually believing it.

4. Telling your friends that you have a shot at making partner.

5. Finding out that you were just passed over for partner.

6. Changing jobs without letting your new firm know that you were passed over for partner.

7. Not making partner at your new firm because they already knew you were passed over for partner at your old firm.

Check out other lists, tallies and scores to settle in Bitter by Numbers.

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David Duchovny: The XXX Files

by Bitter Newsroom on August 29, 2008 in News

Oh irony, you’re too cruel. And kind of gross: David Duchovny has checked into rehab for sex addiction. In a statement released yesterday by his lawyer, Stanton “Larry” Stein, the actor, who plays a sex-obsessed character on the Showtime series, Californication, said he went in voluntarily, adding: “I ask for respect and privacy for my wife and children as we deal with this situation as a family.”

Of course. And we all know that the quickest route to privacy and respect is to have your lawyer hold a press conference telling the world that you’re in rehab for being a sex freak. [HuffPost]

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We Just Hope It Wasn’t a Water Bra

by Bitter Newsroom on August 29, 2008 in News

A 26-year-old Arizona man was arrested this week on suspicion of criminal damage after he tore up his wife’s new bra during an argument involving his visiting in-laws. According to police reports, Salazar called the police to his home to settle a verbal dispute with his wife’s family about the fact that he wanted them to leave and his wife didn’t. After the police arrived, however, Salazar promptly “announced he was angry, went upstairs and tore up his wife’s new bra valued at $28.” He then apparently called his wife upstairs to show her the bra in pieces.

Attempts to reach Mrs. Salazar for comment were unsuccessful, although anonymous sources have confirmed that she now totally suspects that it was Carlos, and not, as he had originally claimed, “the dog,” who chewed off the “Ju,” “o” and “e” from the ass panel her favorite Juicy Couture velour tracksuit the last time her parents were in town. [Arizona Republic]

Loose Ends, 8-29-08

by Bitter Newsroom on August 29, 2008 in News

Quick headlines from the Bitter Newsroom:

Should junior associates pay law firms for “training”? The Legal Blog Watch is reporting that this guy seems to think so. As he argues, “If associates get all the benefits of training at my law firm in the first three years, and can’t really add much value anyway, why don’t they pay us?” Funny, that’s what we thought those 100-hour weeks were doing. [Legal Blog Watch]

Is that a hard drive in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? A Fordham University student is sitting in jail after being caught stealing over $10,000 in computers from the school’s campus over the past five months, including three laptops and four 19-inch monitors—and then trying to sell them on Craigslist. [NY Post]

Your street meat is safe, Los Angeles. For now. [WSJ Law Blog]

Have we learned nothing from Miss Tatum? If you’re Mackenzie Phillips, the answer, apparently, is: well, sort of, but mostly no. The 48-year-old former One Day At a Time actress was busted yesterday for trying to bring heroin and cocaine through metal detectors at Los Angeles International Airport. It remains unclear whether it was stored in a container weighing 3 oz or less. [People]

Ex-convict and founder of the now-bankrupt Death Row Records, Marion “Suge” Knight, was jailed Wednesday on assault and drug charges after he was accused of beating his girlfriend while brandishing a knife near the Las Vegas Strip, police are reporting. I know, we can hardly believe it, too. [HuffPost]

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TV Review: Raising the Bar

by Bitter Staff on August 29, 2008 in Columns

RAISING THE BAR

Premieres Labor Day, TNT, 10 p.m.

Synopsis: Life of a righteous public defender and his friends, who just so happen to be prosecutors and judicial clerks. And really cute.

Pedigree: A+. Steven Bochco. The Cravath, Swaine & Moore of television producers. Emmy Award winning credits include L.A. Law, Hill Street Blues and NYPD Blue. Not to mention, Doogie Howser, M.D..

Overview: Public Defender (played by Mark-Paul Gosselaar) clashes with crazy, right-wing judge to free innocent African American man wrongfully accused of rape. The rational and gorgeous prosecutor (played by Melissa Sagemiller) understands the case is weak, and agrees to plead out the defendant to a less serious crime, but the wacko judge won’t accept the plea. The Public Defender goes nuts in his pursuit of justice and gets thrown in jail for contempt. In between the court battles, the prosecutors and public defenders hang out at the local bar and talk about their jobs.

High Points: Jonathan Scarfe, who plays a deliciously circumspect law clerk and Currie Graham, the charmingly heartless and randy chief prosecutor.

Low Points: Mark-Paul Gosselaar’s one-note, super-earnest pursuit of justice begins to wear thin; the legal plotline and judge’s absurd behavior (whether she’s crazy or not) is implausible; the legal and romantic plot turns feel obvious and conventional.

Verdict: It’s not Mr. Bochco’s best. The acting is solid, if not brilliant, and the storytelling, though familiar, is interesting enough to entertain. But if you’re one of those lawyers who can’t watch a legal show that plays fast and loose with the law, don’t bother. You’ll go insane.

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Enzyte: Long Answer to a Short Question

by Bitter Newsroom on August 28, 2008 in News

The founder of male sexual enhancement product Enzyte, which reportedly used ads featuring “Smiling Bob,” the world’s happiest and most confident man, has led to a whopping jail sentence for the founder of Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals.

A judge sentenced the defendant, Steve Warshak, to 25 years in prison after he was convicted in February on 93 counts of conspiracy, fraud and money laundering. Federal prosecutors claim the company bilked customers out of $100 million through a series of deceptive ads, manipulated credit card transactions and refusal to accept returns or cancel orders. Judge Spiegel ordered the company, along with other defendants, to forfeit more than $500 million–a figure based on how much Warshak and the company took in.

“Steven Warshak preyed on perceived sexual inadequacies of customers.” Spiegel said one aspect of the fraud relied on the reluctance of customers to come forward, which would mean admitting they ordered the sexual enhancement pills.

Prosecutors contend, however, that the most compelling aspect of the case is the unequivocal validation of the age-old maxim: Size matters. “The best part of this case is that we can finally put to bed the notion that men don’t care about penis size,” says Richard Johsnon, General Counsel for Size Matters, Inc., a national nonprofit thinktank dedicated to proving that the actual size of a man’s genitals is indeed a primary component of his self-confidence and ability to satisfy a sex partner. Representatives for It’s Not The Size Of The Boat, It’s the Motion Of The Ocean Council, its primary competitor, did not return Bitter Lawyer’s repeated requests for comment. [WSJ Law Blog]

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I’m Unsure How to Handle an OCI Situation

by Ex-Bitter on August 28, 2008 in Columns

I met a partner from this highbrow law firm when I was out one night having a nice dinner with my fiancée. I asked for his card, he gave it to me, and I ran into him again at that very same restaurant when I was waiting for a friend to meet me at the bar. He remembered me, and we talked for a bit. It turns out that I currently work with one of his good friends, and he’s also a graduate of my current law school.

So I came to find that his firm was conducting OCIs at my school. I applied, looked him up on the firm website, and saw that he was on the firm’s board of directors. I decided to e-mail him asking if he could help me secure an interview. I expected no response. Sure enough, he emailed me back, told me that he remembered me, said that he would help me out, and said that he would “recommend me” to the partner conducting interviews (he also gave me that partner’s name.) He ended his response with “good luck”.

What does this mean in lawyerspeak? Does it mean that he got me an interview, but anything beyond that, I’m on my own? Should I offer to take the guy out to lunch so we could get to know each other better? What about the partner conducting interviews? Should I reach out to her before she come to campus? What should I say?

Based on what you’ve told me, it means he’s going to help you get an interview. That’s it. Unless, of course, there’s more going on here than you’re suggesting. If there’s not, here’s what you should do…

If Partner Guy delivers on his email and gets you an interview with his firm, send him a thank you email prior to the on-campus interview. If for some reason he doesn’t hook up the interview, send him an email asking him one more time if he can possibly get you on the list (citing the various reasons you think his firm is a good fit for you, etc…).

Other than that, leave it alone. No lunch. No calls. No flirting. If you get the interview, show up and do your thing. That’s it. And no matter what, do not reach out to the interviewing partner prior to the interview. What would you say? “Hi, I met this guy at a bar… Don’t really know him, but he hooked me up with an interview. Oh well, I hope you guys hire me. Bye.” I also wouldn’t drop your bar-buddy’s name in the actual interview either, unless of course, the interviewer brings it up first.

And yeah, you’re on your own after that.

Got a question for Ex-Bitter? Email it to info@bitterlawyer.com.

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Gayholm Syndrome: LIVING the DREAM, Webisode 5

by Rick Eid on August 27, 2008 in Columns, Video

If you really must know, a million years ago, when I was a first-year law student, a woman I was dating off and on asked me one night, jokingly, if I was gay. It’s worth noting that the question was posed moments after I told her, yet again, that I was tired and not in the mood to have sex. It’s also worth noting that I was stressed out, studying for finals and dating someone else at the time. Anyway . . . .

Two days later, after about 40 consecutive hours of studying torts, my mind began to drift—and I began to wonder if maybe I was gay. Until this precise moment in time, the thought had never entered my mind. Not for a millisecond. But somehow, after being trapped in a library for what seemed like a decade, I began to question everything and anything—especially if it was unrelated to law. Did I believe in God? Was The Godfather Part II really better than The Godfather, or is it just one of those trendy things to say? Is it possible to actually hear color?

So anyway, there I was, studying “foreseeability” when a handsome blond man walked past. No big deal. But then, my so-called girlfriend’s words began to echo in my mind. “Are you gay?” Bored and sensory deprived, I stared at the lad and wondered: if I were on a desert island, could I possibly imagine . . . Oh my God! I could. Kind of. I guess. Imagine it. In a theoretical, desert-island kind of way. Maybe. Then again, I could also imagine eating raw bison if I was on a fucking desert island. Nonetheless, my mind began to race. Was I really gay? And if I was, how come it never occurred to me before? And how come I like women so much? Thankfully, a moment later, another man walked by. Fat, kind of bald. No interest. Then another. Athletic, reasonably attractive. Nope. As I was trying to process all this, a not-so-attractive woman walked by and my sexual orientation was instantaneously—and unequivocally—restored. If she were on the desert island too, I’d go with the not-so-cute woman. No brainer. The blond guy was officially dead to me. Desert island or no desert island.

For about twelve seconds, I was convinced I might be gay—not because I was gay, but because I’d been so goddamn deprived of any and all external stimulation for weeks. Not to mention sleep.

Gayholm Syndrome (a riff on Stockholm Syndrome) is a law-firm dramatization of the cruel jokes your mind can play when you’re trapped in a windowless conference room for three days straight. POWs fall in love with their captors even though they hate them, so why can’t first year associates fall in love with gay co-workers even though they’re straight?