Bitter Lawyer

10 Things You Will Do While Studying for the Bar

The ten things you will almost always do during the weeks of studying for the bar exam.

Quit While You’re Ahead

by Bitter Newsroom on August 6, 2008 in News

Continuing the long tradition of revered Olympians who seem to spend more time on the tabloid stands than on the medal stands, Greek sprinter Katerina Thanou is now suing the International Olympic Committee for failing to pass her a gold medal won by disgraced athlete Marion Jones in the 2000 Sydney Olympics. Thanou won the silver medal in the 100 meters at Sydney, finishing second behind Jones—who was later stripped of the gold after confessing to using steroids. Despite Thanou’s repeated requests, the Committee has still not handed over the gold medal she believes is rightfully hers. One possible reason: Soon after winning the silver, Thanou herself was busted for juicing and was banned from competition for two years.

Thanou returned to international competition in 2007 and has qualified for the Beijing Games, although an Olympic Disciplinary Committee still must meet to determine her eligibility to compete. We certainly can’t predict how the Committee will rule, but we can confidently say that Thanou would be wise to remember, like any athlete seeking Olympic glory: If at first you don’t succeed…well, maybe just stop trying in this case, actually. Sorry. It’s just that whole steroid thing. Olympic Committees apparently have a hard time getting over that one. [Sports Illustrated]

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Use Your Own Damn Office

by Bitter and Abused on August 6, 2008 in Columns

I am a first-year associate at a medium-sized downtown Miami law firm. I am the affable, hard-working guy around the office that goofs around with all the secretaries and is generally making jokes. I wonder, however, if my easygoing, good-natured office persona has made me a pushover in the eyes of my fellow associates. Take this egregious display of disrespect (Keep in mind names have been changed to protect the innocent, mainly myself):

I was swamped in the office. I was working on one of my more pressing matters, which has a hearing coming up very soon. I’m in my office, and I get a page from the receptionist: “Anthony, is Michael in your office?”
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Wesley Snipes: Attorneys’ Fees Should Be the Least of Your Worries

by Bitter Newsroom on August 6, 2008 in News

Wesley Snipes just can’t catch a break these days. On top of being handed a three-year prison sentence earlier this year for willfully failing to file his income taxes, the actor is now being told that he must reimburse the government about $217,000 for prosecution costs related to his conviction. Snipes, who is in the process of appealing his prison sentence, has apparently “objected to the cost.”

While we agree that having to pay for the people who sent to you prison is indeed objectionable, we can’t help but ask the “Blade” star: How’d refusing to pay government-mandated fees work out for you last time, guy? Last we checked, you’re trying to convince a court to let you out of having to go to prison for three years—maybe just stop complaining, pony up the 200K, and pray to God that you get some brownie points with the judge. [HuffPost]

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Marc Korman, Partner, Endeavor Talent Agency

by Bitter Success on August 6, 2008 in Interviews

Title and Employer?

Partner, Endeavor Talent Agency.

Okay, but what do you really do?

I represent writers and directors. My primary responsibility is to find them interesting creative and financial opportunities in television and film.

Law school, class rank?

Chicago–Kent College of Law. Top 10%.

What firms did you work at?

Cook County Public Defender. Pat Boyle and Associates. And for a year of so, I had my own firm. Represented restaurant and nightclub owners—probably because I worked nights as a bartender to make extra money.

Practice area?

Criminal, Personal Injury and some transactional stuff (relating to bars and restaurants).

Worst memory of being a lawyer?

Pleadings and discovery.

Best memory of being a lawyer?

Being a public defender. I loved it. It was exciting and fun and I felt like I was actually doing something real. The only drawback was the money. I made about $27,500 a year, which didn’t go too far in Chicago. So I supplemented my income by bartending, drafting appeals for private criminal attorneys and handling “pain in the ass” transactions for friends. Truth is, when I added everything up, I actually made more money than most of my friends at the big firms—and unlike them, I actually had some fun.

Describe your “I have to get the f*** out of here” epiphany.

There wasn’t really one specific moment. Like I said, I actually liked being a lawyer. So it wasn’t really some major, earth-shattering epiphany. It was more of a gradual thing.

So how does a former Public Defender from Chicago hit it big in Hollywood?

After being a lawyer for seven years or so, I started asking myself those early-thirties “meaning of life” questions, like “Was I really meant to be a lawyer?” “Is it wrong to crave a more exciting job?” I was working for a civil litigation firm at the time and I was bored. I wanted a more fast-paced, exciting challenge. For some reason, I picked LA and the entertainment business. Not really sure why. It just sounded fun. So I sold my loft and decided to move west.

You just moved to LA and said “Here I am?”

Kind of. But nobody cared. I was 32, didn’t know anyone—and didn’t even know what kind of job I wanted. But that was irrelevant. Or just stupid. Anyway, call it fate or serendipidity, but just prior to moving, I met a few guys who were making a movie in Chicago. They’d come into the bar where I was working and get drunk and have a wild time. They were quickly dubbed the “cool movie guys in town for the summer.” Long story short, one of them offered me his apartment for a week to get settled—and I ended up living there for four years. The “cool guys” became my LA family.

So you get to LA, then what??

I landed a part-time job at New World Television. Sounds sort of sexy, but it wasn’t. They were going out of business and needed some hack attorney—like me—to help with remaining production issues. The only thing I did during those three months was concentrate on finding a new job. I called every person listed on the New World phone sheet and took anyone and everyone out for drinks, breakfasts, coffees…Whatever, wherever, so long as they knew more than me…which included every person in LA.

Shortly thereafter, I landed a job in the legal affairs department at ABC. I think the head of the department felt sorry for me. Honest. He was from Chicago, went to a no-name law school like me… So he gave me a job drafting licensee agreements. Problem was, I’d never really drafted a contract. So I sucked at it. Each day I would walk into my bosses’ respective offices to discover that I was an even bigger moron than I was the day before. And trust me, the job wasn’t glamorous. But for seeing Drew Carey in the cafeteria once, I was completely disconnected from “Hollywood.” I might as well have been working at some mid-size firm in Akron. It was right around then that I decided to become an agent. They seemed to have the best job in Hollywood. They made deals, but didn’t have to worry about minute details. But being a loser licensee lawyer isn’t exactly the fast track to agent superstardom. So I had to start my job search all over again.

How did you transition from “loser licensee lawyer” to agent?

It wasn’t easy, trust me. The first thing I did was call up some agents I knew and offer to work for free—but they all said no. In fact, they thought I was insane. So I started looking for people with similar backgrounds to me who might give me a break—or like the guy at ABC, feel sorry for me. When I discovered that one of the top literary agents in town was a former public defender, I made a beeline for his office. But the receptionist wouldn’t let me in the door. I tried calling him a bunch of times, but his assistant wouldn’t put me through. So I basically stalked him. Found out where he parked his car and waited for him. Unfortunately, when he saw me standing by his car, he was terrified. I quickly explained who I was and what I wanted, and he was kind enough to let me take him out for a drink later in the week. Though he didn’t offer me a job, he did give me some great advice: Get a job as a business affairs executive. Learn how to negotiate deals on behalf studios or networks. After a few years, you’ll have something (deal making experience) to offer agencies.

After about a month, I got an entry-level job at Fox Television Studios as a business affairs executive. I negotiated actor, writer and director deals for about a year, established more relationships and felt like I was finally ready to become an agent. Again, I went around and offered my services for free to the major agencies—and again, they all said no (and continued to think I was some annoying, freakish pest).

A month later, I got an offer to work as a business affairs executive at a new management/production firm founded by Michael Ovitz, who was, at that point in time, the most powerful man in Hollywood. So I said yes. I immediately began to harass the various managers, asking them how to break into the talent-representation side of the biz. (Agents and managers basically do the same thing. The main difference is that agents are more heavily regulated under state law and can’t “produce.”) But no one was interested in helping. After about seven months, I got a meeting with Ovitz. Like I said, back then, this guy was God. The most influential man in show business. My heart was thumping. I told him I wanted to “represent talent” and that I would work for free. Unlike everyone else, he didn’t look at me like I was out of my mind. All he said was “I’m not sure how something like that would work…and there might be legal complications if we don’t pay you.” Right then, I knew I had a shot. So I told him he could pay me whatever he wanted. That he could keep a tab, so to speak, and if he wasn’t happy after six months, I’d write him a check for whatever I cost the firm. A week later I was a manager working for Mike Ovitz.

Unfortunately, about a year later, the company began to fall apart. Executives and clients (such as Leo DiCaprio, Cameron Diaz, Robin Williams) were leaving the firm. It was time for me to jump ship too. The good news was, I finally had enough street cred to get a job at major agency now.

I started my career at United Talent Agency, then moved to Endeavor. We represent lots of amazing, talented people, including Matt Damon, Ben Stiller, Adam Sandler, Martin Scorcese, Mark Walhberg, Steve Carrell, Jack Black and David E. Kelley (another ex-lawyer).

Any advice for bitter lawyers out there looking to change careers?

Follow your dream—and don’t be afraid to suck it up and make a fool out of yourself.

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I Want Big Pay for Little Work

by Ex-Bitter on August 6, 2008 in Columns

I’m a part-time student at a tier 4 school in Kentucky you’ve never heard of. I don’t have lofty aspirations, but I make really good grades and could probably crack a local large or mid-size firm. I’m going to be totally honest, though—I’m lazy. I don’t want to work 80 or even 60 hours a week. I have enough time pulling 40. But here’s the deal, I like money. I want to make as much as I can. So, the question: After graduation, how do I make the most scratch for doing the least amount of work?

So let me get this straight: You go to a fourth tier school and want to make lots of scratch without working too hard. Okay, I get it. I think. You’re like this really short kid I once knew who got cut from the eighth grade basketball team, yet wanted to play for the Boston Celtics—but didn’t want to practice. The (only) good news here is: At least you’re honest about what you want (money) and what you don’t want (to work hard).

First off, you definitely shouldn’t work at a “real” law firm. You’ll work too hard and won’t make enough “scratch.” So, if you want to be a lawyer, your best bet is to consider plaintiffs’ work. In other words, become an ambulance chaser. They’re more entrepreneurial than most attorneys—and if they’re successful, they make lots of cash. Like millions. Granted, it’s low on the prestige totem pole—but if you’re going to a no-name school in Kentucky, that’s probably not terribly important to you anyway.

If you want to do something nonlegal—which, by the way, would be my advice for someone who wants to make money without working hard—you might want to consider some sort of financial services sales position. Doesn’t even matter what you sell—as long it costs a lot to buy. Your hours will be 9 to 5, and your job will consist of taking clients to dinner, playing golf and yes, visiting the occasional strip club.

But know this, hombre: The easiest way to get rich is to work your ass off. So my real advice is: Either make money a less important goal, or make working hard a more important one. Or marry rich.

Got a question for Ex-Bitter? Email it to info@bitterlawyer.com.

Photo by meophamman

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Yet Another Reason to Avoid Sorority Girls

by Bitter Newsroom on August 5, 2008 in News

Federal authorities investigating the recent suicide of Bruce Ivins, the former Army scientist thought to be responsible for several deaths related to anthrax poisonings in the weeks following 9/11, have discovered a particular and decades-long obsession of Ivins, which may shed some light on the pending investigation.

The apparent object of the mad scientist’s intense obsession? The inner lives of famous serial killers? Nope. Obscure German fetish porn? No, the actual obsession was far more sinister: Kappa Kappa Gamma, a sorority with chapters at colleges across the United States—including one in Princeton, New Jersey, about 100 yards from the mailbox where Ivins is believed to have mailed deadly anthrax-laced letters to unsuspecting victims. This, according to U.S. officials, “could explain one of the biggest mysteries in the case: why the anthrax was mailed from Princeton, New Jersey, 195 miles from the lab it’s believed to have been smuggled from.”

It’s unclear why exactly Ivins harbored the obsession with this particular branch of lady Greeks, but authorities have explained that he “was obsessed with Kappa Kappa Gamma, going back as far as his own college days at the University of Cincinnati when he apparently was rebuffed by a woman in the sorority.”

There you have it. After millions of dollars and years of investigation, the motivation for Ivins’s becoming a homicidal lunatic driven to terrorize innocent victims turns out to be pretty simple—and pretty shared by creepy, obsessive social deviants the world over: being blown off by some sorority girl back in college. Go know. [AP via Yahoo News]

A Bad Call on So Many Levels

by Bitter Newsroom on August 5, 2008 in News

Local media are reporting that earlier this week, in an attempt to test the boundaries of his own criminal ineptitude, a man in Salinas, California stole a truck, only to be carjacked at gunpoint later that day. The Salinas authorities explained that a man named Edward Bishop told police that he stole a pick-up truck late Saturday night, and while idling in the truck the next day at—where else?—a 7-11, a carjacker hopped in, aimed a gun at Bishop and ordered him to ride around. Apparently, it was a short ride, because the truck ran out of gas, and even though the carjacker “ordered Bishop to push the truck,” Bishop ran away and—yes—called the police. Sources with the Salinas police have been unable to confirm whether Bishop, a professed long-time fan of the Olsen twins, demanded immunity before reporting the crime. [The Californian]

The One Time You’d Like to Be Confused with Your Twin

by Bitter Newsroom on August 5, 2008 in News

Reports are circulating throughout the media that mogul-waif Mary-Kate Olsen has demanded a promise of prosecutorial immunity from federal investigators before answering their questions about how Heath Ledger may have procured two intense painkillers that contributed to his accidental overdose death earlier this year. Investigators with the DEA have confirmed the sources for “all the drugs Ledger ingested, except for one, the powerful painkiller OxyContin, which they believe was obtained illegally.”

Mary-Kate has vehemently denied the rumors that she may have been involved with any of the drugs that contributed to Ledger’s death. As her attorney, Michael C. Miller, commented yesterday, “Despite tabloid speculation, Mary-Kate Olsen had nothing whatsoever to do with the drugs found in Heath Ledger’s home or his body, and she does not know where he obtained them.”

Like all legal pundits following the case, we have to say, we get where the girl’s coming from. We understand that the last thing she needs is to find herself staring down some sort of involuntary manslaughter charge for admitting that she passed along a couple of happy pills from her friendly neighborhood psychopharmacologist to a friend who later used them to overdose. That said, while we’re not quite criminologists, it does seem like the quickest way to make the DEA, no less the general public, suspect that you may, may have given someone illegal drugs, is to ask for immunity before being questioned about whether you…gave someone illegal drugs. Just a thought. [ABC News]

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Work That Yorkie While You Still Can, Fellas

by Bitter Newsroom on August 4, 2008 in News

The international media has recently reported that religious police in Saudi Arabia have imposed a ban on the sale of cats and dogs, as well as on the act of walking them in public, because of their apparent panty-melting effect on the ladies of Saudi Arabia. Othman al-Othman, head of the so-called Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice in Riyadh explained that the police were enforcing the ban in order to put an end to “the rising phenomenon of men using cats and dogs to make passes at women and pester families.”

When reached for comment, sources inside the Commission were unable to confirm whether the proposed bans on the use of flattering lighting and other people’s babies in public parks will be also put into effect any time soon. [AP via Yahoo News]

Photo by avelli

Alec Baldwin: A Promise Best Kept to Yourself

by Bitter Newsroom on August 4, 2008 in News

In reports that have surely sent a ripple of anticipation through the halls of law libraries nationwide, it has just been announced that Alec Baldwin’s new authoritative text on family law, “A Promise to Ourselves,” is set to hit the shelves September 23. Billed as a practical text on the topic of “family relationships,” Baldwin’s publisher explains that “using a very personal approach, he offers practical guidance to help others avoid the anguish he has endured.” Topics examined in the book apparently include prenuptial agreements, divorce strategies, attorneys, mediation versus trial, custody and visitation how-tos, co-parenting, and the political influence on the family law system.

And what, you may be wondering, necessarily qualifies the actor to write a practical guide on family law, aside from, of course, recently breaking up with practicing attorney Nicole Seidel and playing a prosecutor in the 1996 hit film, Ghosts of Mississippi? Well, according to his publisher, he has been “extensively involved in divorce litigation, and he has witnessed the way that noncustodial parents, especially fathers, are often forced to abandon hopes of equitable rights when it comes to their children.”

Hm. While we have no doubt that Baldwin is no stranger to the ins and outs of all things divorce-related, we can’t help but wonder when actors everywhere will please just stop pretending they’re experts on things they don’t actually understand. It’s bad enough that we have to suffer through their ramblings on politics; now we have to hear how they’re legal experts, too? Please, for the love of god, just stick to what you know. And in case you were wondering, no, having a heart attack doesn’t make you a thoracic surgeon, either. [Macmillan and NY Post]