Personalized Lawyer Horoscopes

Aries: March 21 – April 20

Honestly, you should have stayed home today. The extra helping of creamed spinach at Boston Market last night is typical of recent bad choices plaguing you, Aries. Stay away from your IOLTA. Actually, just go home.

Taurus: April 21 – May 20

Throw caution to the wind and eat out for lunch today, in the firm conference room. It’s that kind of week for you, Taurus, with exciting opportunities available so long as you remain attuned to them. Watch out for Scorpios who are judges. Shitty combo.

Gemini: May 21 – June 21

Secretaries who are Sagittarians are no longer off limits for you. Just be discreet and carry a disclaimer. You may find yourself in court soon. Be prepared to discuss your own inner feelings, especially to keep the judge’s attention away from your client, who is one of the worst examples of a Leo we’ve ever seen. By the way, the client will stiff you—again.

Cancer: June 22 – July 22

Good news, Cancer. You are channeling fellow Canceronian and Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. Feel the groove. Try not to participate in activities around you. But that’s mostly because you are out of your league. Sorry about that.

Leo: July 23 – August 22

Consider moving into reinsurance or ERISA law to energize your practice and impress your spouse or partner. A fellow lawyer will text you and say “WTF?” Don’t respond. Enjoy the moment. Keep Taurus at arm’s length, as he’s fiesty today and wants to punch something. Also, stop throwing around the term “boutique.” It gets old.

Virgo: August 23 – September 22

If a law school had an astrological sign, it would be Virgo. Like law schools, Virgos are deeply emotional inside, humanitarian and generous, truly loving and caring, and helping and supportive at their cores. Often misunderstood, Virgos are hard-working and maintain an innovative attitude.

Libra: September 23 – October 22

Today is not the day to stop reeling off random and irrelevant facts when faced with an incontestable legal argument. You do it so well. Keep it up. Mastery awaits you. Watch out for Leo. He has a restraining order this time. And a professional process server.

Scorpio: October 23 – November 21

Those Thin Mints you had stashed in your desk? Gone. And the chances of another Girl Scout’s dad showing up again at your office door? Actually, pretty good. Buy ten boxes this time. Live large. Keep away from Pisces. Kinda smelly today, and a partner noticed.

Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21

You will run eight miles today, a personal best. Otherwise, not much else is happening that is unique to you. See, Gemini, supra.

Capricorn: December 22 – January 19

It’s time to give up on P90X and all of the other expensive fitness programs strewn around your apartment. We’re not quite sure why you bought them in the first place, as you barely have time each day to rinse out your casserole dish in the firm kitchen. Yeah, we noticed.

Aquarius: January 20 – February 18

You will continue to struggle with working nine hours and billing for five. Unfortunately this should ring a bell for you in your quest to figure out why the partners call you the firm’s “nine-to-fiver.” Sucks, we know, but be assured that Aries sucks bigger.

Pisces: February 19 – March 20

Ruth Bader Ginsburg is a Pisces. Not that it’s relevant to you at all, but we thought we’d mention it. On the upside, expect a fat settlement check in the mail today. Nice! Make sure you give it to accounting this time.

Zodiac icons courtesy of Richard A. Olson

Gregory Luce is the editor of Bitter Lawyer. He creates stuff and writes various columns, including Legal Crap My Kids Ask Me, Ask a Futurist, and Postcards from Lawyers.

1 Comment

  1. Guano Dubango

    February 23, 2012 at 4:39 pm

    Which sign is the most likely to find me attractive enough to date, if not mate with me?

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