See’s The Day!

OMG, I just read that poor guy’s piece about being called “Cupcake,” and I had to share this. No, I’m not being called anything resembling a pastry by my coworkers, but this, if you’re more concerned about your purse than your persona right now like I am, is worse. And I’m totally obsessing over it.

Okay, it starts with me filling you in on the very best part of my day, which is very distinct and consistent—no matter what goes down that day. It’s one, ice-cold milk chocolate buttercream from See’s Candies. (See here—don’t they look delicious?) I eat one, and only one, everyday around 3:00 with my afternoon coffee. It’s a little slice of heaven that helps me gear up for the remainder of my day.

I’ve worked in New York for the past four years since I got married, and I get the chocolates shipped from home (San Diego) once a month because I don’t go for those ridiculous Russell Stover chocolates. Chalk it up to an East coast vs. West coast thing, but I take my chocolate very seriously.

Personally, I think they taste better out of the fridge, but that’s a matter of opinion. What is a matter of fact, however, is that they are MINE, MINE, MINE!

My name appears on the box in three (count ‘em, THREE!) places. The box is mostly white, and I mark my name with a red sharpie. There’s no way you could miss it. In fact, the man who takes my chocolates hasn’t missed my name. He sent me a note reminding me to replenish the supply!

Normally, I’d tell him to knock it off, but the chocolate thief isn’t just any shmo, he’s the managing partner. Apparently, he’s from California too. And I guess he misses his beloved See’s Candies as much as I do. That’s why he’s been helping himself to my stash.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: This is great news. I have an in, right? I have a reason to talk to him and a chance to make a name for myself.

WRONG!

I’m a staff attorney, and there’s just no way that this firm is going to put a staff attorney on what’s left of the partner track. I’m lucky to have a job at this point. We all are. So, I have no desire to complain to anyone about it but you. I just can’t believe that this guy keeps on taking my stuff, my chocolate, and he’s got the nerve to demand more. His last note even suggested I order a box of truffles instead!

Am I his dealer now or something?

I’ll probably cave. But this is going to get expensive, especially at the rate he goes through chocolate. I could likely spend over $2,000 this year on chocolate for this guy, and that’s before factoring in the shipping and handling, let alone my sanity.

My husband told me to just shut up and think of it as a toll—the cost of working there. But that’s crap. Nobody else has to kickback to keep their job, and staff lawyers, even at a big firm, don’t make as much as you think, so it’s not like I can just laugh it off. It would be different if he ever just asked. I definitely would mind as much.

I suppose I just could bring a mini-fridge of my own and keep it under my desk, which (ironically) would be like how the diabetic attorney down the hall keeps his insulin, but I shutter at the idea of being laid off and having to make a scene by hauling that thing out to the elevator.  Not to mention, this partner obviously now has expectations of having a See’s stash available to him.

I’ll definitely be anonymously dropping a See’s catalog on his secretary’s desk.

Read more anonymous tales of Associate Abuse. Or consider contributing your own.

31 Comments

  1. Guano

    August 6, 2009 at 5:46 am

    Suck it up, girl, or stop bringing in the chocolates.  If you keep eating them, you’ll turn into a house and no one will want to hire with you.  Since you are married, I am already not interested.

  2. Craig

    August 6, 2009 at 6:32 am

    You got three options. Either keep your chocolate at home, listen to your husband, or listen to Guano and stop eating chocolate altogether.  Why do you find it necessary to have a special stash of chocolates for you at work anyway? It is work, not nursery school. There is no snack time. Watching, or thinking about you delicately eating your special chocolates is kinda annoying. I would eat your chocolates too if you felt the need to bring them into work. Either stop bringing them into work, or accept that people will eat them. Be happy it is only one guy.  (I did enjoy the story though … comical)

  3. BL1Y

    August 6, 2009 at 6:57 am

    What’s this “little slice of heaven” nonsense?  It’s a freakin’ piece of chocolate.  This lady sounds neurotic.

  4. Anonymous

    August 6, 2009 at 7:32 am

    @BL1Y, she’s nuts indeed. But See’s is a little slice of heaven and then some. Come out west and pick up a box for alma.

  5. Lawyer Bob

    August 6, 2009 at 8:54 am

    Why is Guano here?
    Shouldn’t he be on a dating site instead?

  6. Craig

    August 6, 2009 at 9:19 am

    If Borat started a dating website, I’m sure Guano would be the first one to sign up.

  7. Jar Jar

    August 6, 2009 at 10:06 am

    Are you sure it’s the MP?  Methinks someone may be playing a trick on you.

  8. BL1Y

    August 6, 2009 at 12:01 pm

    Get another box and inject something foul into some of them (and remember which ones they are).  I’d go with soy sauce personally.  Ipecac won’t work in a small amount.  Anything hot will have sabotage written all over it.  Soy sauce will likely make him think it’s rotten/tainted/whatever and get sick.  It won’t look like sabotage (unlike hot sauce), so there’s little chance of retaliation.  Plus imagine how emasculating it’ll be for him to know he’s not man enough to do the right thing and warn you about the chocolates.

  9. Anonymous

    August 6, 2009 at 12:05 pm

    BL1Y, It seems like you’ve done this before. We need dets!

  10. Anonymous

    August 6, 2009 at 12:18 pm

    may i suggest injecting a little robotussen.

  11. BL1Y

    August 6, 2009 at 1:35 pm

    The ‘tussen could work too.  Not sure if the flavor would come across as rotten, or just a poorly flavored candy.

  12. Johnny Reb

    August 6, 2009 at 3:17 pm

    Wow some of you people are fucking retarded.  She eats one chocolate a day. So unless she has the metabolism of a rock, that won’t cause weight gain.
    As for snack time, You get 30 minutes a day for breaks and an hour for lunch.  I’m sure she can take a 10 minutes break at 3 PM without crippling her schedule too much. Happier employees tend to be more productive too.

  13. Alma Federer

    August 6, 2009 at 3:39 pm

    Don’t listen to these men.  Eat all the chocolate you want, but tell the boss that he has to buy his own.  It is unlikely you will get a permanent job from that guy anyway, so enjoy your chocolates.  And don’t worry, as long as you exercise you won’t get fat.  Besides, what does your husband think?  He is the only one that needs to see you anyway.

  14. ck4l

    August 6, 2009 at 5:39 pm

    oh, christ.  get the damned mini-fridge and shut the hell up.

  15. Anonymous

    August 6, 2009 at 10:41 pm

    this place is nerd central

  16. Ceegunz

    August 7, 2009 at 2:45 am

    This is the most entertaining rant I’ve read on here in a long time.  The writer should be a regular contributor.

  17. Becca

    August 7, 2009 at 5:48 am

    Why not just transfer the chocolates into a different box or container?  Put them in a margarine tub, vegimite jar or egg crate or something…just disguise them in a product box that the MP would have no interest in and hide it behind someones lunch that has been sitting in the back of the fridge for the past month. You’re an attorney…be creative.

  18. BL1Y

    August 7, 2009 at 6:50 am

    Becca, sorry to be elitist, but staff attorney /= attorney.  That’s like calling someone a captain when they’re really just a band captain.

  19. manda

    August 7, 2009 at 8:11 am

    what’s a staff attorney?  why don’t staff attorney’s matter?  are they like contract review people?
    just bring one chocolate a day.

  20. Guano

    August 7, 2009 at 9:15 am

    I could teach so much to these impressionable women lawyers, if only they would let me.  In my country, their parents would pay me the equivalent of $10000 if I agreed to take their hand in marriage.  But I am particular, since I have an LLM degree now.  Not just any woman lawyer will do.

  21. BL1Y

    August 7, 2009 at 9:45 am

    Manda: Staff attorneys basically do work that is technically practicing law (and so it requires a lawyer), but is basically just ministerial and required little legal education, such as doc review.

  22. BL1Y

    August 7, 2009 at 9:46 am

    Manda: Also, I think they tend to be hired for short amounts of time, like 3 months or so, probably based on the firm’s case load.

  23. Anonymous

    August 7, 2009 at 9:50 am

    Manda, will you please go and get a room with BL1Y.  He needs some relaxation with a woman of substance.

  24. Alma Federer

    August 7, 2009 at 10:13 am

    Gosh, Manda, you should never ask questions like this.  It only invites vultures like BL1Y to come down to try and help, but trust me, he’s now boy-scout.  I do NOT believe his intentions are honorable, as he has been known to bed women after a few drinks at the downtown clubbing scene in NY, and you can have no assurance that his helpfulness won’t lead to a miserable night in the sack with him or his friends.

  25. BL1Y

    August 7, 2009 at 12:39 pm

    Alma is correct.  Clearly my attempt to explain what a staff attorney is was just a barely-veiled attempt to get laid this weekend.  It’s a common pickup line known as I’ll Teach You The Meaning of “Staff.”

  26. Secretary1

    August 9, 2009 at 6:56 am

    Small cooler bag under your desk–keep one chocolate with an ice pack–low tech cheap solution to the problem.

    He’ll forget about it soon or order from that catalog and he won’t have the nerve to approach you directly.

  27. Anonymous

    August 9, 2009 at 7:28 pm

    Dig the fact that secretary, who you genius lawyers love to make fun of, nailed it. Simple, elegant solution.

  28. THE Jerry

    August 11, 2009 at 2:47 pm

    You have three options: (1) submit an expense report, (2) poison the chocolates with Ipacac, (3) do nothing and watch your self esteem fall. An earlier poster had it right: you won’t be making parter here, so don’t worry if you ruffle some feathers.

  29. Hannah Palindrome

    August 11, 2009 at 7:50 pm

    1. Keep it in the freezer at home

    2. Take it to work

    3. Eat the chocolate at your desk

    4. This is so STUPID

  30. Hannah Palindrome

    August 11, 2009 at 8:23 pm

    LICK ALL THE CHOCOLATES!

  31. www.pinkshoelawyer.blogspot.com

    September 26, 2009 at 3:11 pm

    a staff attorney is an associate who gets paid half as much, does much of the same thing, and has to bill 100 hours less a year.  And gets shit from the cleaning crew.
    many times it entails document review.  But “real” associates also do doc reviews, so don’t badmouth the JV team.  like drafting those complaints and answers are such tuff work.
    I have my own issues with personality-cult partner who singles you out in uncomfortable ways, and other people just don’t get it.  Perhaps they are so starved for the boss’s attention they lost their imaginations.

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