For reasons that continue to baffle us, law schools don’t teach a course on what you really need to know—how to spot a douchebag. While d-bags usually reveal themselves pretty quickly upon meeting them, it’s helpful to be able to identify one from a distance (so that you can walk the other way). But to do that, you need to be familiar with prototypical douchebag accessories. Spot more than three of the following, and there’s a pretty good chance the owner is, yup, a douche.
1. The Ride: BMW 3 Series
The 3 Series owner is a douchebag menace in legal circles. The car says, “I want to roll like a legit douchebag, but I’m too much of a risk-averse weenie to step up to a 5 series or, God forbid, a 7.” The only way to up the ante? A convertible 3 Series. Drop the top, and what’s inside? Ooh look, it’s a douchebag.
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2. The Ticker: Rolex
What time is it? Time to stop showing me your Rolex! I get it. You make a 175K and dropped 3 grand on a fancy watch. Nobody cares. Well, they did for a second—in the ‘80s.
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3. The Apparel: Monogrammed Anything
Does your mom still write your name in your underwear? Of course not. So why are you putting your initials on your shirt, briefcase or anything else? Newsflash: We know it’s your shirt—you’re wearing it.
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4. The Gadget: iPhone
Lawyers don’t need iPhones because a BlackBerry comes with the job. But it’s not the redundancy brought about by owning two phones that makes these lawyers douchebags, it’s their desperate attempt to look cool. Lawyers aren’t cool. Period. And there’s nothing worse than a desperate douchebag lawyer who thinks a phone is a passport to cool. Douchebags with iPhones are the same breed as those who think that simply obtaining a JD entitles them to money, power and great sex. It doesn’t, and neither does the iPhone.
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5. The Furnishings: Framed Diplomas
It should go without saying that every lawyer at the firm went to both college and law school. But true lawyer douchebags don’t let anything go without saying it. Which is why so many douchebags insist on decorating their office walls with paper that could just as easily be summed up in a single word—obvious. And who are you trying to impress? Your secretary? Your boss? We all know associates never meet clients in their offices.
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6. The Instrument: Mont Blanc Pen
Anyone who would spend more than a couple of bucks on a pen is a loser—but a few hundred for a Mont Blanc makes you a premium douchebag. It’s a pen. It writes just like a Uniball, which means there’s no real point to it other than to impress. And that means Mont Blanc owners are forever looking for ways to bring their PEN up in conversation. As Paris would say, “That’s hot.”
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7. The Look: Sunglasses and Tuxedos
Wearing shades with a suit is fine for a daytime funeral, but since you’d never wear a tux to a cemetery, combining sunglasses with formal wear is always a bad idea. In fact, it’s so bad most douchebags know better than to try and pull off that Tom Ford look, which means that rocking Ray-Bans with a black tie is reserved for hardcore douchebags. You’ll likely find these unfortunate specimens at DKE reunions or destination weddings in Anguilla for a bro who’s marrying some chick he met during his senior-year Spring break trip to Cancun.
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Check out other lists, tallies and scores to settle in Bitter by Numbers.
