Seven Women You Sleep With in Law School

[Ed. Note 1: For today’s “The Best of the Bitter: 2009,” we’re revisiting the three most popular lists from 2009. Seven Women You Sleep With in Law School by PhilaLawyer was hilarious and obviously number one (his previous piece, Eight Billable Hour Scams, was hugely popular too).  In second place was Eight Real/Fake BigLaw Criteria, and third was Seven Signs of a D-Bag Lawyer.]

[Ed. Note 2: We are happy to welcome back our friend, the ever-vile, occasionally insightful PhilaLawyer.  His literary masterstroke, Happy Hour Is for Amateurs: Work Sucks, Life Doesn’t Have To, is being released in paperback October 13, which means the original hardback version was a publishing success.  Jealous?  We are.  You can order a pre-release copy on Amazon or look for it in bookstores soon.]

“One of the meaner realities you run into the first month of law school is the dating pool.  Like college, the place should provide all the opportunities you need.  I say should, of course, because in reality, law school is actually the photographic negative of college, an anti-beauty pageant in every regard.  And I’m not being sexist here.  In fact, the law school singles scene is probably a lot crueler to females than males.  A lazy woman looking for anything from a fuck buddy to Mr. Right is faced with endless varieties of Dustin Diamond, Beavis, Bobcat Goldthwait, and the guy who played the subway ghoul in Ghost.  Whatever your sex, living in this world your standards drop like an anchor.”

 

—Happy Hour Is for Amateurs

That’s how I saw the dating scene after my first month in law school.  It’s true.  The potential DNA mash-ups floating around a law school would bring most geneticists to teeth-chattering piss shivers.  Nevermind the towering collection of dysfunctions and malignant paranoias—the aesthetics alone raise compelling arguments for the forced sterilization of the profession.  But that description always seemed a bit incomplete, aimed solely at the male side of the class.

The good folks here at Bitter Lawyer and I have attempted to remedy that.  So, in the spirit of incisive analysis, crack reporting and, as always, crude and juvenile generalization, we analyzed the side we know in more detail: The Seven Types of Women You Sleep With in Law School.

________________________________

1.  MRS. ROBINSON

The older, second-career lawyer who’s somewhere between the high end of the “dirty thirties” and mid-forties.  She’s seen it all, done it all—without a hint of a stress hormones anywhere in her bloodstream.  This woman knows how to fuck and doesn’t want anything from you but an orgasm.

Upside: Never an awkward exit; she throws you out when she’s done.

Downside: You kind of want to stay.

5 GAVELS

________________________________

2.  THE LIBRARY JOCKEY

Lives in the tombs of the library, studying tirelessly.  Never goes to the bars, never goes to parties.  So how does she blow off steam?  By blowing you until you’re rawer than an Indian burn.  Just as the quiet mousy chick in your freshman dorm hall screamed, “In my ass… Yes… Oh, God… Harder!” and tested the stress rivets on her mattress when her hometown boyfriend visited, the Library Jockey’s a closeted sex fiend and full-on four-star deviant.

Bonus: You also get all of her outlines.

Downside: And genital warts.

4 GAVELS

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3. THE STATE POLICEWOMAN

Been pulled over by a female cop?  Then you get the analogy.  You’re walking the white line and tongue-kissing the breathalyzer, even if you’re three houses from your driveway.  No quarter, no mercy.  Only ice water bathing her nerves.  Her counterpart in the law school world is an equally obsessed, equally ruthless rule custodian.  Either by nature or overcompensation, she has a need to appear more coldly analytical and rational than any male around her.  She’s drawn to the rigid aspects law, following the black letter rules to their every picayune syllable.  Reads the actual casebooks, as opposed to the Emmanuel’s outlines. Writes all her briefs from scratch, actually knows how to Sheppardize. The Japanese Army had less deference to procedure and rote, mindless execution.

Not-Unexpected Upside: Closet BDSM freak.

Downside: You’re the gimp.

Unexpected Upside: You like it.

3 GAVELS

________________________________

4.  THE SOCIAL WORKER

Sixty percent of law students come looking for money. Twenty percent figure it beat playing Dungeons & Dragons and masturbating to MrSkin.com in their parents’ basements for the rest of their lives.  Fifteen percent picked their heads up from a bong senior year of college and were struck with the epiphany, “Shit… I need a career.” All are deluded, of course, but none as much as the type of woman you’ll find in that last five percent: The Social Worker.  She came to law school seeking to change the world.  And now she’s facing the cruel realization that if there’s one place this will never happen—somewhere terminally, absolutely constipated on a ceaseless diet of risk aversion, mental masturbation, pettiness, tradition for tradition’s sake and senseless worship of precedent—it’s Law.

Upside: She’s earthy and in touch with herself.

Bonus Upside: She let’s you watch.

Double Bonus Upside: Scores excellent dope.

Downside: Makes you smoke it with her at Phish shows.

3 GAVELS

________________________________

5.  THE HEAD CASE

She’s attractive, but a stress bag.  A walking, breathing car wreck.  Intelligent enough to be proficient, not quite smart enough to be calm.  Obsesses over every assignment or exam.  A nattering, nail-biting wreck.  Everyone she knows is her therapist, which is generally you more than any of the others.  Why?  Because the two of you got together after an exam, threw back a dozen vodkas and wound up screwing on her couch.

Downside: Perpetually in some form of dire crisis, and you have to save the day.

Bonus: The solution’s always sex.

2 GAVELS

________________________________

6.  THE STALKER

Sleep with her and you own her.  You’re stuck with her, just like breaking a piece of fine china in a store.  The quest for a man defines her existence.  Which is why she can never keep any.  One drunken fuck, and she’ll follow you like a predator drone.  Any time you’re talking to another female student, in the corner of your eye, barely in your plane of vision, she’ll be there, staring daggers into your spine like Sissie Spacek in Carrie.  “You’re mine, you understand that?” You can all but see her mouthing the words.

Dangerous Downside: Her self esteem’s so low she’ll stoop to any level to keep you.

(“We’re not exclusive.  You can’t show up at my place when I have a date over.”)

Hidden Upside: Her self esteem’s so low she’ll stoop to almost any level to keep you.

(“Unless you want to participate.”)

2 GAVELS

________________________________

7.  THE ‘MRS.’ CANDIDATE

She’s hot. And she has to be for what she’s seeking, which isn’t a JD. Daddy has a few bucks, enough to pay her way through grad school.  And McKinsey wasn’t interviewing any Interpretative Dance majors. She thought about medical school.  She thought about an MBA. Both required actual work. So she took a Kaplan course, pulled a decent score on the LSAT and here she is, looking for the “Mr.” to her “Mrs.” If you’re a half-decent-looking law student with a thimble’s worth of charm (otherwise known as one of the twelve normal guys in the class), you’re in the midst of her “no less than two karats” crosshairs.

Upside: She looks great naked.

Downside: She screws like a Real Doll.

Morning-After Downside: Her birth control pill caddie has an undisturbed wrapper around it.

Extra-Horrible Morning-After Downside: So does the condom in your wallet.

1 GAVEL

________________________________

My advice?  The same sage wisdom you’ve heard a million times before.  Never dip your pen in the company ink.  It’s not that you’ll screw up your future career.  That’d be a blessing in disguise.  It’s that you might screw up everything else.

The Philadelphia Lawyer lives outside Philadelphia with his family, including his non-lawyer wife.

Read other Bitter Lawyer posts by PhilaLawyer.

Check out other lists, tallies and scores to settle in Bitter by Numbers.

Join Bitter Lawyer on Facebook.  Follow on Twitter.

Buy Bitter Lawyer merchandise.

“One of the meaner realities you run into the first month of law school is the dating pool.  Like college, the place should provide all the opportunities you need.  I say should, of course, because in reality, law school is actually the photographic negative of college, an anti-beauty pageant in every regard.  And I’m not being sexist here.  In fact, the law school singles scene is probably a lot crueler to females than males.  A lazy woman looking for anything from a fuck buddy to Mr. Right is faced with endless varieties of Dustin Diamond, Beavis, Bobcat Goldthwait, and the guy who played the subway ghoul in Ghost.  Whatever your sex, living in this world your standards drop like an anchor.”

 

—Happy Hour Is for Amateurs

That’s how I saw the dating scene after my first month in law school.  It’s true.  The potential DNA mash-ups floating around a law school would bring most geneticists to teeth-chattering piss shivers.  Nevermind the towering collection of dysfunctions and malignant paranoias—the aesthetics alone raise compelling arguments for the forced sterilization of the profession.  But that description always seemed a bit incomplete, aimed solely at the male side of the class.

Read more from PhilaLawyer.

68 Comments

  1. Alma Federer

    October 1, 2009 at 2:20 am

    How fitting that you guys pidgeon-hole legal women like this.  Did it ever occur to you that quality women, like me, defy any type of categorization, and as a result, are still single 6 years after law school because we refuse to spread our legs for the pathetic bunch of male losers we find in law school?  Don’t you know that fat, pimply oafs that look like life-like morons from South Park aren’t good enough for any of the 7 types of women you’ve categorized above?  I can tell you, sirs, that sloppy jerks will get no where with me even though they think they deserve sex just because they have made it into law school.  Guess what, dummy, so did I.  I am not impressed that you can describe what fraud in the factum is.  It will not get you sex in the rectum, or anywhere else.  Law school men were always thinking women were looking at their packages, imagining getting their junk in my trunk.  Well it NEVER happened with anyone in my classes.  I did find some med school guys interesting, but they too didn’t make the cut in the end.  Right now, I will be happy if I can find a successful I-Banker who is interested in MARRYING me and helping me to get out of NYCity, where men are interested only in satisfying their sexual desires, and then turning us beautiful women in for another.  The issue in NYC is that there are so many beautiful women and so few good looking/successful men.  You must have both to play in my sandbox, and I have not been able to locate a guy who is smart, handsome and has money in the bank, and not shy about spending it on me.  I am sure some of the sad men on this site will bash me for my ideals and my scrupules, but so be it.  I will not just have sex for its own sake. It must be in a committed relationship leading to marriage.  That is my come-back to this sexist post.  Thank you.

  2. BL1Y

    October 1, 2009 at 3:04 am

    Alma wants to be committed relationship heading towards marriage before having sex with a guy.  I think she needs to read Catch 22.

  3. Alma Federer

    October 1, 2009 at 3:38 am

    BL1Y, I understand what you are saying (I saw the movie) but I am not like other women.  I have been told so many times that I am very beautiful, smart, and deserve the best life has to offer me.  Just yesterday, a very successful man told me that I am the prettiest girl he knows, and he lives in Manhattan where there are lots of pretty girls.  Also, my father said that he never knew that he had such great genes to get me.  There are alot of men that would do cartwheels to be able to have a chance with me, but they do not measure up.  I have been saving myself for Mr. Right, but have not found him yet.  But when I do, he will have really won the Lotto, believe me.  So even if you men attack me for my scrupules, I will keep to my standards, and not just have sex with men like trying out free samples at Ben & Jerry’s on a hot day, even though that stuff is cool and sweet.  If the right I-Banker is out there and interested in me, I am still here and awaiting your call.

  4. BL1Y

    October 1, 2009 at 3:50 am

    Compliments have more to do with people thinking you need to hear something nice than with the truth of the compliment.  If you’re receiving lots of compliments, it’s because people think you have little self-esteem, and your constant need to toot your own horn stinks of a lack of confidence.  A good looking person doesn’t have to tell anyone they’re good looking.  The thing speaks for itself.  Same goes with being intelligent, funny, personable, etc.

  5. KateLaw

    October 1, 2009 at 4:26 am

    Hmm, I guess I have to agree with Alma for once.  You can’t write a post pigeon-holing the females in law school like this.  It’s not that easy -people (male or female) cannot be categorized in such a simplistic way.  It’s weird because, as I was reading it, I actually tried to find which description fit me best -none of them, apparently.  I think law school is not the best place to find a relationship -there’s just so many weird guys (and girls).  However, I found the greatest success by dating no one in my actual class.  Older seemed to be better and minimize some of those awkward post-hookup situations (and, as we all know, those are never fun).  I respect Alma for her commitment to stay true to herself and her standards.  I think there is nothing wrong with wanting something like marriage and a partner who is smart, handsome and successful.  However, I think I’d advise that she be a little less selective and remove the restrictive requirement of I-Banker.  What about a writer or entrepreneur, etc.?  Men can meet all of your requirements and be in a number of different careers.  Being a bit more open-minded may increase the chances of finding your Mr. Right.

  6. Your Boss (in 2020)

    October 1, 2009 at 5:02 am

    My ex was a Mrs. Candidate (but not a law student)– looked great naked, had all my friends staring, etc.– and, sure enough, she was a terrible lay. PhilaLawyer, you know your stuff and I commend you for your insightfulness.

  7. Craig

    October 1, 2009 at 5:34 am

    I thought that was truly hysterical and dead on.  I mean, really funny.

  8. Craig

    October 1, 2009 at 5:39 am

    At this point, I am like 99% sure that Alma is really a “confused” 14 year old boy.  Nobody would ever write what she/he is writing seriously.  I mean, her shit is utterly ridiculous.

  9. BL1Y

    October 1, 2009 at 5:49 am

    Kate: I’m sure you don’t think you fit into one of these categories.  But yet the categories will ring true for the male readers who can probably think of a couple girls they know for each of the categories.  Any time you go for a drive you’ll find tons of idiot behind the wheel, but you’ll never find someone who claims they’re anything but a good, safe driver.

  10. BL1Y

    October 1, 2009 at 5:50 am

    I know real life women who are like this.  Alma is a bit hyperbolic, but not too far from the mark.

  11. Anon

    October 1, 2009 at 6:00 am

    Alma is a guy trying, without any success, to be funny.  Give it up, dude.  You ain’t funny.  You just ain’t.

  12. Leon

    October 1, 2009 at 6:08 am

    Alma, It’s Oct. 1, do you know where your junk is? A guy pretending to be a woman online isn’t much of a man.

  13. Villanova1L

    October 1, 2009 at 6:15 am

    What’s a Real Doll?

  14. BL1Y

    October 1, 2009 at 6:16 am

    Just search Google or Urban Dictionary.

  15. KateLaw

    October 1, 2009 at 6:17 am

    I guess I just meant that most girls can identify with some aspect of most of the categories, but do not fit perfectly in one general label.  I guess the one I could identify with the most is the Social Worker category, but replace Phish show with Widespread Panic.  Also, I may have been idealistic going into law school, but not nearly as naive as it describes.

  16. Villanova1L

    October 1, 2009 at 6:21 am

    So you can score me good weed, Kate?  The shwag I’m getting now school is shit.

  17. www.pinkshoelawyer.blogspot.com

    October 1, 2009 at 6:33 am

    you forgot the “I have a long distance mystery boyfriend but will screw when drunk” ice queen.  And the “whups, I couldn’t tell how big your butt was in the dark crowded bar” woman. 
    Well, at least the women don’t recite their resumes at you.  Because they’re smart enough to realize that the boys have the same crap down on paper.  Except substitute “field hockey” for “JV soccer.”
    I can’t wait to see the men’s list.

  18. KateLaw

    October 1, 2009 at 7:02 am

    Ha, I dont know about all that anymore… Yeah, the guys list will be funny.  What about those creepy facebook messager/random IMer guys who are too socially awkward to talk to you in person?  Or the “I didn’t drink in college” guys who get Hammered at all the law school functions and talk way too much and close thanks to their new-found liquid courage?

  19. BL1Y

    October 1, 2009 at 7:28 am

    Kate, here’s a guys list, just for you (and everyone else):  (1) Gunner who thinks speaking up and showing off his intellect will impress women; (2) Guy who thinks that showing how much he skip class, shirk the reading, get drunk, and in general slack off will impress women; (3) Guy who thinks becoming an animal-loving, vegan activist, militant feminist will impress women; (4) Guy who thinks having been a second string D2 athlete will impress women; (5) Guy who can play guitar or has some other stupid human trick that used to work in undergrad and thinks it will still impress women; (6) Guy with rich parents who thinks his money will impress women (and doesn’t understand the difference between getting a woman’s interest and actually impressing her); (7) Jewish guy who can do the math.

  20. Craig

    October 1, 2009 at 7:31 am

    Look at BL1Y standing up for his, “we can make fun of Jews too,” position he laid out earlier in the month.

  21. KateLaw

    October 1, 2009 at 7:36 am

    Pretty good list, BL1Y… You forgot: Frat guy who’s looking to maintain/gain social prestige (and impress females) by going to law school/becoming an attorney, and; Completely boring, unattractive and annoying guy who thinks he’s impressed a lady by going to law school when, in reality, this significantly more attractive, character-devoid female he’s somehow dating is just using him

  22. BL1Y

    October 1, 2009 at 7:39 am

    I didn’t think I was making fun of Jews.  I was just pointing out that Jewish culture tends to value intrasemetic marriage.

  23. Craig

    October 1, 2009 at 8:08 am

    Sorry for misunderstanding.  I didn’t realize you were just pointing out an undisputable fact.

  24. Hannah Palindrome

    October 1, 2009 at 9:53 am

    I’m #1!

    Mrs. Palindrome!
    Find him,F*** him, Get Out!

    Leave your notes on the way out…

  25. Norm

    October 1, 2009 at 1:09 pm

    Don’t all culture, religions, or just plain groups, place a high value on marrying within the group? Fundamentals people.

  26. vandy alum

    October 1, 2009 at 4:21 pm

    PL-

    You hit the nail right on the head. well done sir!

  27. Norm

    October 1, 2009 at 6:08 pm

    BL1Y, what the hell are you talking about? You really just sound like a bigot.

  28. Tree Frog

    October 1, 2009 at 7:50 pm

    You forgot to mention that the Head Case has a compulsive desire to screw you over by rumor after the end of the relationship to preempt you from doing anything of the kind. Even if you’d never do anything, they just assume that because they would, so would you.
    Man, I should have listened to the wise 3L who told me to play outside the school. At least I did get to enjoy the company of 1, 2 and 4 before Head Case soured me on intraschool hook-ups.

  29. IP Freely

    October 1, 2009 at 8:29 pm

    Haha… It’s funny because it’s true. Bonus points for annoying the self-righteous post-post-feminists who didn’t have a sense of humor to begin with. (Which begs the question: why are they reading BITTER LAWYER?)

  30. IP Freely

    October 1, 2009 at 8:39 pm

    FYI… Playing Guitar still works.

  31. Guano Dubango

    October 2, 2009 at 2:02 am

    My Aunt Ooona has been preventing me from having any kind of sexual relationship with USA law students.  Why cannot this be different?  She says because I am heir to the Dubango lineage and family fortune.  That is not something I tell any woman, because I want women to love me for me, not for my money and royal heritage.

  32. BL1Y

    October 2, 2009 at 2:37 am

  33. seasoned law prof

    October 2, 2009 at 4:10 am

    Anyone who knows anything about law school knows that the types of guys there are infinitely worse and more stereotypical than any of the females.  They all fit into one general category.  No matter how vile the guy may be, they always tend to have some deluded sense of awesomeness that no female counterpart could begin to fathom.

  34. Claire

    October 2, 2009 at 5:05 am

    Amen on the comment about guys.  Guys in law school, and firms, tend to have been the biggest dorks and tools in college.  They think this isn’t obvious to women in law school, but it is painfully clear.
    If they could pick up women or get a real career they wouldn’t be there.

  35. BL1Y

    October 2, 2009 at 5:29 am

    “If they could pick up women or get a real career they wouldn’t be there.” QFT.  We all know that most guys who go to law school and put up with big law bullshit are doing it because it increases their chances of getting a girlfriend (or at least they believe it does).  But why the hell are any women in the profession?  You get a few creature comforts from the paycheck, but they can’t possibly offset the huge loss in happiness that comes with the job.  Seriously, why would any woman become a lawyer?

  36. drlove

    October 2, 2009 at 5:43 am

    Does anyone think Alma is actually a man playing a woman on this site?

  37. Craig

    October 2, 2009 at 6:12 am

    Going to law school to get more women, or better quality women never even crossed my mind.  It had everything to do with the fact that I needed to do something after college, and going to law school seemed like a more attractive option at the time than try to find a job doing sales or something like that.

  38. Really?

    October 2, 2009 at 7:03 am

    Why does every law student limit their social opportunities to the pathetic universe of law school? While you may be well aware how little a JD promises, the majority of people have no clue. To the contrary, they may even find it admirable. So play the smart role. The double frontage with the view has no idea your 2.8 can’t get you a superior court clerkship anymore (as if that was anything to write home about anyway). Shut up, be humble, and thank American Express for the top shelf…

  39. BL1Y

    October 2, 2009 at 7:29 am

    And what made law school more attractive than sales?  The potential (whether actual or perceived) to get laid.

  40. KateLaw

    October 2, 2009 at 7:35 am

    Personally, I went to law school because, after working for a couple years in corporate America, I decided I wanted to postpone the real world a bit longer and get another degree that could help me jump a few ranks without having to miserably slave away.  Luckily, it worked out for me.  Alot of the girls I knew in law school came straight from undergrad with no real world life/work experience, high hopes, useless undergrad degrees, intelligence and an idealistic view of what being an attorney entailed.  Needless to say, alot of them are struggling currently.  Then again, so are alot of the guys.. whose motivations could pretty much be described the same way as the females.

  41. Craig

    October 2, 2009 at 7:36 am

    For me personally, it was the perceived ability to make more money.  I also have more personal connections in law, which directly relates to making more money.  I never saw law as a better way to get laid, but maybe that is just me.

  42. BL1Y

    October 2, 2009 at 9:18 am

    Craig: And what do you think was the driving force behind the desire to make more money?  There’s only really two reasons for a guy to want to make more money: to increase his standard of living or to get laid.  But, if you made half as much money in a more humane profession your standard of living would be much higher.  (1) A or B; (2) ~A.  I’ll let you reach the obvious conclusion.

  43. Magic Circle Jerk

    October 2, 2009 at 9:49 am

    Tree Frog- You should’ve listened, LS girls always pull that.
    Alma- you have to be schtick, there is no other way to rationally comprehend your comments

  44. Smarter Than the Law

    October 2, 2009 at 11:23 am

    Alma kind of sounds like she’s going to end up with a whole lot of cats.

    That’s not pigeon-holing. That’s just stating that she sounds insanely arrogant and unbearable. Which makes sense, I mean, she was a law student.
    Let’s call a spade a spade – most people in law school fit buckets. Male or female, they fit buckets, none all that pleasant.
    There are reasons I decided that my JD and bar admissions were completely useless and an MBA was a far better idea. Kids here are much more fun. Courses are more entertaining. And McKinsey is far more interesting than a law firm.

    Maybe it’s just that the guys in business school are better stock, but you find few girls like Alma and more girls just looking to enjoy their time here. Maybe that means sex. Maybe it just means board games and Guitar Hero. But they’re spending less time whining about guys being beneath them and more time enjoying life.

  45. Police

    October 2, 2009 at 12:09 pm

    Vote Alma off the island. Anyone second that motion?

  46. Villanova1L

    October 2, 2009 at 1:02 pm

    Why does the first version of Happy Hour is for Amateurs have a different title than the other?

  47. Smarter than the Law

    October 2, 2009 at 1:23 pm

    Interestingly, we had one of the Mrs. types in the class above me here at B-School. Only one that I noticed at least, but I’d imagine she was alone. Got a great job, one many would have died for, but has no intention of keeping it. She just wants to be a Mrs. I-Banker. She threw herself at any guy in the school that seemed to have that potential, sending not-so-subtle texts to guys despite them in some cases being married. She complained excessively at graduation that she only slept with one guy the whole time, in her final semester no less. He was gross and pretty unpopular for being a scumbag. But he drunkenly gave in to her, then texted about 30 people to explain how gross she was in bed. They forwarded the text. The whole school got it. She still slept with him a second time a month later. She was under the impression that making it known you’d sleep with a guy was the way to become his Mrs. I have no clue where that came from. She’s now in NYC, hunting bankers on match.com, complaining that the site is rigged with fake profiles because no one responds to her emails. She’s convinced she needs to be engaged this time 2010. I’m ashamed these girls exist. But they’re the rarity, as is the guy scummy enough to sleep with her, complain about it to everyone, then do it again. Overall the B-School people are genuine people. None of the animosity of law school. The decent people in law school were reclusive because we hated everyone around us. Nearly everyone in my B-School is decent. We run the school. A far cry from law school, where I avoided campus events that didn’t revolve around recruiting.

  48. Noneoftheabove

    October 3, 2009 at 8:00 am

    I love the assumption at the beginning of this article.  What woman with functioning eyeballs would sleep with any of the men in law school?  Please, oh, please.  Can I sleep with you?  Twenty two year old virgins are so hot!

  49. 2L Tool

    October 3, 2009 at 5:13 pm

    I do not want to “sleep” with any law school women.  A quick bang, yes, but no way I want to wake up and find them next to me in bed.  They are to nuerotic for me.

  50. Julian

    October 4, 2009 at 9:53 am

    Dear Alma,
    Thank you for your comeback. It made me laugh harder than the actual post.  That is hard to do.

    I’m not a lawyer, will never go to law school, and I won’t bother pointing out why you’re funny or attacking you.
    You seem incredibly personable, and based on how many times you brought it up, you certainly must be a knock out. Once the next bubble starts and successful I-Banker exist again, I hope you find one to play in your sandbox who is also interested in more than sex in the rectum.
    Thank you again for your post. please keep it up.

  51. NYC 1L

    October 5, 2009 at 1:07 pm

    Wait wait wait WAIT! You think an MBA requires “actual work” whereas a JD doesn’t?? I laughed for about 30 minutes at that…

  52. LawStudent

    October 7, 2009 at 7:49 pm

    Who the hell thinks that an MBA requires “actual work” where a JD doesn’t? Just because your head explodes from doing remedial math and reading vanilla business theories doesn’t really justify your “hard work.”

  53. Desi

    October 12, 2009 at 7:36 pm

    I entertained a few head cases in my day….

  54. NUTT

    October 27, 2009 at 5:37 pm

    Alma Federer sucks and is a D bag… this was a great read

  55. Anonymous

    November 1, 2009 at 11:49 am

    Coming from a girl’s perspective, Alma looks like she’ll fall in the “Mrs.” category…

  56. Anon

    November 11, 2009 at 10:43 am

    @55 That depends on whether she is actually hot.

  57. Nick

    November 11, 2009 at 12:30 pm

    @Alma: The people that speak the most about themselves expose their weaknesses. In your case you just proved the accuracy of this article. See Woman #7. Read it and weep and then tell us you’re different.

  58. Alma's Annyoing

    November 13, 2009 at 10:00 am

    Hey Alma….It looks to me like you have absolutely no sense of humor and that is more likely than not by the preponderance of the evidence the reason that you don’t have a man.  You can say all you want about how you’re great and you deserve better than you’ve found, but guess what? 
    If you have no sense of humor and are generally a huge pain in the ass like you seem to be, you will not find a man who wants to stay more than 5 minutes in your company. 
    Take yourself off your pedestal, take this article for what it is….satire…funny…whatever the F you want to call it, and if you don’t like it, go stare at a Georgia O’Keefe painting for a while and ponder…..
    I’ll say those guys who you say tried to get you but failed are thanking their lucky stars now b/c they probably found someone who has some degree of personality to go along with a decent sense of humor.  If you want to leave NYC, pack a suitcase and leave…what are you waiting for?

  59. Alma's Annyoing

    November 13, 2009 at 11:15 am

    Oh…and I almost forgot….guys love it when you say right up front that you’re a gold digger…Once again, Great Job Alma!!

  60. Stephen

    November 22, 2009 at 3:15 pm

    Spot. On.

  61. Anonymous

    December 1, 2009 at 7:11 am

    Alma: “How fitting that you guys pidgeon-hole legal women like this. Did it ever occur to you that quality women, like me, defy any type of categorization, and as a result, are still single 6 years after law school because we refuse to spread our legs for the pathetic bunch of male losers we find in law school? Don’t you know that fat, pimply oafs that look like life-like morons from South Park aren’t good enough for any of the 7 types of women you’ve categorized above? I can tell you, sirs, that sloppy jerks will get no where with me even though they think they deserve sex just because they have made it into law school. Guess what, dummy, so did I. I am not impressed that you can describe what fraud in the factum is. It will not get you sex in the rectum, or anywhere else. Law school men were always thinking women were looking at their packages, imagining getting their junk in my trunk. Well it NEVER happened with anyone in my classes. I did find some med school guys interesting, but they too didn’t make the cut in the end. Right now, I will be happy if I can find a successful I-Banker who is interested in MARRYING me and helping me to get out of NYCity, where men are interested only in satisfying their sexual desires, and then turning us beautiful women in for another. The issue in NYC is that there are so many beautiful women and so few good looking/successful men. You must have both to play in my sandbox, and I have not been able to locate a guy who is smart, handsome and has money in the bank, and not shy about spending it on me. I am sure some of the sad men on this site will bash me for my ideals and my scrupules, but so be it. I will not just have sex for its own sake. It must be in a committed relationship leading to marriage. That is my come-back to this sexist post. Thank you.”
    This is a little long.  Well done and funny, but a little long.  Shorten it and you will actually have a few people believe you are an actual person. 
    P.S.: Kudos on “rectum.” That was excellent.

  62. Joseph

    January 2, 2010 at 6:00 am

    As a male, I do not want to sleep with any of these types.  Where is the normal, fun loving type that likes to do outdoor things like biking, hiking, and tennis, and then, when she comes in, likes to screw like a rabbit?  That’s the type I want to sleep with.  Don’t such women exist in law school?  Please advise before I decide to spend the next 3 years of my life there!

  63. Gunners = Glorified Law Dorks

    June 8, 2010 at 5:52 am

    Dead-on. I was totally the head case my 1L year. Luckily, I figured it out, calmed the F*** down and managed to score one of the only 5 normal guys in the 3L class (who I’m still with).  Unfortunately, my whole class already knew I was the head case, so there was no coming back from that one. Damn.

  64. Travis Walken

    June 18, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    I knew a girl in law school who was literally a crack-whore, she was addicted to cocaine (and sold it to a lot of others at school) and slept with at least 10 guys in school despite having a longtime bf who did not attend the school. Towards the end of school when it became apparent that no one was getting jobs..she suddenly became interested in this fugly rich dude she had ignored for 3 years, the problem…she was already knocked up and he wasn’t having any of that..so she got rid of it..and now they live happily ever after. True story.

  65. Ellen B

    June 18, 2012 at 9:46 pm

    I have to much skrupule’s to go for a guy for his money. I want to get MARRIED and if I dont love the guy how can I get into bed every nite? FOOEY!

  66. Jill

    January 5, 2013 at 9:21 am

    this is hilarious! go alma!

  67. Luis

    June 4, 2013 at 5:56 pm

    men should bang the living bejesus out of women law students because once they are lawyers, their vajayjays are going to clam up tighter than a mother superior. Might as well get them while they are still young and pliable (and free from vagistank)!

  68. Fred

    October 2, 2013 at 11:00 am

    wtf does this have to do with law school? this guy is getting a book published? by whom, his cousin? terrible, unfunny article.

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