Six Ways for Men NOT to Get Sex in Law School

[Ed. Note: The following is again from Gianna Scatchell, the blogger behind LegallyNoted.com]

No matter what age you decide to go, law school dating behaviors are awkward.  The whole place reeks of dank sexual regression.  As I covered yesterday, for women, law school is like a three-year celibacy sentence.  For guys, they behave like it’s a life sentence—constantly bellyaching about their lack of time, their lack of “options,” their lack of money, their lack of chutzpa to stop bitching about it and get off the bench.

Aside from the guys with low standards who hook up with any and all of the three female pass-arounds (they’re in every class), if a law school man wants some sexy love, he’s gotta make himself worthy.  And as far as law school guys go, quite honestly, our standards aren’t that high—it’s merely about getting out of your own way. 

So here are gnarly characteristics male law students need to avoid if they want to quit making love to their torts book and actually score with a female, whether it be a fellow coed or a local yokel:

1.  BRAGGING HOW YOU’RE SOON GOING TO BE A LAWYER MAKING GOOD MONEY

If you’re trying to seduce a non-law student, STOP bragging about being in law school.  Even that innocent little filly on whom you’re laying it on thick at the bar knows there’s nothing is sexy about $120K in debt, a limited social life, and looking forward to something as tool-ish as law school prom.  It doesn’t make you resonate as a future cash cow.

2.  DROPPING THE LAW

For the love of God, Allah, Dalai Lama, DO NOT talk about the law when conversating with the fairer sex.  Even a fellow law student would much prefer hearing you talk about your postmature admiration for Phish than suffer gladly your attempt at flirting about intentional torts.  (Unless, God forbid, you’re Mr. Law School.  Hubba, hubba.) Talking about the fee tail = no tail.  And you actually receive negative points for bringing up the string of cases that charge someone with tort liability if they knowingly infect someone with an STD.

3. EXPOSING YOUR SUPERIORITY COMPLEX

Talking about (and loving yourself) ad nauseam has got to stop.  It’s a known fact that lawyers love to hear themselves speak.  But you’re a law student.  You may pretend to be doing all kinds of mad advocating at your summer firm, but we know the truth: You’re a photocopying guru.  Paper jam?  The attorneys come to you instead of waiting for a tech.  So stop being a self-important attention whore and at least pretend to be interested in the fact that the girl you’re boring to death has a mouth too.  That likes to say things.  And be heard.

4.  BEING ANNOYINGLY INSECURE ABOUT BEING POOR

You lack finances.  It’s pretty much a given that if you’re a law student, you’re probably living off student loans (or your parents).  Rule number one: Don’t mooch, you cheap bastard.  Rule two: Stop sounding obsessed with dollars.  Nothing says, “Lets get it on!” like listening to you bemoan how you got no flow.  Even worse: Pretending like you’ve got cheddar when you don’t.  That Mazda ain’t fooling any of us ladies into believing you’re Mr. Independently Wealthy Law Student Guy. 

5. DRY HUMPING DANCING

You went to law school because you didn’t have any impressive physical ability, so don’t pull out your lawn mower, cabbage patch, shopping cart, sprinkler, Carleton, running man or Roger Rabbit moves.  If you’re with your wingman, resist the urge to be A Night at the Roxbury and play pelvic thrust ping-pong.  Please spare us the embarrassment and disappointment of realizing, at that moment, that we’re not going to sleep with you.

6.  WAXING POLITICAL

Politics.  The economy.  Catastrophes.  Things that don’t turn us on unless we’re Campbell Brown.  People tend to go out and socialize as a form of escapism—not to be biased-ly informed about the social maladies of the world.  You’re cock blocking yourself when you talk about Obama’s nemesis in the Senate.  If you’re finding yourself scratching your head for something to say, try something simple.  “You want a drink?” “How ’bout them Cubs?” Both solid options.

Read “Ten Ways for Women NOT to Get Sex in Law School.”

Check out other lists, tallies and scores to settle in Bitter by Numbers.

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Read more from Gianna Scatchell.

13 Comments

  1. Bitter Overseas

    March 3, 2010 at 7:03 am

    Only 6 ways? There are like thousands. And apparently it’s cool for a dude to have the rainbow highlighter thing, so that’s good.

  2. Alma Federer

    March 3, 2010 at 8:01 am

    Be the way you are and we Women will simply deny you sex.  We do not take kindly to men who want to have quickies.  We want marriage and family.

  3. Craig

    March 3, 2010 at 8:52 am

    Stick to writing on your own blog.  You had 16 different categories for both sexes now, and you really didn’t nail any of them.  And none of the categories were that law school unique, save for the highlighter one.  None of the categories were really categories to be honest, just the basic stuff for men and women.  Women, don’t talk about kids or marriage and don’t get fat.  Men, you are already fat, and don’t rant about your job and/or money.  Revolutionary stuff here.

  4. Anon22

    March 3, 2010 at 8:59 am

    # 6 Good Point!

  5. KateLaw

    March 3, 2010 at 9:01 am

    My number one was don’t be a gunner.  Gunners don’t get laid by anyone remotely attractive.  There was only one exception in my class & that was b/c this mole-like poor excuse of a man had a for-real mail order bride.

  6. Guano Dubango

    March 3, 2010 at 10:42 am

    I have had great difficulty finding a woman in the USA who is interested in having just sex with me.  Even though I am considered a catch in Ghana, women are not impressed with my LLM degree.  Some of them do not believe we have valid law schools in Accra (WE HAVE 2).  So I now am just trying to find a relationship.  Hopefully women will like me because I am honest, have a job, and am a member of the NY Bar, in good standing.  I have always have had difficulty, even with the native women here, as they too do not think I am one of them.  If only someone could tell me what the secret of getting a woman is.  However, not any woman, she must be a law beauty.

  7. Bitter Overseas

    March 3, 2010 at 11:00 am

    Ok, I’ll bite, slow day anyway:
    Hey Guano, how can sell us such a sob story on difficult it is to hook up, in another post of yours (which was funny) you gave us a tally of 32 women since coming to America? What gives?

  8. Evil Lawyer

    March 3, 2010 at 11:04 am

    These generic pieces of advice aren’t all that helpful, except to clueless men that tote their Property Book to a bar and amke unfunny remarks about “Blackacre,” “headacre” etc.  Men often seek out other law students as partners, because time pressures and proximity make them more desireable than kittenish undergrads that want to party till 5 and skip class.  Men need practical advice like: will a second year woman sleep with a classmate she’d normally never notice if he’s confident and has an offer from Cravath?  If a man is on law review or moot court and has a key to a semi private office, does that increase the chance of him getting laid?  Will offering to tutor some lost waif increase his chances?  Do women from the NE prefer men from out west or vice versa? What can a man say to a 1L to increase his chances (assuming he has “fungible male law student “ looks)?  If he can’t make it in ihs law class or does not want to, what group of women are most likely to find him attractive?  Some women like Alma will consider this offputting, but its simple common sense. A man trying to get thru law school without going crazy from lack of intimacy.

  9. Guano Dubango

    March 3, 2010 at 11:27 am

    I have been in the United States since January 5, 2002, and this is many days (over 2500 days or more).  Having sex with 32 women, some one night stands, is not a lot of action for a virile lion like me, who would have sex every nite in Ghana while a law student.  The women I think just wanted to sample me for my apparatus, which I believe they enjoyed.  But once the novelty was off, they went back to their own routines.  I think I was used by most of them, who just wanted to chalke me up as having had sex with a native of Ghana.  I cannot complain because I did get sex, just not alot of repeat business.

  10. Anonymous

    March 3, 2010 at 12:00 pm

    Guano, how long is your green card good for.  Maybe you will be back home and give all those women your charm and sex.

  11. BL1Y

    March 3, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    Law men just need to learn to look elsewhere than law school to find women.  Law women, like all women, want to date “up.” If you’re their classmate, they’re going to view you as, at best, an equal, and those you’re already out of the running.  They’ll turn to the business school kids, junior associates, or the few law students who have the same last name as a law firm or lecture hall.

  12. LawStudent1

    March 3, 2010 at 4:06 pm

    None of this was helpful whatsoever. Thanks….

  13. Bill Dugan

    March 3, 2010 at 4:50 pm

    It really is quite simple, and not limited to law students.  Men law students like to blow off steam, and that means banging women.  Law student women are available and therefore are the challenge.  Unfortunately, law student women are either stuck up, butt ugly, or both, and don’t want to be banged by the guys.  Besides, the guys prefer younger, fresher meat, though they will take whatever will spread eagle for them.  Why is this news?  I suggest you watch Animal House, and you will see what I am talking about.

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