It’s that time again. Time to reach deep into the Bitter Vault and see what we can dig out.
The timing on this one couldn’t be better. For the young’ens out there, it is a good history lesson on Robert Kardashian, Rob Jr.’s old man. Robert Sr. was O.J. Simpson’s friend and garment bag monkey and who sat at O.J.’s side throughout his botched (unless you’re O.J.) trial. Of course, Rob Jr. is in the news for falsely tweeting that he was heading off to law school this fall.
If you work long enough in a large law office setting, you tend to notice certain types of legal assistants who make you crazy with their worthlessness. While we at Bitter Lawyer know a good legal assistant is worth her weight in gold—and that a paralegal’s memory is long—you sometimes end up with dead weight. Like these five types of “legal assistants” who bring little to the table other than occasionally answering the phone and putting the mail in your chair.
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Big firm lawyers spend years training to be precise with their language. Partners reinforce that message by providing new associates with illegible markups of draft briefs or merger agreements and regaling them with stories of misplaced commas that cost clients katrillions of dollars.
So you can imagine my confusion when I started my career in BigLaw and discovered the huge gap in meaning between what people say and what people think. Even the most basic and routine interactions take on a form of their own when they occur in a law firm. Take the frequent example of two associates having a chance encounter in the elevator. The conversation is broken down to reflect the differences between the spoken word and its true meaning.
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On my last day as a BigLaw attorney, I sent a firm-wide farewell email. It read: “Today is my last day. It has been an honor to work with such an amazing and diverse group of people. Thank you to everyone who has made my time here so enjoyable. Please be in touch.
What I really meant was:
Today is my last day here. I’d like to specially thank the following people who have helped make my time here so memorable.
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QI’m a 2L at a pretty good second-tier school in the New York area. I’m in the top half of my class and do very well in moot court and trial skills. I’m hoping my New York connections will help in finding a job at a big New York firm. What do you think are my chances of getting a job at a New York firm like Wachtell or White and Case? Honestly.
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After almost five years of epic BigLaw drudgery and misery, I finally decided it was time to choose lifestyle over status and pay. In other words, I joined a small firm, a/k/a “a litigation boutique.” Trouble is, I’m realizing that my decision was completely flawed because it was based on the faulty assumption that the small firm I was joining would offer me something positive in exchange for each trade-off. Unfortunately, almost a year has passed, and I now realize that there’s been nothing but negatives. Lest any other BigLaw mid-level associate fall for the same foolishness, I’ve compiled a list of the things I hate about small firm practice:
Here are your headlines from the Bitter Newsroom, where we bounce back!
Why Lawyer Pay Will Shrink: Reverse auctions are driving Biglaw rates down as large firms anonymously submit quotes for a jobs posted by major companies. With the increased number of lawyers being dumped into the market graduating each year, it seems like this may be a trend with legs. Whoops, forgot to say something funny—so here’s a funny video.
Sleep is for Closers: Law firms in London are setting up Japanese capsule hotel-style rooms for their sleep-deprived attorneys. Along with the high paychecks, many magic circle attorneys find themselves going for days without sleep when trying to close a deal. Such accommodations might work well at certain US law firms, allowing first year associates to save money on renting a place they’ll never see.
Many big firms today take pride from employing well-rounded associates who can fit in at the opera just as easily as at the theatre. But outside of the traditional activities of a highly-paid professional, what are good hobbies for big firm associates? What should they do to burn off the extra half-hour at the end of the week? Competitive eating and reality television show appearances are now passe. Luckily, at Big Legal Brain Analytics, we’ve studied the hobbying habits of law firm associates and have compiled the top five acceptable hobbies for big firm associates.
