BigLaw

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I Had a Bad Review

by Ex-Bitter on August 11, 2008 in Columns

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QJust had my review. I’m a second year associate at a Big New York Firm. Partner told me I was “performing adequately.” Also told me, I need to “think more robustly and apply more common sense and diligence to the task at hand.” Translation please?

AYou will be fired in exactly six months. No doubt. In fact, there’s a 50% chance the letter’s already been written. They’re just laying a record to avoid potential litigation. From this day forward, spend every minute of every day looking for a new job.

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Post image for BREAKING: Associates Like Money

In a startling piece of investigative journalism, the ABA Journal is reporting that associates who get paid the most are apparently the happiest with their compensation. The article explains that, according to a recent survey, “midlevel associates are most satisfied with their compensation at Wachtell, Lipton, Rosen & Katz, which paid huge bonuses last winter ranging from $175,000 to $215,000. That compares to median New York bonuses of $55,000 to $80,000.”

The article also busts wide open that well-guarded law-school secret that “interviewing students have little information to distinguish law firms and rely on compensation as a guide.” The madness doesn’t end with law school, apparently. “As associates became dissatisfied with the grind of law firm life,” the article reports, “bonuses or small differences in salary take on an outsize psychological importance.” And we thought they were just in it for the love of the game. Go figure. [ABA Journal]

Photo by Rob Lee

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Post image for Earthquakes Are for Pussies

Submitted by “anon_in_LA”:

A little context: I work in a huge firm in downtown LA but am from the Northeast. We have blizzards, maybe the occasional hurricane, but that’s about it. No brush fires. No mudslides. No earthquakes.

From 8.30 a.m. on this morning, I was the designated first-year note-taking bitch on a horrible, long-ass page-through of the latest rounds of docs for this private equity deal my firm’s dealing with for this investment fund client. The partner on the deal—not a bad guy, but a total robot who has stacks of deal toys lining his office shelves, and not one picture of his wife or kids—made me take the call from his office. (Already a disaster, since I couldn’t even mute the phone and just look at the Internet while everyone else droned on about crap that I can barely understand.) A couple hours into the call, I’m trying to stay awake by focusing on things the partner has on his desk when the desk starts shaking. Along with everything else in the building. And the city.

So this is my first real earthquake and it’s pretty intense, at least for someone from the east coast.  Our firm is 30 floors up and after shaking and knocking things off shelves, the building keeps swaying and people are running into the hallways, pretty much freaking out. Everyone except the partner. Who doesn’t skip a fucking beat. Doesn’t even make eye contact with me.

I’m clearly freaking out and go to stand up, wondering if I should go in a doorway or call my mom or something.  But the partner, still without pausing the call, just shoots me a look like I am the biggest loser whiner in the world for being concerned about a little building shaking. He grimaces and motions for me to close the door, clearly annoyed with the noise from all those people milling about in the hallway going on and on about, oh, the fucking 5.8 earthquake that just happened.

So, I sit back down. About 10 minutes later, I’m actually motion sick, and one of the NY bankers pauses the call and interrupts my partner, telling us she just heard there was an earthquake in LA and is everything OK? Like the robot sycophant that he is, my partner starts laughing and grinning—and BTW, why the grin? It’s not like they can see your ass-kissing face over the phone, douchebag—and says something like “Ha, yes, ma’am. Looks that way.” And then he dropped the subject.

Almost four hours—and a blackberry full of emails and voicemails from friends and family on the east coast later—I finally got to call my mom and tell her I was OK.

Report your tales of Associate Abuse.

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Shut Up and Drink

by Bitter Newsroom on July 27, 2008 in News

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True or false: Being a summer associate at a Big Firm is sort of like being an aspiring actress who comes to Hollywood and suddenly finds herself forced into a life of gonzo porn and crystal meth by a big-time agent who threatened to ruin her life if she didn’t do what he said.

If a recent spate of alarmist reports floating around the legal blogosphere is any indication, the answer appears to be “true.”

Leading the pack of the whining reactionaries is Lauren Stiller Rikleen’s recent report in the National Law Journal, which offers a self-proclaimed “sobering look at a long-standing culture” of summer associate programs.

The report details certain atrocities that summer associates in Big Firms nationwide have endured in the recent past. One student recounted, for example, the horror that “Everything is free. The atmosphere is higher class than anything we are used to, and the pressure to attend every event, including the after-parties, is significant.” Even worse, Ms. Rikleen reports that “summers who refrain from participating…are tagged as ‘not being fun.’”

Offering a solution to end all this unnecessary suffering, Ms. Rikleen suggests that Big Firms simply “cease funding the after-event partying,” explaining that “firms that foster career-building skills over drinking skills are sure to have an advantage” in recruiting future associates.

While one can be certain that Ms. Rikleen has no doubt brought her expertise in sensitivity training and peer counseling courses to her conclusions, the question still remains whether she’s ever worked in a Big Firm—or any job that involves interacting with other people. Because we hate to break it to you, lady, but a key “career building skill” is learning how to navigate awkward social situations at work without having a breakdown over it.

Here’s the thing that summers need to realize: You know that clique of actual associates who go to all the summer associate events? The ones who get loaded and spend the next day IM’ing all the summers about it? The ones who’ll tag you as “not being fun” if you don’t do the same? Big Firms have a name for them: losers. There’s a reason they have so much time on their hands to go hang out with a bunch of law students.  No one cares what they think, and neither should you.

(And if you’re not buying it, go find the associates working on the biggest deals and most high-profile cases at your firm and ask them how many summer associate events they’ve attended so far this year. When the number tops zero, let us know.)

So, summers everywhere, just calm down. You’re getting paid like a grown-up, so buck up, act like one and realize that sometimes—even when you don’t feel like it!—you may have to show your face at a lame firm-sponsored party. And sometimes, yes, there will be drunk douchebags there who may make you feel awkward.  So hang out for a bit, then bail. Have a drink. Or don’t. No one really cares.  Not anyone that matters, anyway.

Got a Bitter Rant of your own?  Email it to .

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Post image for The Cravath System at Work

Former Cravath superlawyer and convicted sex perv James Colliton is now suing American Express for millions of dollars for revealing his location to authorities in 2006 while he was hiding and on the run from charges that he paid a woman to have sex with her 13- and 15-year-old daughters. In his suit, the so-called “Lolita Lawyer” claims that Canadian authorities would never have “falsely arrested” or “unlawfully detained” him if American Express hadn’t revealed that he had used his credit card to check into a hotel in Ontario.

In his own defense, the former associate at the world’s most prestigious law firm explained that he “wasn’t running from the law” and had traveled to Canada “only to attend some harness races,” pointing out that “you’re not a fugitive if you sign into a major chain hotel using your driver’s license and your American Express card.”

While Colliton’s reasoning has yet to win over the authorities, legal analysts have been quick to note that you’ve really gotta hand it to the training at Cravath. Here we have a publicly reviled fugitive, nailed dead to rights on both rape and prostitution-related charges, who thinks nothing of checking into a hotel with his own Amex card while he’s on the lam, and then turns around and sues Amex when they help police catch him. Clearly a man trained outside the esteemed Cravath System wouldn’t have had the legal chutzpah to go that extra mile. If he weren’t such a repugnant, delusional pervert cretin, we’d almost have to tip our hat to him. [NY Daily News]

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Post image for My (Former) Best Friend’s Wedding

I was in the middle of a merger deal, working 80 hours a week, for about two months. For weeks, I’d been telling the partner, I was best man in an upcoming wedding and I couldn’t work Saturday the 5th.  He assured me that I’d be fine.  “For God’s sake, what kind of monster do you think I am?”

The Thursday before the actual wedding weekend, I reminded him yet again I wouldn’t be able to work Friday or Saturday night. Once again, he assured me that would not be a problem—though I did note the change in his words. It went from “of course” to “not a problem.” The next day, around 4 PM, I emailed him to say I was leaving for the weekend. His electronic response: “What do you mean “leaving?”
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