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Nevada Judge Puts OJ in the Can

by Bitter Newsroom on December 5, 2008 in News

Disgraced football star Orenthal James Simpson said that he was “stupid and sorry,” but that excuse didn’t wash with Clark County District Court Judge Jackie Glass, who sentenced Simpson to a minimum of 15 years in prison for charges stemming from a 2007 confrontation in a Las Vegas hotel room.

A jury found Simpson guilty of armed robbery, kidnapping and assault earlier this year after he and co-defendant C.J. Stewart made an armed bid to retrieve sports memorabilia Simpson claimed belonged to him.

Judge Glass, who called the evidence against Simpson “overwhelming,” said she began the case wondering if the former football legend was arrogant or ignorant. In sentencing Simpson, Glass concluded that he was both. Glass also made clear that although many onlookers had strong feelings about Simpson’s 1995 acquittal for the murder of his ex-wife and Ronald Goldman, that case had no bearing on her sentencing determination.

There is no word yet on whether or not Simpson plans to appeal. But should he try to challenge his conviction, Glass made clear that he would not remain free on bond during that process. [ABC News]

[Check out OJ Simpson Trial: Where Are They Now? for a look current at the top 10 participants from OJ’s 1995 murder trial.]

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Nine Bitter Details on Eliot Spitzer

by Michael Estrin on November 22, 2008 in Columns

Nine Bitter Details on Eliot Spitzer:

We thought we had heard the last of Eliot Spitzer earlier this month when departing U.S. Attorney Michael J. Garcia told The New York Times why he declined to bring charges against the former New York governor in the infamous prostitution case. But then Ashley Dupré, the girl who allegedly had an encounter with Client 9, broke her silence, telling 20/20 and People Magazine that she’s a “normal girl.”

We’ll let the “normal girl” claim slide since we don’t have any actual knowledge of high-class prostitutes here (we swear). But we do know quite a bit about lawyers, and Spitzer was no ordinary lawyer, which is why we put together Client 9’s most bitter details.

1. Client 9 was a BigLaw veteran

Having spent two years at Paul, Weiss, Rifkind, Wharton & Garrison after earning his JD from Harvard Law, he also spent two years at Skadden after working for the Manhattan DA’s office. And that’s quite a bio, but we’d probably file the sex scandal thing under “community outreach” in the activities/hobbies section of Spitzer’s new resume.

2. Client 9 is wicked smart

He reportedly scored a perfect 180 on his LSAT and 1590 (out of 1600) on his SAT. Nobody’s perfect all the time.

3. Client 9 worked on Claus von Bulow’s appeal

While attending Harvard Law School, Client 9 was one of several students who worked for Professor Alan Dershowitz on Claus von Bulow’s appeal. Von Bulow’s conviction for attempting to murder his socialite wife was overturned, and Dershowitz later told Time Magazine that Spitzer “always wants to do what’s right.” Talk about a reversal of fortune.

4. Client 9 helped end the Gambino crime family

The Gambinos lost their stranglehold on New York City’s garment and trucking industries. How did he get the evidence he needed after numerous attempts at planting wire taps were snuffed out? Spitzer came up with the idea of opening a sweatshop and letting the mob come to him. Unfortunately, the investigation took longer than expected, which put the Manhattan DA’s office in the awkward position of running an unprofitable sweatshop for several months. Good thing Spitzer wasn’t trying to take down a mob prostitution ring. That investigation may never have ended.

5. Ashley Dupré says she didn’t know that Client 9 was NY Gov. Eliot Spitzer

What Dupré did know about Spitzer was that he was “polite” and “strictly business.” Way to keep it classy, Spitz.

6. There are several Facebook groups that pay tribute to Client 9

Such group include “Elliot Spitzer can be my Pimp,” “C’mon Spitzer, keep it in your pants!” and “Prostitutes for Governor Eliot Spitzer.” And just because your law career went down in flames doesn’t mean we won’t accept your Facebook request to join our group, Eliot. Don’t be a stranger.

7. Client 9 used the alias George Fox

Spitzer was George Fox when he checked into room 871 of the Mayflower Hotel in Washington, DC. But that wasn’t the first (and probably not the last) sex scandal to take place at the Mayflower. It played host to Monica Lewinsky when her affair with President Bill Clinton was making headlines. So, um. Maybe the DC vice squad should setup a permanent stakeout at the Mayflower. Just an idea.

8. Client 9 wasn’t the only high-profile man caught in the Emperor’s Club sex ring

Britain’s Duke of Westminster was alleged to be Client 6. But since when are the Brits allowed to screw around in the U.S.? Doesn’t anyone respect the Monroe Doctrine anymore?

9. According to reports, Client 9 spent up to $80,000 on prostitutes

But those same reports also point out that the prostitutes made as much as $31,000 per day. It looks like BigLaw salaries and bonus have nothing on the Emperor’s Club compensation plan.

Check out other lists, tallies and scores to settle in Bitter by Numbers.

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Time To Get a Research Assistant

by Bitter Newsroom on September 4, 2008 in News

Reports out of California have confirmed that a former Catholic priest and San Francisco radio talk show host, Bernie Ward, was sentenced to more than seven years in prison late last week for distributing child pornography after dozens of pornographic images of kids as young as three were found on his home computer. Ward, a father of four, was fired from his nightly radio show when the indictment was made public in December.

Ward’s attorney, Doron Weinberg, has argued for a lower sentence for his client, citing Ward’s “volunteer work” and the “numerous letters of support” he received after pleading guilty. So how, then, you may ask, does such an upstanding servant of the community come to have a computer full of kiddie porn? According to his lawyer, “Ward downloaded the child porn for journalistic research.”

Of course. And we can only assume his book, How to Get Ass-Raped in Prison in 6 Easy Steps, will be hitting the shelves at Barnes & Noble any day now. [CNN]

Your Panties Are Safe Again

by Bitter Newsroom on August 30, 2008 in News

Police in Wisconsin are reporting that a man who broke into several women’s homes and made off with their underwear was charged last week with five counts of felony burglary. The man, Christopher Sullivan, allegedly broke into the women’s residences, stole some bras and panties, and then, as The Smoking Gun reports, he would later “superimpose the women’s images onto pictures taken from pornographic magazines and mail them to the women along with other creepy pictures that used Barbie dolls as props.”

After searching his home, police recovered at least three headless Barbie dolls with metal rods through their knees, along with a handwritten confession admitting “Recently I sent some threatening letters to; did damage to some property; and stole from some people that made me angry and frustrated.”

When asked why he would do such things, Sullivan responded that one of his victims, his upstairs neighbor, apparently “had very loud sex,” which “angered” him—and another had “caught his attention” while riding a lawnmower in a bikini. He also told police that while he would indeed classify himself as a “sexual predator,” his religion prevented him from crossing the line into raping or murdering because that would be a “grave sin.”

When reached for comment, Sullivan refused to elaborate on what religion that is, exactly, but rumor has it that David Duchovny has recently requested information on its requirements for membership. [The Smoking Gun]

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We Just Hope It Wasn’t a Water Bra

by Bitter Newsroom on August 29, 2008 in News

A 26-year-old Arizona man was arrested this week on suspicion of criminal damage after he tore up his wife’s new bra during an argument involving his visiting in-laws. According to police reports, Salazar called the police to his home to settle a verbal dispute with his wife’s family about the fact that he wanted them to leave and his wife didn’t. After the police arrived, however, Salazar promptly “announced he was angry, went upstairs and tore up his wife’s new bra valued at $28.” He then apparently called his wife upstairs to show her the bra in pieces.

Attempts to reach Mrs. Salazar for comment were unsuccessful, although anonymous sources have confirmed that she now totally suspects that it was Carlos, and not, as he had originally claimed, “the dog,” who chewed off the “Ju,” “o” and “e” from the ass panel her favorite Juicy Couture velour tracksuit the last time her parents were in town. [Arizona Republic]

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Enzyte: Long Answer to a Short Question

by Bitter Newsroom on August 28, 2008 in News

The founder of male sexual enhancement product Enzyte, which reportedly used ads featuring “Smiling Bob,” the world’s happiest and most confident man, has led to a whopping jail sentence for the founder of Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals.

A judge sentenced the defendant, Steve Warshak, to 25 years in prison after he was convicted in February on 93 counts of conspiracy, fraud and money laundering. Federal prosecutors claim the company bilked customers out of $100 million through a series of deceptive ads, manipulated credit card transactions and refusal to accept returns or cancel orders. Judge Spiegel ordered the company, along with other defendants, to forfeit more than $500 million–a figure based on how much Warshak and the company took in.

“Steven Warshak preyed on perceived sexual inadequacies of customers.” Spiegel said one aspect of the fraud relied on the reluctance of customers to come forward, which would mean admitting they ordered the sexual enhancement pills.

Prosecutors contend, however, that the most compelling aspect of the case is the unequivocal validation of the age-old maxim: Size matters. “The best part of this case is that we can finally put to bed the notion that men don’t care about penis size,” says Richard Johsnon, General Counsel for Size Matters, Inc., a national nonprofit thinktank dedicated to proving that the actual size of a man’s genitals is indeed a primary component of his self-confidence and ability to satisfy a sex partner. Representatives for It’s Not The Size Of The Boat, It’s the Motion Of The Ocean Council, its primary competitor, did not return Bitter Lawyer’s repeated requests for comment. [WSJ Law Blog]

You Get What You Pay For

by Bitter Newsroom on August 27, 2008 in News

Negotiation skills come less readily to some, as reports out of Florida are confirming. Police in Bonita Springs have reported that a man, Fausino Diaz Hernandez, 46, was arrested last week after offering a female undercover cop who was posing as a prostitute two pennies for sex.

Lest you think Hernandez wasn’t willing to let her go without a fight, a spokesperson for the police has added that he “offered the undercover deputy other things as well, including cigarette lighters and a bicycle.” We know what you’re thinking—what hooker doesn’t love a free bicycle?—but the tactic apparently backfired and Hernandez was arrested, along with 10 other men, in the undercover sting.

Now, before you judge ol’ Fausino’s bargaining abilities, you have to admit: It takes someone special to make this guy look like a high roller. That’s gotta count for at least a little something. [WFTV.com]

Ready, Aim, Grow Up

by Bitter Newsroom on August 25, 2008 in News

A word of caution to those of you packing water guns: Watch out. According to reports out of New York, a woman, Cassandra Wu, was arrested and taken into custody this weekend after splashing bottled water on a participant in a “massive water gun fight” in New York’s Union Square. The NY Daily News has reported that Wu, an Australian tourist in town to celebrate her 30th birthday, “picked a bad moment to playfully toss water onto one of the fighters,” just as the cops were shutting down the fight because it apparently lacked proper permits from the parks department.

“I can’t believe this is happening,” said a handcuffed Wu, crying on the steps of Union Square. It remains unclear what charges, if any, she will face.

While we’re far from experts on the ins and outs of New York’s parks and recreation laws—and we admit that it takes a certain kind of adult to engage in public water gun play—since when does the state have to sanction water fights? What, are you supposed to apply for a water gun permit in case you’re suddenly overtaken by an urge to irritate everyone around you with an aspirationally ironic display of hipster whimsy? Hm. You know, actually, the more we think about it, maybe a permit’s not such a bad idea. [NY Daily News]

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Does This Doorway Make Me Look Fat?

by Bitter Newsroom on August 23, 2008 in News

Recent reports out of Texas are confirming that weighing almost half a ton may in fact have an upside. Well, sort of. Above the Law is reporting that prosecutors in Texas just can’t figure out how to incarcerate a woman so enormous that she can’t fit in the local jail.

Mayra Lizbeth Rosales, 27, who clocks in at nearly 1,000 pounds, has been indicted on one count of first-degree murder for allegedly striking her 2-year-old nephew, resulting in his death. Problem is, prosecutors apparently can’t figure out how to “jail and bring to court a nearly half-ton, bedridden woman,” explaining that Rosales “cannot fit through a door to leave her home.” The county sheriff’s office confirmed the quandary, explaining that holding Rosales at the county jail for her trial would be impossible because she needs extensive medical care. “She would die,” a representative from the sheriff’s office noted.

Hm. That does indeed seem to pose a problem. Although, really, does it really matter whether she’s in jail? When you can’t even manage to fit through the door of your own house, chances are you’re not exactly a flight risk. [Above the Law and CNN]

Craig Robinson: Office Party

by Bitter Newsroom on August 18, 2008 in News

Craig Robinson, 36, who plays Darryl the warehouse foreman on The Office, is facing felony drug charges, stemming from an arrest during a June traffic stop. According to the criminal complaint, the actor was charged with two counts of possession of a controlled substance. The “substance” allegedly was amphetamines, cocaine and marijuana.

Though Robinson’s rep had no comment, his employer at Dunder Mifflin stated that Darryl can no longer suffer the annoying banter, smug witticisms and knowing smiles between madly-in-love co-workers, Jim and Pam. “He just needs to get high to deal with all that cuteness,” Scott said. “It’s not a big deal. And I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with him being black.” [E Online]