Local media is reporting that a woman in Poulsbo, Washington has been jailed after allegedly “beating up her fiancé at their prenuptial party.” Without elucidating what exactly a prenup party is, officials from the county sheriff’s department explained that the woman’s 12-year-old son told her “he saw her fiancé kissing one of her women friends early [that] morning,” at which point the woman “gave her friends the boot, told her fiancé to leave, too, and then started hitting him in the face.” When he left the house, the authorities further noted, the woman then “tackled him football-style, punched him some more, threw his watch into the bushes and broke his glasses.”
According to the sheriff’s reports, the woman was released from jail later that day. There is still no word on whether the marriage took place. [My Way News]
Weeks after being accused by his sister and 61-year-old mother, a former circus clown, of roughing them up in a London hotel on the eve of the “Dark Knight“‘s European premiere, British police are reporting that Christian Bale will not be charged with any crime. This is after police had originally “delayed questioning Bale for a day to avoid disrupting the opening of the box-office blockbuster,” explaining that “it would have been wrong to wreck the premiere over a complaint which we do not yet know is founded in truth.”
According to reports, Britain’s Crown Prosecution Service “ordered police not to take any further action, saying there was insufficient evidence to make a conviction realistic”—making sure to add, however, that the Service “treats domestic incidents seriously.”
Confusion still remains as to what sort of “domestic incident” British prosecutors would consider worthy of such “serious” treatment, but at least we can all now rest safe in the knowledge that beating up your sister and an old circus clown in your hotel room won’t net you much more in the UK than a pat on the back and some autograph requests from a couple of Bobbies. Cheers! [HuffPo]
A Pennsylvania woman, Myra Morton, has just been sentenced to 20 years in prison for fatally shooting her bigamist husband just hours before he was due to hop on a plane to Morocco to go visit his other wife. The Mortons, married 25 years, had converted to Islam about 20 years ago, and “in keeping with Muslim custom, [Morton] traveled to Morocco to bless her husband’s March 2007 second marriage to 37-year-old Zahra Toural, who [he] met on the Internet.” Authorities have explained, however, that Morton grew increasingly “upset” about her husband’s marriage to the younger Muslim woman and his plans to have children with her, clarifying that “Morton grew to resent the arrangement, at least in part because her husband was sending Toural $3,000 a month.”
We know, we know—we didn’t believe it either. Who could have predicted that a woman might actually grow to resent an arrangement whereby her husband sends thousands of dollars to—and travels halfway around the world to have sex with—a younger woman who he met on the Internet? Go know. [CNN]
Just in case you wondering what might be the one thing more humiliating than being beat up by a girl, police in Japan are reporting that they have have arrested a 20-year-old man who attacked and robbed two people for staring at the full-body Winnie-the-Pooh costume he just happened to be wearing.
Officials have reported that the man, Masayuki Ishikawa, was lingering on a street corner after midnight recently with two friends, who were dressed as—naturally—a mouse and a panther, when he noticed two people looking at him. “It’s uncommon to see people dressed up like this,” the police explained, “so the victims were watching them.” The costumed men then approached the onlookers, asked them what they were staring at, and proceeded to beat the crap out of them, stealing $160 dollars while they were at it.
A spokesman for the police has explained that “the group had apparently donned the unusual garb because they had run out of clean clothes.”
When reached for comment, legal pundits worldwide have noted that…well, nothing. They’re still speechless, too. [Reuters]
According to reports giving a new spin on the concept of the “blushing bride,” a man in upstate New York was arrested on his wedding day for violating a court order barring him from going near the bride…who also happened to be his ex-wife. Confused? You’re not alone.
The man’s ex-wife-cum-new-bride apparently had a standing restraining order in place against the man, Timothy Cole, which he had previously violated several times—the most recent time being July 1. The trouble started when, after remarrying his ex last week, Cole began fighting “with a guest over a chair during a house party” just hours after the wedding. When police showed up, they recognized him from previous arrests and discovered the still-active order of protection against him. At that point, Cole was charged with first-degree criminal contempt for violating the order and was ordered to jail without bail.
While legal pundits have been unable to agree on whether Cole should rightfully have been arrested, they have unanimously posed the same question of the case: Who the hell is this bride? What kind of woman (re)marries a guy she not only thought best to divorce, but also obtained a restraining order against? I mean, come on, is the idea of being single really that bad? [Salon]
Just in case you thought Robert Chambers, the so-called Preppie Killer who served fifteen years for strangling a teenage girl in Central Park during what he said was “rough sex” back in 1986, couldn’t be a bigger loser, you should think again. The convicted murderer is heading back to prison, this time for dealing drugs out of his apartment and assaulting a cop.
This isn’t the first time since his initial 1988 manslaughter conviction that Chambers caught the attention of the police. Within a year of his 2003 release—after serving the maximum sentence “because of discipline problems behind bars, including dealing drugs”—Chambers was arrested for heroin possession and unlicensed driving. He was then arrested again in 2007, and pleaded guilty yesterday, to charges of dealing cocaine out of his Manhattan apartment—charges which are expected to carry a nineteen-year sentence.
Some guys never let you down. [MSNBC]
In reports confirming that no matter the context, shoes do matter, police are on the hunt for members of a girl gang that allegedly attacked two teenage sisters with a few super-size stilettos outside the appropriately named Club Crunk in Fort Pierce, Florida. According to a Fort Pierce police report, the sisters told police that members of the “Rock Star Girls” and “The Cheerleaders” gangs “approached them…and began punching and kicking.” Apparently three of the gang girls “removed their shoes and began beating” the sisters as one assailant, who was “swinging a silver shoe with a six-inch heel, remarked, ‘B, I am gonna kill you.’”
The police have not confirmed exactly how many gang ladies were involved in the attack, but as the mother of the victims told police in her 911 call, “Look at my babies, they were beaten at the club by like 30 hoes.” Sources inside the police department have not confirmed whether the alleged assailants are, in fact, “hoes,” but they have gingerly noted: If the swinging, silver, six-inch-stiletto shoe fits… [The Smoking Gun]
A college professor in Iowa was arrested late last week for allegedly asking to grope the breasts of a female student in exchange for helping her get into law school. The student claims that she and the alleged perv, Arthur Herbert Miller, a political science professor at the University of Iowa, met in his office in early May, where Miller told her that her overall grade was pretty bleak and explained that she “would have to do something for him,” and then “grabbed and sucked on her breast.” In an apparent attempt to destroy any doubts the student may have been harboring about reporting the incident, Miller then sent along an email “congratulating her on getting an ‘A+’” and offering to meet again the following week to “discuss assistance for getting into law school.”
The student filed her complaint shortly thereafter and within one week, three other students filed formal complaints about similar incidents, leading to Miller’s arrest.
Though the outcome of Miller’s case remains uncertain, this much is clear: The pre-law student certainly doesn’t need his help in getting into law school—she’s already figured out on her own that the most “assistance” some D-list pervert professor will ever be able to give you is a decent application essay topic when you go ahead and use our legal system to put the douchebag out of business. Well done, honey. Hope you get into Yale. [Iowa Press-Citizen]
Recent reports out of New York are indicating that working for the government not only makes you cheap, but if you’re anything like 28-year-old prosecutor Matthew Knouff, it may also turn you insane. Already on suspension after an arrest for throwing a brick through a restaurant window at his office Christmas party, Knouff, a prosecutor in the Brooklyn D.A.’s office, was fired last week after being arrested (again) for basically being an incredible jackass.
The trouble started when Knouff tried to stiff a cab driver on a ride home from Midtown to Brooklyn, “heatedly told the cabby he was a cop,” and then, when the real cops showed up, the “profanity-spewing Knouff” tried to bribe them to let him go. And what was the sum this smooth-talking junior lawyer offered each of the cops to look the other way? A sweet $50 apiece.
Lawyers following the story have acknowledged that it’s tough to be a “playa” on a government salary, but have nevertheless offered a few words of advice to the banished prosecutor: Next time you try to bribe a cop, offer at least a cool thousand. That way, when they arrest you, and everyone you know finds out about it, at least you’ll look like a generous idiot. [NY Post]
Local media are reporting that earlier this week, in an attempt to test the boundaries of his own criminal ineptitude, a man in Salinas, California stole a truck, only to be carjacked at gunpoint later that day. The Salinas authorities explained that a man named Edward Bishop told police that he stole a pick-up truck late Saturday night, and while idling in the truck the next day at—where else?—a 7-11, a carjacker hopped in, aimed a gun at Bishop and ordered him to ride around. Apparently, it was a short ride, because the truck ran out of gas, and even though the carjacker “ordered Bishop to push the truck,” Bishop ran away and—yes—called the police. Sources with the Salinas police have been unable to confirm whether Bishop, a professed long-time fan of the Olsen twins, demanded immunity before reporting the crime. [The Californian]