Bitter by Numbers

Six Facebook Groups to Know About

by Michael Estrin on November 17, 2008 in Columns

Six Facebook Groups to Know About:

You should be billing hours, but with so many friends to keep tabs on and ex-lovers to stalk, Facebook has become a major part of your day. But if you haven’t ventured far beyond the confines of your own social network, you’re missing out.

Here are six legal-oriented Facebook groups that got our attention.

[Ed. Note: A Facebook account is required to access the following groups, which are linked by title.]

1. I’m a Lawyer But I’d Rather Be a Pirate

Their Take: Self-explanatory, but for all those who’d rather be trawling the high seas than trawling through a contract, a lease, a shareholder’s agreement…

Bitter Take: You know the pirate craze has officially become lame when it has reached BigLaw.

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2. I’m a Lawyer and I’m Hot

Their Take: The Practice made you think you’d be rubbing elbows with Dylan McDermott and Lara Flynn Boyle. Then you started law school and reasoned that all the hotties must have gone to that party school you ambitiously avoided. Now that you’re practicing, you realize you were sadly mistaken. Every law school, every firm, is comprised of the same sea of Denny Cranes, and YOU stand out like a cookie in Calista Flockhart’s hand. You know from experience that you don’t have to look like a turtle to swim with the sharks, and now you know you’re not alone. You’re in a precious minority: you’re an attorney and you’re HOT! This is the group for YOU!

Bitter Take: We’re willing to concede that there are some hot lawyers out there (we’re looking at you, Skadden), but 740 members for this group? No way. v

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3. Legally Blonde Inspired Me to Become a Lawyer!

Their Take: For all of those blondes out there who saw this movie and saw Elle Woods as an inspiration….and who have now decided to become a lawyer!….or who thought they would like to become a lawyer and then found out that it takes 7 years of school:D

Bitter Take: Sorry, we’re still laughing over that second sentence. For the record, this group has only 167 (rather attractive) members. Take that, “I’m a Lawyer and I’m Hot.”

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4. I’ve Thought About Dropping Out Of Law School At Least Ten Times Today

Their Take: This is a support group for students who have seriously considered throwing down their highlighters and running screaming from the building at least ten times in the past day (or hour, if you’re me). If you’ve been feeling this way, but yet still keep coming back for more, please join. Invite your friends. And together, BY GOD, we will persevere.

Bitter Take: Here’s a staggering fact: This group has more than 6,000 members. Our favorite forum post: “Addictions I picked up in law school to help me cope: Smoking. Drinking. Yelling at well-meaning loved ones.”

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5. Why did I become a lawyer? Why… WHY ???

Their Take: Need I say more?

Bitter Take: We’re sold.

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6. The Disgruntled Associate (Lawyer Attorney)

Their Take: A GROUP FOR U.S. ATTORNEYS and ATTORNEYS TO VENT.

Why does the partner pile work on you so he/she can fly to Antigua with his/her mistress for a week-long tryst? Are you overworked and underpaid? Office politics suck. What can you do about it?

Ask questions or just vent.

Give advice to greenies.

(Licensed U.S. Attorneys ONLY – to join send request and SBN).

Bitter Take: There’s only one member in this group, but you are not alone, Disgruntled Associate. Join the Bitter Lawyer group on Facebook and tell us more about that partner with the mistress.

Check out other lists, tallies and scores to settle in Bitter by Numbers.

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Four Best Fourth-Tier Law Schools

by Michael Estrin on November 14, 2008 in Columns

Four Best Fourth-Tier Law Schools:

Love them or hate them, rankings are everything in life and law. How else would you propose to measure yourself, your firm or your school against the competition?

Unfortunately, for reasons that escape us, nobody has bothered to rank the best fourth-tier law schools in the U.S. Until now…

1. Barry University (Orlando, Florida)

Bitter Details:

Technically, the school goes by its DJ name, Dwayne O. Andreas School of Law, but we always knew it as Barry–Barry from the block. Back in the day (last month) Barry (we mean Dwayne) beat the snot out of its competition at the University of Puerto Rico School of Law Trial Competition. First prize was a case of Bacardi.

Bitter Distinction:

It’s not easy being green, and there’s simply no way in hell that the tree-huggers will be able to save the planet without a good attorney, which is why Barry created the Earth Advocacy Clinic. According to Barry, the clinic, which trains young lawyers to provide counsel to environmental groups, is the first of its kind. Plus, Barry is about as close as a legal education can get to Disney World.

2. Appalachian School of Law (Grundy, Virginia)

Bitter Details:

Why did we pick Appalachian? Well, try this one on for size: Appalachian had a 100% pass rate for the West Virginia bar exam. That’s right, five students from Appalachian sat for the West Virginia bar exam, and five students passed. Booyah, ya’ll!

Bitter Distinction:

According to its website, Appalachian is about 30 minutes from something called Critterville Park. Nuff said.

3. New England School of Law (Boston, Massachusetts)

Bitter Details:

If New England School of Law didn’t make the list, we’d be turning our back on an entire region. Think about it: one law school, six states. Can your alma mater say that?

Bitter Distinction:

There’s a lot of legal action in the Boston area. Just ask David E. Kelly. But with that much action comes confusion, which is why New England School of Law is officially adopting a new nickname: New England Law | Boston. (Yep, that’s a verti-bar in there.) According to the school’s dean, John F. O’Brien, the nickname is meant to help the school identify more closely with Boston (don’t’ make us rethink that regional accolade, O’Brien) and cut down on any confusion with area schools. Harvard Law is said to be “relieved.”

4. Western State University College of Law (Fullerton, California)

Bitter Details:

Technically, Western State University College of Law isn’t in the fourth tier because the fools at U.S. News & World Report stopped ranking it after the school obtained provisional approval from the ABA in 2005. But we at Bitter Lawyer are keen to bring Western back to its tier-four greatness once and for all. Repeat after us: Yes, they can be a fourth-tier law school. (Especially since they’re under new management.)

Bitter Distinction:

Some say the Western legal tradition goes all the way back to biblical times. Well, Western State University College of Law goes all the way back to 1966, which means Western is officially a cougar by OC standards.

Check out other lists, tallies and scores to settle in Bitter by Numbers.

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14 Rules for Waiting on Bar Exam Results

by Michael Estrin on November 8, 2008 in Columns

It’s November, and that means bar results are nigh. For those in sensible states like California, it’s a countdown to Nov. 21. But for those in states like New York, waiting for your results is kind of like watching paint dry over an open wound.

Whether you’re still looking for a job or on the verge of Living the Dream, you’ll need to pass the time somehow.

1. Don’t tell the senior partner that you think you failed

When it comes to bar results, don’t think. It can only hurt the firm and you.

2. Try not to think about the dormant Commerce Clause issues raised by the produce at your local grocery store

Nobody really cares.

3. Go out of town for a weekend

Win or lose, you won’t have a break after you get your results.

4. Stop dreaming about adversely possessing Alaska

Sarah Palin is back, it won’t work.

5. Don’t try to issue spot while watching Law & Order

Leave that to Jack McCoy.

6. Spread a rumor that the bar results won’t come out until January

Then wait to see how long it takes to get back to you.

7. Don’t give away your Bar/Bri books just yet

You never know.

8. Don’t brag that you know you passed

Hubris will only come back to bite you in the ass.

9. Pray

10. Remove inappropriate pictures of yourself from Facebook

The partners and your clients really don’t want to see that post-bar drunken picture of you shaving a donkey in Mexico. That way, if you pass, you won’t get fired.

11. Bitch to your laymen friends about how unfair it is that you have to wait so long for your results

After you get them, nobody will want to hear you complain about anything.

12. Avoid giving legal advice

You don’t have your license yet and even if you did, you don’t know anything anyway.

13. Don’t expect much sympathy if you fail

You’re a lawyer, you’re supposed to have a license.

14. Don’t expect much in the way of congratulations when you pass

You’re a lawyer, you’re supposed to have a license.

Check out other lists, tallies and scores to settle in Bitter by Numbers.

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26 Ex-Bitters in Chief

by Michael Estrin on November 4, 2008 in Columns

Think your only option is to practice law? Think again. Over the years, 26 ex-Bitters went on to serve as President of the United States. That’s more than from any other profession.

While all of these Presidents were lawyers, and most of them had some formal education, not all of them were law school graduates. Law schools, in fact, are a relatively recent addition to higher education. Accordingly, we’ve listed each President’s alma mater. Where applicable, we have noted their law school, but for many of the early Presidents, the school simply refers to the last formal education they received before beginning their careers.

UPDATE: Need a break from an Ex-Bitter as President? Sorry. No can do. With the ~~likely~~ 2012 ticket between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney, it’s a fall choice of Harvard Law vs. Harvard Law.
Keep Reading ⇒

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Five Reasons Being a Lawyer is Great Now

by Bitter Staff on October 27, 2008 in Columns

Bitter Lawyer is back at it with Bitter Numbers, and we go positive with our five reasons being a lawyer is great. Now, at least.

1You don’t have to work that hard. No, firms haven’t become kinder and gentler—or more sensitive to associates’ “lifestyle” concerns. (Sorry, Stanford Lifestyle Geeks, this ain’t about you!) They just don’t have any goddamn work for you, so there’s nothing to do. Of course, the bad news is that bonuses will be way down. Or non-existent. But, then again, some of you won’t even be around to get your shitty bonuses.

2You don’t have to stress out about picking practice area or legal specialty. There’s no need to worry about whether you should focus on mergers, corporate finance or banking. It just doesn’t matter. You’ll be forced to do whatever work the firm brings in the door whether or not you like it—or even understand it.

3You don’t have to fend off all those pesky headhunters. Now that the world is crumbling, you won’t be forced to take all those annoying search-firm phone calls and entertain all those enticing lateral job offers. Thank God. Life’s so much easier when you don’t have options.

4You don’t have to resent your rich investment banker friends anymore. With Wall Street all but dead, you won’t have to waste all that time whining about your “kind of dumb” friend from college who sells bonds at Lehman Bros and makes five times what you make. And he only works 40 hours a week. And the hardest part of his job is sending crass emails to clients—and taking them to steak joints and strip clubs. Also, you won’t have to spend all that time strategizing among your peers about “how to become” an investment banker some day. Because you won’t.

5You actually love the job you used to hate. You’ve seen your friends get laid off, the value of your stock portfolio get cut in half and your short-term career prospects all but disappear, but the good news: You finally realize that being an employed Bitter Lawyer is a hell of a lot better than being an unemployed Bitter Lawyer. Some call it “perspective.”

Check out other lists, tallies and scores to settle in Bitter by Numbers.

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Six People You’ll Meet as a First Year Associate

by Mister Bitter on October 17, 2008 in Columns

1. The Annoying, Super-Helpful Senior Associate

He’s the smiley, overly earnest dude who can’t wait to give you the inside scoop on everything and anything. He loves the firm more than any human being should love anything. Wears firm T-shirts on the weekend and is a member of every goddamn committee that will have him. He’s pretty darn active on the charity/political circuit too. And, of course, he can’t wait to mentor you. To teach you. To sprinkle avuncular nuggets of lawyer dust on you. Whether he’s giving you the head’s up on the best local lunch spot or spewing cautionary tales about cantankerous partners, this guy’s here to advise 24/7. He’s so helpful that you can’t help but hate him.

2. Hot Lawyer (Who’s Really Not That Hot)

A 6 in a land in 4’s, so she looks like an 8. She’s the woman you hear about the first day you set foot in the firm. The one everyone talks about in hushed, reverential voices. The unimaginably unattainable legal goddess used as a ridiculous reference point for beauty in casual conversation. “You know that actress… She used to be a model… Sort of looks likes Liz Silver…” And then, alas, you meet her, and you want to cry. Because she’s barely cute. She’s the fifth-cutest chick at a random SOHO café at lunchtime—if she’s wearing her best-fitting jeans. That’s when you realize being a lawyer really sucks. When not-that-hot lawyer chicks are considered off-the-charts gorgeous.

3. Douchebag, Know-It-All, Smartest-Guy-In-The-Room First Year

The guy who reads law journals in his spare time, writes law review articles for fun, and genuinely gets “a kick” out of the law. He’s twenty-six (but acts fifty-six) and is prone to wearing a bow tie from time to time. He’s a lawyer and damn proud of it. The senior associates and partners love him too. He’s the guy who makes you feel stupid—who makes you wonder if becoming a lawyer was a major mistake since he’s so much more advanced and educated than you. He’s a tireless worker and a relentless go-getter. Then, one day, he screws up and everyone sort of stops talking about him. People begin to whisper that he’s not really that bright. “A hard worker, sure, but not much candle power.” A year later, he leaves the firm for “personal reasons” and becomes a punch line at the holiday party.

4. The Uber-Cool Partner

The 35-year-old playa who everyone thinks is way hipper than he really is. The law-firm equivalent of the “cool mom” who lets you drink at her house and allows her high-school son’s girlfriend to spend the night in his room. Or even worse, the dude who graduated from college three years ago but still hangs out at the frat house. He’s single, immature, not-that-great looking and dates a lot less than he suggests. He’s every socially presentable associate’s best friend, while the wannabe-cool associates fight and clamor to become part of his “fascinating” social circle. He’s an all-around great guy—until you work with him on a deal and he turns into just another disapproving, workaholic dick.

5. Legendary Genius Everyone Reveres

He went to Harvard or Yale, worked for NASA (for real) and is now some legendary M&A guy who constantly cites obscure Delaware cases and SEC regulations. In his spare time, he creates exotic transaction structures and tax loopholes. The other partners and associates can’t go three seconds without saying, “He’s brilliant.” That’s all they talk about. How goddamn smart he is. They act like he’s curing cancer or solving global economic problems—instead of simply closing deals or trying cases. But that doesn’t matter because being scary brilliant is the “thing” all lawyers want to be. It’s much cooler to be a brilliant geek than cool, which is why being a lawyer sucks.

6. Paralegal/Secretary Slut

The sweet, nondescript, innocent chick you barely notice the first six months you work there. But then, over time—and after a few drinks—you learn that practically every young associate and horn-dog partner has had sex with her. You start to look at her a little differently. And she notices. Then one night, after a firm function . . . . Well, you know what happens. And it ain’t pretty. The next morning, you show up at work hungover and nod to the “hot chick” who you used to think was 4 but now looks like an 8.

And that’s when it’s time to quit.

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Five Things for Lawyers to Do in a Recession

by Bitter Staff on October 6, 2008 in Columns

When the economy sucks and the prospect of layoffs seems imminent, there’s not that much an associate can do. You can’t single-handedly infuse energy into a lethargic—nay, crippled—financial system. You can’t make crappy mortgage-backed bonds turn into creditworthy AAA debt. You can’t resuscitate the dead M&A market. But then again, you can’t just sit there and wait for the ax to fall. Right? Should you be looking for a new job? Lots of questions, lots of anxiety, few answers.

As always, Bitter Lawyer is here to help, so our editors have compiled a list of five things to consider during this period of economic turbulence.

1Make up with that asshole junior partner you can’t stand. The one you had a little beef with nine months ago, but you didn’t think much about it because you were billing 2,000 hours a year. Well, things are different now, cowboy. The last thing you need right now is an enemy—let alone an equity enemy. When revenues and profits-per-partner decrease, heads roll. Fact. Right now, in some random conference room, the “management committee” is looking for an excuse to pull the trigger. And associates with “attitude problems” are the first to go.

2Make yourself useful. Learn a new skill set. Offer to help out other partners/senior associates in different departments. For example, if you’re a really junior corporate associate (like a 1st or 2nd year), offer to help out the bankruptcy department. Or the litigation department with doc reviews. Hopefully, they’ll say no. But at least you asked – and at least you’re trying to cover your costs. Remember, this is a business. The firm pays your salary, your secretary’s salary, your insurance, etc… The other alternative, of course, is to hide in your office wearing a wig and giant nose and hope no one notices that your hours are 50% lower than last year’s – yet your salary’s 10% higher. Good luck with that one…

3Stop looking for new jobs. Now’s not the time. Wasted energy. Hunker down and do your best to keep the job you have. When things turn around, and it’s time to look for that new position, you’re going to want to be employed. So focus on that. Remember, it’s always easier to find a new job when you have a job. Like finding dates. When you’re dating or married, they’re everywhere. Can’t walk down the street without getting some flirtatious run. The second you break up, you can’t get a smile from your goddamn doorman. Point is: Now’s not a great time to be “professionally single.” You will not get laid.

4Take advantage of your down time. Write an article. Teach a class. Organize a conference. Set up a lunch meeting with a prospective client (even if the odds of landing him are remote.) Again, you need to let partners know you’re trying—and that you’ll add value to the firm down the road. If you don’t know any “prospective clients,” have one of your sophisticated, well-dressed friends pretend to be the general counsel of some “growing Silicon Valley start-up looking to do lots of deals.”

5Go for broke. If you really, truly despise being a lawyer and have a genuine, deep-rooted entrepreneurial streak, now’s a hell of a good time to take a shot at greatness. Your opportunity costs suck right now anyway, so it’s not like you’re leaving that much on the table. Sure, you’d be giving up a guaranteed salary and all that (assuming you don’t get laid off), which is terrifying, but let’s face it, bonuses, partnership prospects and sexy, high-paying corporate jobs aren’t realistic right now. In other words, if you leave now, you’re not sacrificing that “big payoff” you might otherwise be forsaking when the economy’s booming and great jobs are falling out of the sky. If you’ve always dreamed of writing the great American novel or starting an uber-hip new media business, now’s not a bad time to give it whirl. Or you can just keep bitching and moaning about how shitty your life and job are. Your call.

Check out other lists, tallies and scores to settle in Bitter by Numbers.

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Five Worst Kiss-Ass Questions Asked at OCI

by Bitter Staff on September 22, 2008 in Columns

Bitter Lawyer has been inundated with reports, concerns and hilarious accounts of on-campus interviews over the past few weeks. Here is a list of the top five kiss-ass questions aspiring legal tools have allegedly asked. For those of you still looking for jobs, read this immediately—and make sure to never, ever ask any of these questions. For those of you with jobs, also read it immediately—and take solace in the knowledge that there are far bigger losers in this world.

1What’s it like to work at the greatest firm in the world? It’s okay to compliment the firm, even be in awe of it. But don’t talk about how in awe of it you are. When you’re on a date with a hot woman (which for many male lawyers is a stretch, I know), you don’t constantly tell her how hot she is. Or talk about what it must be like to be so hot. In fact, real ladies’ men play against the urge and quietly pretend the hot woman isn’t really that hot. And that she’s not the only hot chick in the rotation. Bottom line here: Respectful is good, obsequious is lame.

Good kiss-ass alternative: What do you consider the firm’s strengths and weaknesses to be?

2If I were to join the firm, would I have an opportunity to work with you some day? Don’t fall in love with interviewers because they won’t love you back. Fact. You’re just another faceless, slightly annoying law school punk with good grades, too much ambition and not enough experience.

Good kiss-ass alternative: Why did you decide to join Firm X?

3Does the firm have a maximum billable hour limit? There’s nothing wrong with trying to sell hard work, but don’t talk about breaking records. Get in the game first, then worry about becoming Michael Jordan. Don’t talk about maximums. Minimums. Limits. In fact, don’t even talk about billable hours period.

Good kiss-ass alternative: What do first years really do?

4How long did it take for you to become a legal genius? Never use the word genius. Ever. First off, 99% of lawyers aren’t. Second, you’ll never regain your self-respect. Use the word “experienced” or “sophisticated.” Genius should be reserved for physicists, medical researchers and, on occasion, snarky blogs focused on the legal community.

Good kiss-ass alternative: What’s the most challenging deal/case you’ve ever worked on?

5Do you recommend living close to the office so when a partner calls, it won’t take long to get to the office? Might as well just ask if it’s okay to massage the partners when you’re working late. Or take their dirty clothes to the dry cleaner. Or better yet, just get on your hands and knees and take care of business right there, in the middle of the damn interview.

Good kiss-ass alternative: There is none. This is too lame to even attempt to salvage.

But here’s a good ass-kissy question to keep in your back pocket, just in case you need it some day: What are the most valuable traits a junior associate can possess?

Check out other lists, tallies and scores to settle in Bitter by Numbers.

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Eight Interview Don’ts

by Bitter Staff on September 2, 2008 in Columns

Let’s get right to it.

1. Don’t write stupid, trivial things under the “Personal” section of your resume

Nobody cares if you’re a Woody Allen fanatic, bake a mean kiwi-lemon pie or “love to travel.” Save this section for real things only. Stuff like “Speak Cantonese fluently,” “Varsity Golf, Vanderbilt University,” or “Published Various Political Essays in The New Yorker, 2004 – Present.” In other words, if you don’t have anything legitimate and unique to add, say nothing. Please.

2. Don’t put your goddamn LSAT score on your resume

No matter what. Even if you scored a perfect 180. People will hate you.

3. Don’t put your high school on your resume

Even if you went to Andover, Choate, Dalton, or Harvard-Westlake. It’s just a high school. We know you’re proud and all, but the risk of irreparable alienation far outweighs the potential reward.

4. Don’t try to impress the interviewer with how smart you are

Believe it or not, you’re just another law student looking for a job, and nobody is going to be wowed with your keen intellect and superficial knowledge of the Securities Exchange Act of 1934. The most important thing is to be enthusiastic and eager. The interviewers assume you’re smart–that’s why you got an interview in the first place. So do yourself a favor and try to be “normal”—not intellectual. It’s far more impressive.

5. Don’t exaggerate your work experience

Truth is, people don’t care what you did prior to law school—unless you’re one of the few people who actually did something relevant and interesting. For the other 99% of the student body, keep it simple and honest. People are more interested in your ability to learn than what you’ve already learned. So don’t attempt to spin some internship at your dad’s friend’s law firm into some sort of high-powered, transactional gig.

6. Don’t dress like a jackass

Be stylish, but in case of a tie, err on the side of conservatism. But please, wear something manufactured in the past three years. Men, stay away from black, bow ties, summer suits and “statement” ties. Women, keep the cleavage and hip-hugging to a minimum, regardless of how many times a week you do pilates.

7. Don’t harass interviewers with thank-you emails and letters

People often say “Feel free to call me if you have any questions,” but they don’t really mean it. So save your calls and emails for when it matters—after the firm actually makes you an offer and you’re trying to decide what firm to pick. Remember, 90% of the time, the decision to hire you has already been made by the time you send your ass-kissing email anyway. Not once in the history of the world has someone been hired because they sent a thank-you note. In fact, it might actually cost you points because now the person you sent it to has to respond—which is annoying.

8. Don’t ask about billable hours, lifestyle or firm culture

You might as well just pull out a clown mask and start dancing around the office. If you give the interviewer any sort of hint that you’re not interested in working your ass off, you’re dead. Save all the “give me the skinny” questions for post-offer discussions. Until then, attitude is king.

Check out other lists, tallies and scores to settle in Bitter by Numbers.