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Post image for Bitter Lawyer Loves Elizabeth Wurtzel – Part 2

[Ed. Note: This is Part 2 of our interview with Elizabeth Wurtzel. Check out our Part 1 interview from yesterday where the Prozac Nation author talks about what inspired her to go to law school, her current job working for David Boies on the Proposition 8 case, and the embarrassment she feels when women “opt out” of their law careers. Today, Wurtzel reveals her soft spot for Sarah Palin, where she sees herself in ten years, and what she believes is the biggest misconception that exists about her.]

In Prozac Nation, you wrote a compelling memoir of your battles with depression. If you ever write a memoir of your time as a lawyer, what would you title the book?

[Laughing]

I would probably call it Among The Maniacs. I’ve never seen people work so hard in my life. It’s quite amazing. There is an intensity level that is astonishing.

[Also], I always thought it would be fun to write a legal book and call it Intermediate Scrutiny. It sounds sort of like Medium Cool. I like that title. There’s something about [the idea of] “medium” that is interesting to me. I’ve been around people who have been thought of as crazy—like rock stars, for example. But lawyers are an intense bunch [too]. And I don’t mean that as an insult at all—it’s not an insult—but there is a manic intensity level [among lawyers in general] that is crazy when you think about it.

It sort of amazes me every day. The job of a lawyer is to worry. It’s sort of a refuge for worriers. And every so often, I feel like it’s a Don DeLillo novel. I got that feeling a lot in law school—the one where lawyers and law students would just worry about things that other people wouldn’t even think about. It’s weird because lawyers can be really straight arrows. But they’ve found a very acceptable way to channel all this anxiety.

I’ll give you a funny example from law school: My Contracts professor would frequently tell us to study science fiction. It sounds strange, but on one level, if you think about it, writing a clause in a contract is a lot like writing science fiction because in both cases you’re dreaming up possibilities that probably aren’t going to happen and maybe aren’t even possible.

Prozac Nation got made into a movie, but it didn’t have U.S. theatrical distribution. What did you think of the film? Is it a classic case of the movie not being nearly as good as the book?

It’s weird. I liked the movie when I saw [an early cut] with the soundtrack music. But you know, it looked good and had great music, so it was easy to like in retrospect. But they didn’t budget for music and none of [what I saw] made it into the final cut.

I was not overly fond of the [final version] movie. I think it had a terrible script. The director was good, and I thought the actors were terrific, but it turns out that the script matters.

There’s this perception [in Hollywood] that the screenwriter is one step below the janitor. But you need both obviously… You know what they say, you can’t work in a dirty office. Well, anyway, you can’t make good movie with a bad script. I don’t know how much they could have done with that screenplay. I would have found someone to write it who had more of my background. Instead, they had this guy who was Irish and living in Scotland, which is weird because it’s such an American story. I don’t know how well it could have come out in those circumstances. So to me, the movie was a missed opportunity.

But here’s the funny thing: A lot of people say they really like it, which surprises me. But depression is common, and I suppose that insofar as there is a generic depression story, it struck a cord, so maybe it shouldn’t surprise me that people liked the movie.

You wrote a fascinating essay for Elle [HERE] a few months back about the loss of your youthful beauty. Obviously, you’re more than your looks, but do you think fading beauty helps draw attention to your intellect, or do you have to work even harder to get what you want in this world?

There’s no question that being good-looking is an advantage, and nobody should complain about that. But your question makes me think of what’s going on with Sarah Palin right now.

Okay?

I’ve been watching this reaction to Sarah Palin—and first, I guess, I should make clear that I don’t agree with her about anything. She goes against everything that I stand for and believe in. But I like her in a way. She’s very charismatic. And I think she’s a victim of a kind of sexism because she’s so pretty.

There have been a lot of inept presidents and vice presidents in our history. Plenty. The last president, for example. But the extent to which [Palin’s] unfitness for office and the fuss over her… it’s just so fascinating to watch, and I think a lot of it is because she’s pretty and charismatic. I mean, Dan Quayle was infinitely more idiotic than [Palin], and people just laughed about him. It was funny.

Don’t you think that’s at least in part because we live in more serious times now?

I suppose. I mean, I see what you’re saying. But I think something else is at work here. The level of hysteria about her is beyond sexism. I think it’s more about how we feel about beauty in general—and beauty pageants—and there’s obviously this well of animosity there. Sexism alone would affect Hillary [Clinton] too, and some of it does, but with Palin, it really goes beyond that. She’s just easier to dismiss, and I think that she is so easily dismissed because she’s pretty.

Have you thought about writing about her?

Maybe I should. It think what happened to her wasn’t fair. I mean, the attacks worked. She left office. People got what they wanted. Now she looks as nuts as they think she is.

When you were still a law student, you wrote a piece for the Wall Street Journal [HERE] about AutoAdmit [HERE]. This is a quote from the article: “The flat, affectless sexual bravado of the trash-talk on AutoAdmit is also a bit of a shock, coming from allegedly intelligent legal minds.” That kind of trash-talk seems rather common on legal websites, and indeed elsewhere on the web. Is it the nature of the Internet that brings out this kind of trash-talking lawyer, or is there something about the legal profession that brings out the worst in many of us?

Lawyers are famously risk-averse. So many people go to law school because they don’t know what else to do. It’s an interesting kind of intelligence that they have. But it’s a very well behaved [kind of intelligence]. Most careers that attract people this bright have a rebel element to them, including Wall Street. But the law has managed to find people who want to work within the system. Most lawyers are really smart, and very few want to rebel and change the core of things. That’s kind of unusual.

There must be this pent-up rage from living like that. And then there’s the rage from being an associate at a law factory and working long hours on matters that probably aren’t that important to the final outcome of a case or an issue. And even once you make partner, you work really hard. It’s a hardworking gig. It can be crazy-making, and, I suppose, those are the things that drive some anonymous comments like the ones I wrote about.

It’s strange though because some of these comments on legal websites run so contrary to the public perception of lawyers. It’s almost like there’s this seething underbelly of bile when it comes to lawyers on the web. Why is that?

The really nice thing about this firm is that we are leanly staffed, so nobody is wasting there time. I think that’s a big factor that often gets overlooked when you talk about this stuff because a lot of firms have too many smart people working on things that may not really matter.

When I was at Yale, I was always struck by the fact that we had some of the smartest people around being marshaled for a rather typical purpose. Okay, they’re really smart, but do you need that kind of brilliance to write a contract? It just seemed like there was more that they could be doing. But a lot of them end up at a law factory, and lawyers aren’t the sort of people who yell out a window, “I’m mad as heck and I’m not going to take it anymore!” They post anonymously on websites, and they can be pretty mean.

I think that comes from the fact that a lot of the people who go to law school aren’t there because they failed at a dream. [Instead], they go because they don’t have a dream at all, and that’s a sad, desperate way to live. [Being a lawyer] is such an interesting job, if you’re interested in it. But if you’re not interested in the law, I can imagine that it’s quite awful.

Is there a blog, legal or otherwise, that is on your must-read list?

I’m not a big blog reader. People around here read Above The Law, but I can’t get into it. It’s all gossip and layoffs, but not much else. People keep sending me links to The Huffington Post, and I guess you can’t avoid it if you’ve got a liberal friend, but it’s all just so much opinion I can’t quite get my head around why everyone is reading it. So I suppose I’m still a newspaper person because I’m not sure if blogs are that great. There are people who spend their whole day reading them; I guess that’s a good sign for reading, but it’s a bad sign for outdoors.

When you started as a writer, you were a pop culture critic. What is a pop culture critic?

I’m not sure that’s what I was. I don’t really know what that is. I was always very practical about my writing. I didn’t come from money, so I knew I had to make a career of it. I wasn’t going to just sit there and write a novel.

I did some reporting, and that’s interesting, but I guess I wrote a lot about pop culture and music. I firmly believe that your musical tastes stop evolving when you’re 26, so I don’t think anyone over that age should be allowed to write about music.

So what’s on your iPod right now?

I have a lot of Nirvana. I’ve got a lot of Hole and L7. I guess you can say I’m stuck in the ‘90s. But I also have a lot of Bob Dylan and some Velvet Underground. And I’m a huge punk fan. I’ve been listening to a lot of Bruce Springsteen and that Loretta Lynn album that Jack White produced. You should get that even if you don’t like Loretta Lynn or Jack White because it’s amazing and really different. And I find Radiohead’s In Rainbows album to be shockingly good.

Do you listen to music when you write legal briefs?

No. It’s too distracting.

Over the years, you’ve written a lot about yourself, and you’ve been a favorite topic for a lot of journalists. What’s the biggest misconception about you?

Every so often, someone gets it right, and I’m always amazed [when that happens]. The thing that most people don’t realize about me is that my life is really normal and my habits are normal. It’s kind of funny that anyone is interested [in me] at all. I have to take the trash out, walk the dog, go to work, etc.

I sometimes think that when I see [myself written about], especially when it’s not nice, they must assume that I’m on top of the world or something. That’s the weird thing when you’re written about: For the most part, you’re just like everyone else, except that because you’re the subject of a story, people assume you’re not like them.

That’s not to say that you can’t get so famous that you cease to be like everyone else. I don’t think Tom Cruise, for example, is like everyone else. He’s probably gotten to a level of fame that’s affected him and made him truly different. But my fame isn’t that big. I have a modest amount of literary fame, that’s all.

I have a sense of humor about everything about myself. The thing that’s funny is that people don’t get that I’m in on the joke; I think all of this can be a little silly. I’m kind of your basic person. It’s weird when things get distorted. Nobody is as horrible [as some articles suggest]. I try to say “please” and “thank you.” I really don’t have a terribly glamorous life. It would be nice if it were that glamorous, I guess. But it’s not like that.

Where do you see yourself in ten years?

I’m not sure. I hope I’m still doing this. I also I hope that I’ve written a couple more books. That’s the nice thing about Prozac Nation’s success. I think people are often afraid to ask me if it’s all in the past.

Is it?

No. I just feel lucky it happened once. Now I don’t have to wait around for something like that to happen again. Now that I’ve had some literary success, I can just enjoy what I like doing.

CLICK HERE for Part 1 of our interview with Elizabeth Wurtzel .

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Post image for Nevada Judge Puts OJ in the Can

Disgraced football star Orenthal James Simpson said that he was “stupid and sorry,” but that excuse didn’t wash with Clark County District Court Judge Jackie Glass, who sentenced Simpson to a minimum of 15 years in prison for charges stemming from a 2007 confrontation in a Las Vegas hotel room.

A jury found Simpson guilty of armed robbery, kidnapping and assault earlier this year after he and co-defendant C.J. Stewart made an armed bid to retrieve sports memorabilia Simpson claimed belonged to him.

Judge Glass, who called the evidence against Simpson “overwhelming,” said she began the case wondering if the former football legend was arrogant or ignorant. In sentencing Simpson, Glass concluded that he was both. Glass also made clear that although many onlookers had strong feelings about Simpson’s 1995 acquittal for the murder of his ex-wife and Ronald Goldman, that case had no bearing on her sentencing determination.

There is no word yet on whether or not Simpson plans to appeal. But should he try to challenge his conviction, Glass made clear that he would not remain free on bond during that process. [ABC News]

[Check out OJ Simpson Trial: Where Are They Now? for a look current at the top 10 participants from OJ’s 1995 murder trial.]

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Five Ways to Say Grace

by Michael Estrin on November 27, 2008 in Columns

Post image for Five Ways to Say Grace

What’s Thanksgiving without a little grace? Nancy Grace, that is. We thought about telling you what we were thankful for this year, but that just isn’t very bitter. So, instead we decided to share our favorite clips from America’s top cable news lawyer—Nancy Grace.

1. Who is Nancy Grace?

This lawyer turned cable news pundit lost on “Jeopardy!” to Regis Philbin and Carson from “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.”

2. Touch of Grace

Okay, we lied. We are thankful. Thankful that Nancy Grace is no longer working as a prosecutor. Get ready for the worst interview. Ever.

3.  Saturday Night Grace

We love Amy Poehler’s impression of Nancy Grace, but after watching hours of the cable news pundit, we’re wondering why Lorne Michaels doesn’t just put the real Nancy Grace on “SNL.”

4.  Goodness Gracious

Who needs Black’s Law Dictionary when we have Nancy Grace to keep us straight on those pesky terms of art?

[Video No Longer Available]

5.  DisGraceful

Nancy Grace outraged. Paris Hilton in a bikini. This was supposed to be Thanksgiving, but it looks like everyday is Christmas on the internet.

God is great, God is good. Let us thank Him for our Nancy. Amen.

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Post image for Nine Bitter Details on Eliot Spitzer

Nine Bitter Details on Eliot Spitzer:

We thought we had heard the last of Eliot Spitzer earlier this month when departing U.S. Attorney Michael J. Garcia told The New York Times why he declined to bring charges against the former New York governor in the infamous prostitution case. But then Ashley Dupré, the girl who allegedly had an encounter with Client 9, broke her silence, telling 20/20 and People Magazine that she’s a “normal girl.”

We’ll let the “normal girl” claim slide since we don’t have any actual knowledge of high-class prostitutes here (we swear). But we do know quite a bit about lawyers, and Spitzer was no ordinary lawyer, which is why we put together Client 9’s most bitter details.

1.  Client 9 was a BigLaw veteran

Having spent two years at Paul, Weiss, Rifkind, Wharton & Garrison after earning his JD from Harvard Law, he also spent two years at Skadden after working for the Manhattan DA’s office.  And that’s quite a bio, but we’d probably file the sex scandal thing under “community outreach” in the activities/hobbies section of Spitzer’s new resume.

2.  Client 9 is wicked smart

He reportedly scored a perfect 180 on his LSAT and 1590 (out of 1600) on his SAT.  Nobody’s perfect all the time.

3.  Client 9 worked on Claus von Bulow’s appeal

While attending Harvard Law School, Client 9 was one of several students who worked for Professor Alan Dershowitz on Claus von Bulow’s appeal. Von Bulow’s conviction for attempting to murder his socialite wife was overturned, and Dershowitz later told Time Magazine that Spitzer “always wants to do what’s right.” Talk about a reversal of fortune.

4.  Client 9 helped end the Gambino crime family

The Gambinos lost their stranglehold on New York City’s garment and trucking industries.  How did he get the evidence he needed after numerous attempts at planting wire taps were snuffed out? Spitzer came up with the idea of opening a sweatshop and letting the mob come to him. Unfortunately, the investigation took longer than expected, which put the Manhattan DA’s office in the awkward position of running an unprofitable sweatshop for several months.  Good thing Spitzer wasn’t trying to take down a mob prostitution ring. That investigation may never have ended.

5.  Ashley Dupré says she didn’t know that Client 9 was NY Gov. Eliot Spitzer

What Dupré did know about Spitzer was that he was “polite” and “strictly business.” Way to keep it classy, Spitz.

6.  There are several Facebook groups that pay tribute to Client 9

Such group include “Elliot Spitzer can be my Pimp,” “C’mon Spitzer, keep it in your pants!” and “Prostitutes for Governor Eliot Spitzer.” And just because your law career went down in flames doesn’t mean we won’t accept your Facebook request to join our group, Eliot.  Don’t be a stranger.

7.  Client 9 used the alias George Fox

Spitzer was George Fox when he checked into room 871 of the Mayflower Hotel in Washington, DC.  But that wasn’t the first (and probably not the last) sex scandal to take place at the Mayflower.  It played host to Monica Lewinsky when her affair with President Bill Clinton was making headlines.  So, um.  Maybe the DC vice squad should setup a permanent stakeout at the Mayflower.  Just an idea.

8.  Client 9 wasn’t the only high-profile man caught in the Emperor’s Club sex ring

Britain’s Duke of Westminster was alleged to be Client 6.  But since when are the Brits allowed to screw around in the U.S.?  Doesn’t anyone respect the Monroe Doctrine anymore?

9.  According to reports, Client 9 spent up to $80,000 on prostitutes

But those same reports also point out that the prostitutes made as much as $31,000 per day.  It looks like BigLaw salaries and bonus have nothing on the Emperor’s Club compensation plan.

Check out other lists, tallies and scores to settle in Bitter by Numbers.

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Post image for Robert Williams, CEO, Conversive, Inc.

Current title and employer?

Chairman and Chief Executive Officer, Conversive, Inc.

Sounds fancy, but what do you really do?

I run a software company. Most of the time, that means I’m the den mother for a bunch of people trying to accomplish a bunch of different tasks at the same time without screwing each other up. My job is to keep them all running in the same direction. In a really good week, they not only move in the same direction, their movements mutually reinforce one another and the company takes another step forward. In a great week, I have enough time left over to actually promote the company’s message, build our visibility and talk with our clients.

Law school?

Boalt Hall.

Does anyone care where you went to law school or what your class rank was?

No one cares about any of that stuff in my business. Or in the real world, for that matter. It’s not as though I work with dumb people who don’t appreciate academic accomplishments. It’s just that where I am now those achievements have very little applicability. The law is unique in many ways. It really is a continuation of academia by other means. Resumes count. Your “brand” as a lawyer builds on a foundation of your law school, journals, clerkships, etc. But you’re not going to be a better manager than the next guy because you were on Law Review. Those things just don’t matter. Where I am, it’s more like my tribe of software geeks and I are trying to cross the Sinai and get to the land of sustainable revenues before hostile tribes eat our lunch or possibly even us. You’re either doing it or you’re not. Your ideas live and die on a day-to-day basis, and your credibility lives or dies with them. If you’re not getting there, no one’s going to feel any better about you just because you graduated in the top 5% of your class.

What firms did you work at?

Graham & James

Then Riordan & McKinzie

Both have been scooped up by mega-firms.

Practice area?

Corporate. I started out buying America for the Japanese at Graham & James. Then I worked in corporate finance at Riordan & McKinzie. Our principal clients were VCs, LBO funds and their portfolio companies. So we did everything—private financings, M&A, IPOs, etc.

Worst memory of being a lawyer?

Probably looking at my one-year-old son sleeping. I had been working on a deal, and I realized that I hadn’t seen him awake in two weeks and hadn’t seen him in the daylight in over a month.

Best memory of being a lawyer?

I did a deal with one of the partners at Riordan, who was actually a great guy. We finalized negotiations in New York and then closed the deal in Bermuda. I spent all night getting the docs ready for the closing. We closed in the morning surrounded by all these bankers wearing cranberry shorts, black shoes and socks. I had a couple of hours to go riding around the island on a moped looking for pink sand beaches before the closing dinner at a picturesque restaurant. It in no way resembled any other deal that I’ve ever worked on.

Describe your “I have to get the f*** out of here” epiphany?

There were many. I came out of law school straight into a recession. I learned very quickly to be concerned about the capabilities and priorities of law firm management. Like someone who knows their marriage won’t last right after they walk down the aisle, there were many, many moments of clarity while I was looking for the exit. I was shocked, overall, by what poor businesspeople most lawyers are. I also started to look at the telephone very differently. I realized that after 4:00 in the afternoon, and especially on Fridays, the telephone had a right end and a wrong end. Like a gun. And I was on the wrong end.

However, there was one moment of confirmation that was a real biggie. There was an associate a couple of years ahead of me, who I worked with a lot. Columbia Law school, Harlan Fiske Stone Scholar, brilliant, blah, blah, blah. But even more than that, this guy pulled insane hours. He was like Superman. When we did a securities filing, we wouldn’t just send it in electronically—this guy would get on the redeye and file the damn hard copy in person at the SEC the next morning. Then he’d fly home in time to bill some more hours that afternoon. He was the guy who always remembered obscure regulations at opportune moments, had perfect analysis, was an absurdly efficient worker and the clients loved his guts.

And he got passed over for partner.

I took one look at that scenario, and I knew that I was screwed. Not just a little screwed—completely dead. It was obvious that even if your performance was outstanding, the law firm remained a rigid hierarchy where you had to have sponsorship. Doing great work is not enough. I knew that to thrive in that environment I would have to kiss up in a very serious way to some people that I deeply detested. And let’s face it. There aren’t that many people that you are really, sincerely going to like after spending more than 2,000 hours a year in their company. The notion of pulling big hours and then electively spending extra time at work sucking up was just a non-starter for me. It became very clear that I wasn’t going to be able to make a life out of that.

Any advice for bitter lawyers out there looking to change careers?

First, take a personal inventory of what kind of non-lawyer qualities you have. In other words, what do you really want to do, and what are you good at? Is it really the practice of law that you dislike, or just practicing law in a firm? For many attorneys, the big company in-house counsel route can be very appealing. It does put you on the right side of the telephone on Friday afternoons. If you decide that you really don’t want to practice law, then you’d better figure out what else you’re good at and how can you make a living at it.

Second, realize it’s going to take a lot of time. That means both that it is probably a process of years and that you have to devote time to it constantly. Stop schmoozing partners and start networking with people in your areas of interest.

Finally, you should realize that you are going to be taking on more risk. A lot more risk. Financial risk, reputational risk, social risk. Just to be clear here, we are not talking about market risk, secular risk or anything else that is abstract, or that can be diversified away with good portfolio management. We are talking about the very, very real probability that you personally will fail. If you learn to accept that risk is inevitable, you may also find that sometimes the best exit is the most audacious one. Write a bestseller, or start a new political party, or become the world’s best wine critic. Lawyers have done all of those things, and let me tell you, they didn’t care what their partners said about them after they were gone. It’s a big world out there and no one cares if you made Law Review.

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Post image for Angelina Jolie: Don’t Adopted Babies Count for Anything?

Angelina Jolie’s face may be worth millions of dollars, but as far as the Brits are concerned, she can keep it to herself. At least when it’s oiled up and flaunting ammo on a movie poster.  Reports from the UK have confirmed that Britain’s media watchdog, the Advertising Standards Authority (ASA), has banned two posters of Jolie’s latest flick, Wanted, after citizens complained that the ads promoted guns and violence.

One of the posters showed Jolie splayed across the top of a car, sporting a gun, and the other showed her crouching down, aiming a gun upward. The ASA claims that it banned the posters after receiving 17 complaints from people who “thought the ads were irresponsible because they glorify and glamorize gun crime at a time when there is increasing public concern in Britain about it.”

When reached for comment, British legal analysts agreed that only a culture full of prurient flesh peddlers would allow images of some young, hot, gun-toting national sex symbol to be thrown in its citizens faces day after day. Not the Brits, though. That’s not their scene. Their standards are too high. Their sense of propriety is too—oh, wait.  Um, nevermind.  [Reuters via

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New York Prefers Blondes

by Bitter Newsroom on September 4, 2008 in News

Post image for New York Prefers Blondes

A Manhattan federal judge made it official: Marilyn Monroe was a New Yorker.  This effectively ends years of litigation between the golden girl’s estate and the heirs of the photographer who took some of the most memorable shots of the star.

The decision “is a major victory for the children of Sam Shaw, the deceased photographer who captured countless pics of MM, including the iconic shot of the sexpot in a billowing white dress over a New York City subway grate.”

If considered a Californian, Monroe’s estate would have had rights to a cut of the proceeds from merchandise sold featuring photos of Monroe.  However, the recent ruling that she was officially a Big Apple resident benefits Sam Shaw, who has been selling T-shirts with her image, “from state laws that prevent anyone from licensing the rights to dead celebrities.”

The judge in this case justified the decision by taking into account that “her last income-tax filing was from New York, as well as the fact that she kept a fully furnished Manhattan pad.” Court papers also state that Monroe once told a friend that her time spent in California was merely for business purposes.

Legal sources close to the case, however, contend that the decision was really based on an obscure legal theory called the “Iconic Lover Domicile Doctrine,” which provides, in pertinent part, that if you have sex with enough legendary figures from a particular city, you are, ipso facto, a resident of that city.  Since Miss Monroe allegedly slept with such prominent NY institutions as Joe DiMaggio, Arthur Miller and Frank Sinatra, the decision in this case was particularly easy. [New York Post]

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Post image for David Duchovny: The XXX Files

Oh irony, you’re too cruel. And kind of gross: David Duchovny has checked into rehab for sex addiction. In a statement released yesterday by his lawyer, Stanton “Larry” Stein, the actor, who plays a sex-obsessed character on the Showtime series, Californication, said he went in voluntarily, adding: “I ask for respect and privacy for my wife and children as we deal with this situation as a family.”

Of course. And we all know that the quickest route to privacy and respect is to have your lawyer hold a press conference telling the world that you’re in rehab for being a sex freak.  [HuffPost]

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Post image for TV Review: Raising the Bar

RAISING THE BAR

Premieres Labor Day, TNT, 10 p.m.

Synopsis: Life of a righteous public defender and his friends, who just so happen to be prosecutors and judicial clerks.  And really cute.

Pedigree: A+.  Steven Bochco.  The Cravath, Swaine & Moore of television producers.  Emmy Award winning credits include L.A. Law, Hill Street Blues and NYPD Blue.  Not to mention, Doogie Howser, M.D..

Overview: Public Defender (played by Mark-Paul Gosselaar) clashes with crazy, right-wing judge to free innocent African American man wrongfully accused of rape.  The rational and gorgeous prosecutor (played by Melissa Sagemiller) understands the case is weak, and agrees to plead out the defendant to a less serious crime, but the wacko judge won’t accept the plea.  The Public Defender goes nuts in his pursuit of justice and gets thrown in jail for contempt.  In between the court battles, the prosecutors and public defenders hang out at the local bar and talk about their jobs.

High Points: Jonathan Scarfe, who plays a deliciously circumspect law clerk and Currie Graham, the charmingly heartless and randy chief prosecutor.

Low Points: Mark-Paul Gosselaar’s one-note, super-earnest pursuit of justice begins to wear thin; the legal plotline and judge’s absurd behavior (whether she’s crazy or not) is implausible; the legal and romantic plot turns feel obvious and conventional.

Verdict: It’s not Mr. Bochco’s best.  The acting is solid, if not brilliant, and the storytelling, though familiar, is interesting enough to entertain.  But if you’re one of those lawyers who can’t watch a legal show that plays fast and loose with the law, don’t bother.  You’ll go insane.

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Post image for Enzyte: Long Answer to a Short Question

The founder of male sexual enhancement product Enzyte, which reportedly used ads featuring “Smiling Bob,” the world’s happiest and most confident man, has led to a whopping jail sentence for the founder of Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals.

A judge sentenced the defendant, Steve Warshak, to 25 years in prison after he was convicted in February on 93 counts of conspiracy, fraud and money laundering. Federal prosecutors claim the company bilked customers out of $100 million through a series of deceptive ads, manipulated credit card transactions and refusal to accept returns or cancel orders. Judge Spiegel ordered the company, along with other defendants, to forfeit more than $500 million–a figure based on how much Warshak and the company took in.

“Steven Warshak preyed on perceived sexual inadequacies of customers.” Spiegel said one aspect of the fraud relied on the reluctance of customers to come forward, which would mean admitting they ordered the sexual enhancement pills.

Prosecutors contend, however, that the most compelling aspect of the case is the unequivocal validation of the age-old maxim:  Size matters.  “The best part of this case is that we can finally put to bed the notion that men don’t care about penis size,” says Richard Johsnon, General Counsel for Size Matters, Inc., a national nonprofit thinktank dedicated to proving that the actual size of a man’s genitals is indeed a primary component of his self-confidence and ability to satisfy a sex partner.  Representatives for It’s Not The Size Of The Boat, It’s the Motion Of The Ocean Council, its primary competitor, did not return Bitter Lawyer’s repeated requests for comment. [WSJ Law Blog]