criminal law

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The Art of Defense Lawyering

by Doug Stephan on January 23, 2012 in News

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Are you looking for a new nickname? Do you like committing felonies? Do you punch guys you date in the testicles after they accuse you of stealing from them? If you were thinking about using “Bambam” as a nickname, too bad—it’s already taken. Savannah “Bambam” Rios is facing felony charges of kidnapping, robbery and sexual abuse stemming from a confrontation of a man she recently dated. The man accused Bambam of stealing some of his belongings. Bambam, in response, led the victim to a room, slapped him several times, pulled a knife and stated, “You wanna die?”

Then it gets weird.
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Father Knows Best

by Doug Stephan on January 16, 2012 in News

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An argment over a batch of burnt biscuits led to a man placing a meat cleaver under his son’s neck and threatening to kill him. Harry A. Woods III, 43, has been booked for aggravated battery following the alleged attack on his 24-year-old son. According to police, Woods’ daughter placed the biscuits in the oven then departed for a friend’s house. Woods’ son, also named Harry, was to watch the biscuits that would later be used for biscuits and gravy. This apparently fell on deaf ears, as the baked goods were forgotten. Woods the elder began arguing with his son and smashed a platter over his son’s head. Moreover, since he was hungry he apparently bit the finger of his son. Then he turned to the meat cleaver.
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Post image for Bitter Brief 27: Penis Pump Judging, Mississippi Law, and the IP of Power Rangers

[powerpress]

This week on The Bitter Brief, we discuss one stiff penalty for the penis pump judge, throw the book at a sugar-charged nine-year-old accused felon, and question Mississippi’s sanity. We also decide that it’s (morphin’) time to talk about the Power Rangers copyright suit!

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Post image for Mayhem, Mischief and 3 More Dubious Crimes

Occasionally we blow the dust off our law books and take a look at old crimes and misdemeanors to see how various laws and cases hold up today. Generally, the older laws are either not being used or, if they are, continue to maintain an air of the Old West. Or the King’s Bench. Today, we look at mischief, mayhem, and three others that have dubious current value.
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Post image for Legal Humor Roundup for October 11, 2011

It’s been a slow day for legal humor, but we have the usual dumbshit bank robbers, one using a furnace filter as a disguise and another unable to write a decipherable demand note for the teller. Plus, a legal interpretation of the ubiquitous “employees must wash hands” signs, and a depraved tale of self-help law school grade inflation. It’s the happy hour law review for Tuesday, October 11, 2011.
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Post image for Legal Humor Roundup for October 10, 2011

In a case that may spell doom for movie trailers worldwide, a woman and her attorney in Michigan have sued a film distribution company because the movie Drive failed to live up to the expectations of the movie trailer. Plus, a superhero is arrested in Seattle and more “real-life superheroes” try to live with the dark legacy of their movie brethren. And we couldn’t go a week without something happening to a drunk man in a Taco Bell drive-thru. It’s the happy hour law review for Monday, October 10, 2011.
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Post image for Legal Humor Roundup for October 4, 2011

Finnish lawyers ask “is this sexual harassment?” And Lowering the Bar reports on a man’s quest to hire someone to kill his girlfriend, including a plan to wear a bearskin and maul her to death. Plus, a schmuck named Schmuck gets caught tagging, snake shit served up in a domestic assault, and Namby Pamby wonders what court would be like under National Football League rules. It’s the happy hour law review for Tuesday, October 4, 2011.
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Post image for Legal Humor Roundup for September 29, 2011

Today we report on one man’s attempt to get the police off his butt by calling 911 during his own high-speed chase. And Lowering the Bar continues its “Good Reason to Kill” series with another entry involving Yahtzee. Plus, advice for armed robbers, man indicted for repackaging a package enlarger, and the lack of any proof that Utah’s “Zion curtain” does anything except make bartenders like me feel oh-so-special. It’s the happy hour law review for Thursday, September 29, 2011.
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I Want to be a Prosecutor

by Ex-Bitter on August 5, 2011 in Columns

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QI read your column a lot and know the site’s usually focused on BigLaw, but I wanted to ask if you have any advice about becoming a prosecutor. I’m a 2L at a third tier law school and I already know I love criminal law. I just love the feeling of winning trials (even if it is mock) and I’m a natural at both finding the case law for or against a defendant. I also clerked at a local law office and want to find out if there’s anything else I can do to put myself in a better position for the job. Yes, I understand my choice of school isn’t the best, but I know this is what I want to do and just need some slight guidance if you have any. Thanks.

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Post image for I Want to be a Criminal Defense Lawyer

QI am a junior in college, at a good (well reputable) private, liberal arts school, considering law school. I have friends who want to go to law school because it looks good, others because they don’t know what to do, others still that want to delay their inevitable entry into the real world, I, however, want to go to law school to practice law (at least I think I do).

I enjoy the show Law and Order (ok I know this isn’t much but law interests me), have several friends whose parents are attorneys (they seem interesting and happy), enjoy reading and writing, like being in school, and am fond of and good at helping people solve problems.  Further, I have a firm belief (based on my personal experience) that not all people accused of crimes are guilty. I want to help those people (and even the guilty ones) better their situation. That’s right, I said it, I want to be a criminal defense attorney (and work with juveniles as a criminal attorney/legal advocate as well).

I don’t want to make a lot of money although I want to own a house, put my kids through college, maybe have a sports car some day, etc. I don’t mind working hard (if it is something I enjoy I even like it) and I don’t have aspirations to work for a big law firm. I would be very happy in a medium sized firm in the Seattle, WA area eventually earning enough money to retire and die someplace warm. I think this will require me to be earning (during my top earning years) $150,000-200,000/year.

I won’t be the brightest guy in law school, but I won’t be far behind (I know, with some work, I could be in the top half), and my grades are good enough to get into a second tier law school (top 50). I will be looking at taking out loans to the tune of $120,000. Am I out of my mind to expect the lifestyle mentioned above? Are my chances in law (especially with the economy now) dismal at best? I would appreciate a healthy-helping of that honest advice you are good at dishing out. Thank you!!

AYou might be the first person ever to have expressed a genuine, credible reason for wanting to go to law school! Good on ya, lad!

With that said, here’s my healthy-helping of honest advice: Go to law school! You WANT to be a lawyer. You want to practice criminal law and help the wrongfully accused, disadvantaged, etc. That’s as good a reason as any. In fact, it’s a helluva lot better than most reasons to go to law school.

Having said that, there are some things to consider. One, young criminal defense lawyers don’t make much money. Most start in the Public Defender’s office where the starting pay, depending on where you live, is between 25K and 50K. So don’t expect to make 150-200K for quite some time – or to pay off those student loans until your fifty or so. To make big money in criminal law, you need a big-time reputation and lots of well-heeled criminal clients. Think white-collar crime, my brother. That’s where the money is.

If you love what you do, the money will ultimately take care of itself. Whether you eventually make 100K or 300K, that’s impossible to handicap at the moment. The real question is simply this: Do you want to be a lawyer? If the answer is yes, go for it.