prosecutor

Chronicles of a Government Lawyer: The Small Town

by Martine Jean on January 25, 2012 in Columns

I love working for the government. Nothing compares to the breadth of experience I got during my initial years as a government lawyer. Certainly nothing could have prepared me for my very first court appearance either. Some things can only be learned through experience.

I’d like to say “it was a dark and stormy night” but no, it was a very bright and crisp Monday morning. I anxiously awoke at the break of dawn and headed off to a small, unremarkable town in Southern Ohio (name withheld to protect the innocent). After a three hour life threatening slide through the snow, I drove past the town square, stopped at the town’s only traffic light, and proceeded to park at a 25 cent per hour meter in front of the town courthouse/police station—easily identifiable since it was the only two story building with a flag on top.
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I Want to be a Prosecutor

by Ex-Bitter on August 5, 2011 in Columns

QI read your column a lot and know the site’s usually focused on BigLaw, but I wanted to ask if you have any advice about becoming a prosecutor. I’m a 2L at a third tier law school and I already know I love criminal law. I just love the feeling of winning trials (even if it is mock) and I’m a natural at both finding the case law for or against a defendant. I also clerked at a local law office and want to find out if there’s anything else I can do to put myself in a better position for the job. Yes, I understand my choice of school isn’t the best, but I know this is what I want to do and just need some slight guidance if you have any. Thanks.

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I Hate Being a Prosecutor, but I’m so Damn Good at It

by Ex-Bitter on March 9, 2010 in Columns

QI graduated from a tier-1 school in 2003. I spent the entire three years of law school fighting with my (now ex-) wife, and my grades suffered for it. I finished in the middle of my class with a 2.75.

Though I concentrated heavily on international law classes, I simply did not have the GPA to get one of those BigLaw jobs out of school. Following an internship, I landed a job as a prosecutor—even though I never cared for criminal law.

Now, seven years later, I am still prosecuting people and can’t stand the job. However, I am surprisingly good at it. I’ve only lost two jury trials in my career.

I have looked for opportunities in other areas of law that I’m more interested in, but despite what I was told in law school, law firms STILL only consider applicants with better class ranks. They could care less about what I’ve accomplished since. So, after some time, I gave up and began looking for a way out of the profession entirely.

Then, I found a niche that sparked my interest in the law again. Because I did not have the necessary background for it, I began a Master’s program at an Ivy-caliber university part time. I’m now almost finished, and I’m looking for jobs in that sector. However, all of the ads still require a high class rank and a law school transcript—even after 10 years of experience.

It seems like I am wasting my time. Am I doomed to a limited practice no matter what I do from here on out? Should I just save my money and get out of the Master’s program? Must I leave the practice all together? Thanks.

ANewsflash: The legal profession is snobby. However, it’s never snobbier than when you’re coming out of law school and trying to land your first job. As for your question, you say you’re a prosecutor, but you don’t like criminal law, yet you’re really good at it…

To he honest, I have no goddamn idea what kind of job you’re looking for (or what type of law you want to practice), so it’s tough to give specific advice here. But I’ll assume you’re tired of making government wages and want a job in the private sector.

Hate to say it, but I can see the 2.75 GPA in your writing? It’s vague, ambiguous… Not great attributes for a lawyer. Especially a lawyer looking to work in BigLaw.

Anyway, here’s the deal: Being a prosecutor for seven years gives you great courtroom/life experience. It makes you an interesting chap to hang out with at a dinner party, but it doesn’t make you an interesting chap to a BigLaw Hiring Partner because courtroom experience is damn near irrelevant for associates.

BigLaw wants associates with writing and research ability. That’s the skill set they covet for litigators—and that’s the skill set that prosecutors don’t develop well. For the most part, criminal law motions are very standard and pro forma. Courtroom presence and “thinking on your feet” are valued more than elegant and nuanced legal writing. So, unfortunately, your years at the DA’s office don’t count for much in the area you’re looking.

My advice is to look for a job at an insurance defense firm. They’re in court all the time, trying cases and arguing motions. It’s not glamorous, but you can make decent money—and your DA background will actually help you get in the door.

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Bitter News, 9-21-09

by Bitter Newsroom on September 21, 2009 in News

Headlines from the Bitter Newsroom that make the 11th biggest lie in history:

• Headline reads: “Gritty 80-yr-old is probably city’s oldest law student.” Probably? The city’s? Don’t want to step out on a limb and expand the geographic scope of that statement a smidgen? You’re already using the word “probably.” For the love, he’s so old he couldn’t find grade records from his 1967 undergraduate degree. And what kind of backhanded adjective is “gritty” anyway? How the hell does that word factor? Regardless, here’s Uddhav Alkari, the 80-year-old Mumbai University law student. [Mumbai Mirror]

• Don’t’ tell Courtoons’ David Mills this, but apparently it’s hard to be an aspiring U.S. Attorney candidate when you’ve published drawn caricatures of your state’s senate minority leader wearing a cheerleader uniform. At least that’s what Louisville, KY lawyer Marc S. Murphy is realizing. He’s been discussed to run for U.S. Attorney, but his series of editorial cartoons for the Louisville Courier-Journal are maybe standing in his way because political officials he’s featured in his work don’t find him hilarious. [Main Justice]

• “Gone are the days when landing at a big law firm meant a long legal career.” And none of the new business models (ie: virtual law firms and solo shingle hanging) are realistic options for the newly minted seeking experience. That’s why panelists at the University of San Francisco Law School hashed out future ideas for young, wannabe-associates and offered such constructive feedback as, “You folks are going to have to figure out how to reengage yourselves.” Hmm, thx! [San Francisco Business Times]

• Answer: This £90 ($150) lingerie-and-blouse stipend is provided to senior female attorneys at British law firms such as Clifford Chance. Question: What is the “90 Nicker Knicker Allowance?” I’ll take BigLaw Unmentionables for $200, Alex. [Schott Blog via NYT]

• The simmering dish of Am Law 100 firms boiling down into a “Global 10” is certainly not vegan when you mix the “ranks of the Magic Circle” with the “cream of the U.S.” Sounds like a legal economic crisis chowder. [The Am Law Daily]

• A secretary, 43-year-old Mary Merten (who’s for sure a real world 6, law firm 9), has been charged in connection with the theft of more than $700,000 from corporate and personal accounts at the New York law firm where she worked. But out to steal Mary’s thunder is George Michael Perez. He admitted to the FBI that he defrauded the law firm where he was employed out of over $1 million. In a related story: Matthew Richardson has requested Mary’s number. [Newsday]

• You think being a laid-off or underpaid lawyer is harsh? At least you’re not the focus of debates about your original birth gender. Teenage South African runner Caster Semenya has a lot to run from in record time: Mainly anyone looking for a moose knuckle in her runners tights. She’s been ordered to undergo gender testing for purposes of competing, and Dewey & LeBoeuf’s sports law stud Jeffrey Kessler, who argued a legless man into the Beijing Olympics, is repping her pro bono. Best line in the article: “As for the nuts and bolts of the case…” Well, we hold these nuts to not be self-evident. [The Am Law Daily]

• An NYU law student can’t navigate something as simple as signing a lease—and here’s the long-winded story to prove it. [The New York Times]

• The WSJ Law Blog brought up a good quote today from William Shakespeare’s The Taming of the Shrew: “And do as adversaries do in law, Strive mightily but eat and drink as friends.” Loosely translated, it means you shouldn’t try to hire a hitman for $10K to kill a rival attorney you’ve known since 1982. Not cool, Irby Walker. Not cool. [TheSunNews.com]

• Ending your marriage in the divorce capital of London doesn’t always mean the man is going to get his bank accounts drained to support his ex. Women are getting progressively walloped now too as the legal system becomes less biased about the belief that “vulnerable women needed protection from men.” Some say if you do want to avoid all the financial risk, just don’t get married in the first place. “I would bet most family lawyers give that advice several times a year these days.” And I would bet they don’t. [Times Online]