I love Halloween. It’s got hot women, candy, and free drinks. If you’re a girl and you can’t make yourself look hot and slutty on Halloween, you should probably move to England—because everyone there is ugly anyway. This Halloween I planned to do the same exact thing I do every Halloween: spend the weekend lying to random girls and picking up digits for the winter.
Although New York is the best city in the world, the weather sucks. There’s pretty much a direct correlation between the weather and how much ass you can get. In the summertime, the chicks are on fire and so are your chances of getting laid. But once those sweaters start coming on in October, you can kiss your steady diet of random goodbye. That is why Halloween is such a critical night.
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A new Wall Street Journal article found a high number of corporate clients refusing to pay for first or second-year associate work. There were a couple of ideas thrown out as to how to solve this. One of them relating to adopting a UK-type apprenticeship program. I hate the British, and I don’t like the idea of us doing anything they do. Isn’t that why we drive on the right and put our door handles on the right? I figured I’d throw my hat in the ring with a few foolproof ways to solve this problem. Yes, I agree it’s a problem. First-year associates are almost entirely worthless, except for the attractive ones.
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Occupy Wall Street. I like it. In theory. Except for the “Occupy” part. Seems very passive, maybe there are some other things they can be doing other than hula-hooping and playing crappy folk music, right? Being a corporate lawyer who basically sucks from the teat of Wall Street, I’m tempted not to bite the hand that feeds me, so instead of actually joining those hippy losers, I decided to post a list of some fairly notable protests and how they would translate down to Wall Street. Maybe the protesters could use some of these pointers.
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Today I learned that I was the only person on earth who didn’t know who Amanda Knox was. Or at least that’s what everyone wants you to think these days, that they are up on all the latest in hot chick murder trials. But come on, can someone else please admit this is the first they heard of this person? I read the newspaper as much as the next guy (rarely) and I’m on the HuffPos and Facebook and Twitter wire (often), yet her name barely registered for me until yesterday. Then, suddenly, she’s a pop culture phenom. Much like her BFF, Casey Anthony, everyone seemed to know everything about this girl overnight. Where she gets her eyebrows done, where she buys her cutlery, how many roommates she didn’t kill, etc.
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So far I still haven’t seen a new show that looks like something that’s gonna be a fixture on my DVR. But, I have found some shows that would make for a good gag gift DVD at a Secret Santa exchange though. These next two shows that premiered this week, Whitney and Pan Am, would also make very good “I wanna break up with you” gifts.
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I’m not gonna lie, Matthew Richardson is a TV junkie. I get as excited for new fall shows as I do for a new group of female summer associates. Well, almost. So when I set the DVR last night I was almost overwhelmed with options. For you highly-employed associates who didn’t get home from the office until this morning, here’s the Richardson take on three shows that just premiered.
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As a mediocre midlevel at a top law firm, I haven’t really considered plans for my “future.” I always sort of let the tide take me to this place of bitterness. However, many of my friends are starting to make “plans.” Actually, it seems like most of them have already mapped out their lives.
Of my closest 4 friends from law school: One moved to a small firm outside of NY because he’s married with kids (and therefore dead to me), two have moved to smaller firms in Miami because it’s a better life and they are from there and they are basically cheesy Miami dudes at heart (not dead to me, because I need a place to stay in Florida), and one works at a BigLaw firm in NYC, but he’s looking to get out asap. He’s the one that is actually causing me to stress out, because he just enlightened me to the devaluation of a midlevel scale.
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As summer starts heating up, I have to decide whether I’m gonna break two of my rules. Things that I decided I was not gonna do anymore while I still have a job in the shithole economy:
1. Bang any summer associates.
2. Attend any wedding of my asshole colleagues.
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“My favorite time of year has arrived. Late spring. The flowers are blooming, the sun is shining, the skirts are short and the 2010 Summer Program is around the corner. As we all know, I struggle to resist the temptation of luring a hot female summer back to my lair for a night of meaningless sex.”
How Not to Sleep with a Summer Associate
