With the bar exam rapidly approaching, I thought it was time to give you a little Richardson guidance. Here is my list of Reasons Why You Will Pass the Bar (the Jordans) and my list of Reasons Why You Won’t (the Lebrons). Be honest with yourself. If you fit into the passing category, pat yourself on the back and grab a nice Colt 45 beer from the fridge and relax. If you fit into the Fail Category, grab the old Colt 45 handgun that your grandpa gave you and … well, you get the idea.
Unethical & Amoral
I hate golf. These are just a few of the things I’d rather do than play it:
- Get my ass waxed
- Attend a CLE seminar
- See a Kate Hudson movie
- Work for an Asian Partner
But that wasn’t always the case. A few years back I actually enjoyed playing golf and was getting fairly decent at it. But then, much like my career, it hit a plateau, and I got lazy and accepted my fate.
A few months back we had our annual training. If you go to another city for a training seminar and don’t give a 100% effort at trying to bang a random whore, I don’t want to know you. It’s a simple plan. You wake up, you sign your name on the list, then you disappear for two days of debauchery, making sure to emerge to sign out the following day. I tried getting a co-worker to sign in for me, but apparently that’s a breach of CLE rules. Dickwad. So I had to at least put in 20 minutes of learning before I snuck out. Fast forward to that evening, I ended up partying with some co-workers at a blues bar because that is standard work partying protocol, lawyers love jazz and blues bars. (My suggestion of an 8 ball and hookers fell on deaf ears.) So blues bar it was.
I think it’s high time I get back to sharing some shameful tales over the past year that you’ve missed out on. May as well start off with the worst one. Most of the stories, I’ve told make me seem pretty deplorably, and frankly, I am. But, I still have some minimal code of ethics, boundaries even I won’t cross. At least I thought I did. I stupidly crossed one recently and am still paying the price for it. A few months back I committed one of the cardinal sins a human being can commit. I slept with a married chick who is married to a guy I work with, and it’s costing me my sanity.
For all my griping about my secretary Nancy’s gross incompetence, if there is one positive word I would use to describe her, it is old-school. For fans of Mad Men, she was my Joan Holloway. Well, an ugly, fat, mole-y version, but you get the idea. She knew how things worked.
So when she was replaced around a month ago by a relative newbie—and an Asian to boot—I knew it did not bode well for me.
Truthfully, when some dudes from Minnesota who write a law firm marketing advice blog emailed me and told me they bought Bitter Lawyer and wanted me to come back, I thought it was a prank. I was like umm “have you actually read my column—not too much practical advice for the upstanding lawyer.” But I was intrigued (they offered me money), so I emailed them back.
My favorite time of year has arrived. Late spring. The flowers are blooming, the sun is shining, the skirts are short and the 2010 Summer Program is around the corner. As we all know, I struggle to resist the temptation of luring a hot female summer back to my lair for a night of meaningless sex.
However, this summer, I’m trying to avoid the temptation entirely.
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Obviously, when I look at the latest U.S. News and World Report law school rankings, I care about them much, much less than some unfortunate sap stuck in interview hell who’s trying to explain why he couldn’t do better than Thomas Cooley.
“Um, it just seemed like the best fit.”
That ain’t gonna land you a job that pays anywhere near six figures. With a decreasing number of slots at the high-paying shops and more and more people coming out of law school, it’s no wonder these rankings mean more than ever. But they’re still bullshit.
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In tribute to March Madness, I decided to write a tournament piece. No, not about the NCAA tournament, but an entirely fictional one I came up with. I’ve already narrowed down my 64 competitors to a lean Sweet 16. And trust me, just like this year’s NCAA tourney, some worthy opponents of the original 64 were knocked out early by Cinderellas.
The remaining Sweet 16 will face off in a systematical competition between the best and worst people at BigLaw Firm USA to see how each would fare in my imaginary tournament. Don’t forget to cheer on your favorites.
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