Temp is a Battlefield


The TemPimp works out of some suburban strip mall hell-hole in an office sandwiched between a rundown H&R Block and one of those ghetto Chinese food joints that also serves sushi.

I park my car, taking note of a blonde who reminds me of the Swiss Miss girl. But with a better rack. Apparently, she got the call too.

Inside is a career resource center for those without careers or resources. It reeks of cheap coffee and desperation.

I spot Swiss Miss reading a copy of the ABA Journal. She’s dressed to impress, like the hiring partner from Cravath is going to walk in and offer her an associate position.

I cruise over to the obese secretary I’ve nicknamed Mrs. Donut. I tell her how nice she looks in her sweater, how the frolicking reindeer bring out her eyes.

I present her with a box of Yum Yums, and she tells me what I need to know—the client needs only one more lawyer, and Swiss Miss, who has stellar temp credentials (an oxymoron if ever there was one), has the inside track because she has the 2:15 p.m. interview slot and I’m not up until 2:30 p.m.

In the world of legal temping, it’s all about first come, first served.

Sizing up my competition, I settle in next to Swiss Miss.

“Only gunners and half-wits read the ABA Journal,” I say. “Which are you?”

She buries her nose in the magazine, trying to ignore me.

“You look like a gunner,” I say over the munching sound of Mrs. Donut. “Nice slacks, tight black sweater, just enough cleavage to give someone at BigLaw a reason to take your resume.”

She drops the paper and looks down at her chest as I spot the clock on the wall—2:11 p.m.

“C cups, right?”

“Jerk.”

“They’re going to ask in there. Haven’t you worked with this agency before?”

“They’re going to ask about my bra? I don’t think so.”

“No, honey. They’re going to ask if you think it’s a good idea to dress so . . . so . . . .”

“So what?”

The clock turns 2:12 p.m.

“Oh, nothing,” I say. “You probably don’t want to hear any advice on workplace attire from me.”

I grab a Newsweek and leave Swiss Miss to her own self-defeating devices. But like all gunners, she just can’t help herself.

2:13 p.m.

“What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?”

I ignore her, pretending to focus on my magazine.

“Seriously, I need to know. Are temps expected to dress differently? I wear this outfit on job interviews.”

“Did you land any of those jobs?” I ask, putting down my magazine.

She frowns.

“Look, they don’t care what you wear. It doesn’t matter. But you don’t want to go in there looking like a piece of eye candy. The temping agency doesn’t need a simple placement turning into a sexual harassment lawsuit.”

“I didn’t know.”

“Well, now you do.”

She looks at the clock—2:14 p.m.

“I have another sweater in my car,” she says. “I need to change.”

Swiss Miss jumps up and lunges at Mrs. Donut.

“I need five minutes.”

“If you miss your appointment, you won’t be able to reschedule. I’m sorry.”

“Five minutes,” she pleads.

“Sorry. There’s nothing I can do.”

Swiss Miss looks at me.

“Go ahead and take my slot,” I say. And then I wink at Mrs. Donut, letting her know that it’s ok.

“Thank you,” Swiss Miss says.

“Go. You’re wasting time.”

She runs out the door as the clock strikes 2:15 p.m.

The familiar voice of the TemPimp sounds on Mrs. Donuts’ intercom.

Send in the next one.

Mrs. Donut ushers me in.

Ten minutes later, I emerge to see Swiss Miss sitting in her most conservative outfit.

“Good luck,” she says.

“Thanks,” I tell her as I hustle to the door.

“Maybe we can get coffee sometime so you can give me a few pointers?”

“See you at the office,” I say, betraying a slight smile.

Then I race to my car, start the engine and peel out of the parking lot before Swiss Miss realizes I took her job.

Temper(a)mental is written by a real legal temp. He has a license and a law degree. We checked. He’ll continue to post his “thoughts” in between doing “your work.”

Read more from Bitter Temp Guy.

21 Comments

  1. Pacific Reporter

    December 16, 2008 at 6:50 am

    This is a nice piece of fiction.

  2. BL1Y

    December 16, 2008 at 7:00 am

    Agree with Pacific Reporter.  Gunners don’t care about their peers’ opinions, and hot girls don’t ask out temp lawyers.

  3. Anonymous

    December 16, 2008 at 7:17 am

    If this dummy was smart, he’d give the Swiss Miss the job and give her his “pointer”.  So he got a 3 day job, but missed on on prime beef.  Not a good choice and that’s why he’s temping.  Douche bag!

  4. UK Lawyer

    December 16, 2008 at 7:35 am

    Define gunner

  5. Lady of Law

    December 16, 2008 at 9:05 am

    I’ve always been attracted to losers – but why do I find loser temp and his smug, overly confident ways so cute?  and not in a “oh, he’s steamy” way, but more of a “I think he’s cute” way.  I bet he’s a super nice guy who just purges the back of his brain here.

  6. Anonymous

    December 16, 2008 at 9:11 am

    Who said he could have gotten the girl?

  7. BL1Y

    December 16, 2008 at 9:27 am

    Lady of Law: Like I said, HOT girls don’t go out with temp lawyers.

  8. Lady of Law

    December 16, 2008 at 9:51 am

    BL1Y, I should have been more clear – I wouldn’t date him.  More just occasionally stare and observe him like a baby in neonatal or a penguin at the zoo and think “humm, he’s sort of cute” in a really patronizing way because part of me finds him cute and part of me takes pity.  it’s that feeling of “amused cute.” but I bet his apartment smells.

  9. BL1Y

    December 16, 2008 at 10:02 am

    Ouch, not even flab-assed undersexed Lady of Law would let BitterTemp stick her.

  10. Bill Dugan

    December 16, 2008 at 2:25 pm

    It sounds like Swiss Miss might have been interested in this D-Bag, at least to the extent she was interested in taking a few pointers from him.  Why he didn’t take her up on it is beyond me.  He could be porking her today, long after this lousy temp job was over.  Instead, he’s holding his own.  That is sad.  A man has got to know his limitations, including the ability to smell tail.

  11. Anonymous

    December 16, 2008 at 6:55 pm

    Lady of Law, where are you?

  12. Bill Dugan

    December 17, 2008 at 3:21 am

    Why the fascination with Lady of Law?  I think we need to think of women as more than someone with a flabby or a skinny ass.  Is that all what we want to judge our female counsels?  Women lawyers are bright, intelligent and hardworking, and we should view their bodies as something worth savoring, whether large or small.  If they take care of us, and our carnal desires, we should take care of them.

  13. BL1Y

    December 17, 2008 at 6:02 am

    Bill: Asking why they didn’t hook up is like asking why Frodo didn’t ride an eagle into Mordor and just drop the ring in and save everyone a bunch of time and trouble.

  14. Lady of Law

    December 17, 2008 at 11:07 am

    Oh, BL1Y, I’m starting to fall in loser lover with you like I am the Temp.
    Sincerely in carnal desire-filling flabby-assed love,

    Lady of Law

  15. Anonymous

    December 17, 2008 at 3:45 pm

    Lady of Law, just how fat and ugly are you?  I have never seen any woman so forward to a 1st year before.  Either you look like a moose, or youre carrying more than one STD.

  16. Anonymous

    December 17, 2008 at 4:23 pm

    Anonymous @3:45: You’d be lucky to bang a moose.

  17. BL1Y

    December 18, 2008 at 8:29 am

    Lady of Law: I’m not insulting you as an elementary school aged way of letting you know I like you.  I don’t like you.  I’m not trying to get you to like me.  I’m not trying to impress you.  I’m making fun of you because it amuses me and for no other reason.

  18. Bill Dugan

    December 19, 2008 at 4:48 am

    It sounds like BL1Y will not be hooking up with the Lady of Law after all.  That saddens me, because both seem to be in need of a good roll in the hay.  Now both will have to be alone, and unsatisfied.  Both have sexual impulses that should be addressed.  Are there any others interested in humping either BL1Y or Lady of Law?  If so, step forward.

  19. Lady of Law

    December 19, 2008 at 6:37 am

    Ah, thanks for the pimpin’, Bill!  What a dear.  So nice of you to help out a gal that not only weighs north of 250 (hurts to move!) and carries more than one STD (6!), but also can’t even tempt a first year into the cavernous webs of her unused lady parts.  See what you did to me Bitter Temp Guy?  In trying to give you a little pinch on the cheeks for your writing efforts, I got burned by all the handsome, dapper, gentlemen commenters.  Glad it’s Friday!  I need a box a wine.  Because that’s what moose do on Friday nights.  Thai take-out, 60 minutes, QT with a cat and a cube of pink deliciousness.  Enjoy your Swedish-hot dates tonight, boys.  I’ll be thinking of you. 

  20. Anonymous

    December 19, 2008 at 8:05 am

    Lady of Law, don’t be sad–we’ll send an army of apes over to service you.  But you must share your beef jerky with them, OK?  I think Bill is right.  A good f*** would do you good.

  21. Anonymous

    December 19, 2008 at 3:32 pm

    Anonymous at 8:05. You really need to deal with your issues. Let it go, man. Let it go.

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