The Best of Really Real News: May 2013

Your high school social studies teacher was right, current events can be fun! Take a look at a few of these real news stories from the past month.

5 Being a public official can be a frightening prospect. Especially being a prosecutor on a sex case in Italy, where the population thinks the only legitimate sex crime is not having enough. (Guilty as charged). Berlusconi Prosecutor Survives Being Attacked With World’s Slowest Bullets.

4 Chasing down criminals may seem glamorous in the movies, but we have all watched Cops. If that show has taught us anything, it is that the reality of a foot chase is normally an over-fed police officer coughing up a lung trying to chase down a 90 pound meth addict. (Also that if you drive with out a shirt on, you’re going to be pulled over, and you’re going to be on television). Luckily, sometimes the criminals make it easy. Man Flees from Police: Runs Into Police Station!

3 You can have my Pop-tart when you pry it from my cold dead hands. Well, now that we can take Charlton Heston’s guns, we have to worry about the new threat to a safe society… Gun shaped things. Gun Threats: The Untold Story of Legos and Pop-tarts.

2 Zoning board meetings are usually pretty exciting affairs. Especially where there is a hotly contested zoning issue regarding local strip clubs. It is refreshing to know that even in this time of alleged voter apathy, when the really important issues come up, citizens are ready to put on their thigh-high boots and get to work. Strippers Take the Gloves Off at Zoning Board Meeting.

1 Who hasn’t had an embarrassing “butt dial?” But next time you hear that mysterious voice coming from your pocket, rest assured that it could be worse. After all, Scott Simon’s “but dial” may lead him to spend the rest of his life in prison, or death in prison… However you want to look at it. Murder Betrayed by His Own Ass!

(photo: Cowboy Hands with Rope via Shutterstock)

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