The Bitter Lawyer Presidential Election


Which Harvard nerd should win on Election Day? One is a boring Con Law professor who sounds like, well, a boring Con Law professor; the other is the jackass boss from Office Space.  One guy is the pretentious dork who homebrew craft beer, the other has never drank a beer in his life. You know it is a bunch of Harvard dorks when President Obama, who wears sweatpants when playing basketball, is the tough guy (Tagg Romney excluded). Off the court, President Obama wears mom jeans . . . okay, well so does Mitt. Seriously, you both are millionaires; you can’t buy a normal pair of non-mom jeans? They do have nice suits and ties, but neither have cool personalized fleeces like Chris Christie. Nonetheless, on Election Day we must make a choice between the two barristers. Either way, so long as the commercials and emails stop, we all win. Except the Corn Dogging commercial. That can stay. I love corn dogs. However, there are better choices. America has had great leaders that deserve a write-in vote. Thus, without further adieu, we present the 2012 Bitter Lawyer Election.

Tom Beck — Deep Impact

The original African-American president. Beck was able to comfort the nation as the world was heading toward massive destruction. Since the Mayans claim the world is going to end soon, this may be the guy we want on the job. Also, Morgan Freeman has played God before, so he has the religious right vote. Going to be difficult to beat come Election Day.

Thomas J. Whitmore — Independence Day

If his stump speech is anything like his pre-attack speech, this would be a landslide. He was also willing to fly a fighter jet to save Earth. That’s a pretty nice thing to put on your election résumé. However, I feel like this storyline might be played out after hearing it time and time again on the stump (Hello John McCain). Plus, the White House did blow up under his watch so that is going to hurt his chances.

Josiah Bartlet — The West Wing

I am pretty sure Jed Bartlet would actually win this election. A Nobel Prize winning economist who is well-liked by independents — I hear Electoral College landslide. He has the dickishness of Romney with views more inline with Obama. He changed the Washington gridlock by creating a lot of traffic gridlock when he walked to Congress over a budget battle. He would lock up the Catholic vote and women tend to love him. He did lie to the American people about his sickness but it seems we are okay being lied to so it might actually be a boost to him. Either way, my personal vote would be for Bartlet.

David Palmer — 24

An graduate of Maryland Law School, Palmer’s likeability would probably be high following his numerous assassination attempts. However, this is a tough call. David Palmer would be hammered by Fox News for “making America weak” since there were way too many terrorist attacks under his tenure. Plus, his wife is crazy and there were numerous rumors of his family killing people and covering it up. That’s going to hurt. But so long as Jack Bauer is with him, people might be too scared to not vote for him. (Yes, I know he was assassinated, but this is fiction so whatever.)

James Marshall — Air Force One

Finally the ‘Merican badass we are looking for in this election. Sure, fixing the economy is the most important aspect of this election but if Romney is right, and Russia is our biggest foe, we need someone to stand up to Putin. Who is going to do that? Sweatpants Obama? A guy named after impractical gloves? Putin doesn’t even wear gloves and he lives in frickin’ Russia. No worries if Marshall is our Prez. He has already taken out a Russian terrorist on Air Force One, so the next four years will be no problem. I can hear the Marshall slogan now: “Vote for Me or Get Off My Plane!”

What do you think? Vote below. Did I miss anyone? Well, write them in.

Post image via Shutterstock.

Douglas Stephan is a solo attorney and owner of the Law Office of Douglas A. Stephan. He received his JD in 2010 from Ohio Northern University and BA from Ohio University. His practice is located outside of Dayton, Ohio. You can follow him on Twitter @stephanlaw.

1 Comment

  1. Ashley Casas

    November 6, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    Of course Jed Bartlet is a sure winner. He’s my personal favorite. You didn’t include the president from 2012. He seemed such a lovable person. But of course, he failed to save the earth from its doom. SO I guess that would also hurt him.

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