The Lawyer’s Workout

It is often difficult to find time to workout with the busy schedules attorneys keep. You could be one of the psychos who wake up at 4:00 am to hit the gym before work. You could be the envy running joke of the office and sit on a giant swiss ball. Perhaps you are the hip associate who is doing Crossfit. Don’t forget that the first rule of Crossfit is to tell everyone you are doing Crossfit. Nonetheless, it’s time to start talking about how you should start getting in shape. No worries, Han Bitter Solo and Bitter Lawyer have you covered with a full body 5 day workout plan.

Monday: Cardio

WHO THE EFFF SCHEDULED A HEARING FOR 8:30 ON A MONDAY MORNING?!? First of all, Mondays should be cancelled. However, on this special day, not only do you have to go into the office but you are immediately told by a partner he needs you to cover his hearing for him. The sprint from your car, up the stairs into the courthouse and finally bursting through the courtroom’s door is a nice way to start the week. Now if I can only get my pulse under 100 before I have to start speaking in front of my peers that would be nice. Oh and I’m sweating . . .  great.

Tuesday: Back

It’s discovery season in the office. The good news: I am going to be taking the lead in the deposition on Friday. The bad news: I now get to lug giant boxes full of medical reports up from the basement and into my closet office. I know I am suppose to be lifting with my legs but the more I read these fake doctors chiropractor’s reports the more I bend and snap my way around the storage room.

Wednesday: Abs

Huge jury trial today. Nothing too serious, just 5 – 10 years of my client’s life is depending on it. I’m pretty sure if I lose I am going to get shanked by one of his family members. Oh and let’s not forget that he is 100000% guilty but refused to take any plea deal. Yep looks like I will be spending the morning vomiting up my breakfast. Beach season is right around the corner.

Thursday: Legs

The elevator is out in the building today. Awesome. I always wanted to see how bad my hammies would feel after climbing 11 flights of stairs. Not to mention that today I had multiple hearings and meetings outside of the office. On my third trip I was starting to feel the burn. By my fifth trip I required breaks every four floors. After my lunch break I was Googling stair lift infomercials and by the end of the day I just debated just biting the bullet and rolling down the stairs like a slinky.

Friday: Arms

What a week. That jury trial earlier this week. Shitty. That deposition today. Shitty. It might have been that my case was a steaming pile or that I couldn’t really focus considering I couldn’t move my legs after yesterday’s stair master session. Nonetheless, I didn’t get shived by my client on Wednesday so it is time to celebrate. Time to pull up a barstool (which is good because standing isn’t an option with my stumps right now) and grab a big gulp. 12 oz bicep curls . . . at least 15 sets. And let’s not forget to take some shots. Tequila is the plyometrics of drinking.

Post image courtesy of Shutterstock.

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