The Ten Students You Meet in Law School

2The Master Debater. A typical conversation with him goes like this:

My parents always told me I should be a lawyer. You know why? Because I love to argue. I argue all the time about everything. And I always win arguments. Seriously, I’ve never lost an argument.

What he means: He’s a social retard who fights over everything and absolutely refuses to admit when he’s wrong. His parents wanted him to be a lawyer so he would finally find someone else to argue with and maybe stop being such an asshole all the time.

Listen for the following red flags repeated intermittently throughout his precious arguments: “Clearly,” “obviously,” and “it’s completely unreasonable to think that…”

What you won’t hear: References to facts, cases, statutes, or any other recognizable, non-self-centric authority.

When he loses his very first argument—which he will—one of two things will happen: (1) He will fall into a deep, inconsolable, self-loathing depression; (2) like Obi-Wan, he will become a bigger asshole than you can possibly imagine, blaming the loss on anything and everything except his own lack of ability.

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73 Comments

  1. BL1Y

    June 14, 2010 at 9:21 am

    It’s amazing how often the Mighty Mouse and the Drifter are the same person.  There’s always the one kid with all As who seems to only smoke so much pot to give the other kids a fair chance at competing.  This is the kid Scalia was talking about when he said we’re wasting too many of our smartest people on law school.

  2. ...

    June 14, 2010 at 9:34 am

    It’s out of your “sight”, not “site”.

  3. KateLaw

    June 14, 2010 at 9:43 am

    You forgot Gunner Extraordinaire…,. the guy/girl who takes every opportunity to talk and analyze any issue raised by the prof -solicited or not.  They’re not only annoying with their self-important, superfluous bs ramblings, but they have a nasally voice too.
    We had a girl named Missy in law school.  She was a tall blonde with fake boobs and a swarovski crystal-adorned lap top.  Ended up being an editor on law review -it was awesome, loved her!

  4. Da.

    June 14, 2010 at 11:44 am

    Sight …. not “site”.  I don’t think we’re wasting (waisting? ) too many of our brightest minds in law school….

  5. BL1Y

    June 14, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    Da: Wasting too many of our brightest only law school doesn’t preclude us from also wasting law school on too many of our dimmest.

  6. Alma Federer

    June 14, 2010 at 2:58 pm

    I was #3, only I have ALWAYS have had chestnut brown hair.  I have NEVER felt the need to go blond, as my family has always called me beautiful and smart.  In fact, I was the best looking girl in high school, and had many men interested in me in college AND law school.  But I have resisted the temptation to go blond, as then the men would not think of me as smart, but just a sex object.  Since that is the LAST thing I want, I will not change my hair color.

    • Annabelle Roggen

      February 9, 2012 at 9:34 am

      All that and modest, too!

    • Ellie

      June 6, 2012 at 9:59 pm

      I was a #3 my 1L year of school, but dyed my hair brown my 2L year because I was sick of all of the “Elle Woods” comparisons and wanted to be taken seriously.

      The sad thing?

      It worked. I’ve been a brunette ever since.

  7. Danny

    June 14, 2010 at 3:26 pm

    Way to tip-toe lightly into the “diversity” category with a “Native American” reference!

  8. Prom Queen

    June 14, 2010 at 6:02 pm

    I feel like we’re also missing the “Anything to Get Ahead.” This person will rip pages from the books in the library after using them knowing that they are needed for the moot court brief, and will slyly tell you sure you can use their outline, only to extract key portions of it without notice. This person would sell their best friend out if it meant they could get up another grade position in the class. And chances are they’ve lost whatever girlfriend/boyfriend or husband/wife they had coming in because that person got tossed out with the garbage as well.

    • SDB15

      September 25, 2012 at 9:41 pm

      I like to call this guy, “Newman”!

  9. hk

    June 14, 2010 at 6:12 pm

    Outlines?  I never understood the point of outlines.  Just use your notes.  And study groups…what a waste of time.  Unless you join one as an excuse to socialize (but why would you want to hang out with other law students?)

  10. Kyle

    June 14, 2010 at 7:17 pm

    Stupid article. Thanks for wasting my time.

  11. B

    June 14, 2010 at 7:43 pm

    WOAH–all was going along fine (if a bit flat) until:
    “After all, you can only be a diversity student for three years until you’re a diversity hire.”
    Wow–I’m just an average, kind of a prick white guy, not usually sensitive at all about race or sex, but that smacks of barely-concealed racism there.

    • Annabelle Roggen

      February 9, 2012 at 9:36 am

      I guess you have yet to have your first case before a judge who would not be there but for Affirmative Action. It’s not fun. Ours didn’t even know the finer points of hearsay.

      • studentsss

        February 11, 2012 at 1:43 pm

        This comment smacks of racism… in fact this whole article smacks of both racism and sexism. This depresses me.

        • Amanda

          February 22, 2013 at 9:52 pm

          most of this wasn’t funny and that stereotype was extremely racist.

  12. Guano Dubango

    June 15, 2010 at 3:15 am

    I am a bit of many of these students.  Too bad there is not a category for beautiful and smart women lawyers who want to get married, live in Ghana with me and bear me an heir and other children to placate my Aunt Ooona.

    Is there anyone out there who has access to such a woman who can point her in my direction?  I am tired of playing it cool, waiting for these women to materialize.  I want them to come and approach me.  I have money.

  13. Steve

    June 15, 2010 at 6:19 am

    RE: Addendum to Bombshell…they do exist, in a small law school in Portland, Maine… Hell, we had about a dozen of them in a class of 80 students…talk about a distraction.  And to make matters worse, they were really smart.  New England has a lovely gene pool.

  14. yeah right

    June 15, 2010 at 10:26 am

    they were really smart….for a small school in Maine

  15. FU

    June 16, 2010 at 8:11 am

    Yeah, no minorities are smart and deserve to be there.  Great insight.

  16. Hopefully not El Desperato

    June 16, 2010 at 12:41 pm

    Hopefully i’m not El Desperato, but i guess we won’t know till I start in August!
    Not to Spam but… check out this app(and vote for it!):
    http://www.brickfish.com/Pages/Blogs/BlogView.aspx?bid=40135&scid=538&
    It might help all of future lawyers get a leg up in classes/meetings with an app that uses voice recogntion to create note outlines during lectures.

  17. HNT

    June 17, 2010 at 6:20 am

    I don’t think the author was saying that no minority students deserve to be there.  Far from it.  In fact, using this rather limited framework, most of my friends in law school, whether minorities or not, fit into one of the other categories.  Thi diversity student, however, does exist.  There are some who trade specifically on that and just never seem to be nearly as worried about the whole thing about their peers of all races.

  18. NCLawyer

    June 17, 2010 at 3:56 pm

    I remember the Diversity Student. We had one who also starred as our closet gay dude.  We also had a handi-capable type who doubled as the always-has-a-comment-no-matter-how-dumb law student.  Yet our Mighty Mouse was African American, and there was an amazingly hot chick was two classes ahead of us.  Agree that the list is missing the gunner who will sell his own grandmother’s kidneys to get ahead.

  19. Juris Jackoff

    June 21, 2010 at 7:18 pm

    Oh shit, I just realized that I was El Desperato.
    El Desperatos “graduate” in law firms to become “perma-service senior associates.”
    The most recent “juicy” case I just pulled?  Defending the firm from a discrimination lawsuit filed by another recently fired Desperato.

  20. Reverse Douche-ism

    June 21, 2010 at 10:54 pm

    My favorite? Number 8.  You forgot to list the privileged majority students that give minority students the “you don’t deserve to be here” glare in passing.  Its a shame all the majority students scored the highest on the LSAT and are the only ones that deserve to be gainfully employed after law school.  Damn those (insert non-white group)-Americans.

    • Bibi

      January 28, 2012 at 9:39 am

      So true! Except the “majority” students at my school received lower LSAT scores while the minority students worked their asses off to get inF

    • Jay

      June 7, 2012 at 4:01 pm

      *slow clap*

      Number 8 was so tacky and tasteless. Also, does ANYONE even find a hint of truth in this stereotype? Last time I checked, it’s the “diverse” kids who seem to be working the hardest.

      First and last time visiting this website.

  21. Mr. Silence Dogood

    June 30, 2010 at 10:12 pm

    The diversity thing is always a touchy subject. I’m working with some very sharp summers who resent the constant emphasis on diversity when there are only 2-3 black attorneys in the entire office. It smacks as a bit patronizing, no?
    And when the firm stresses how committed they are to diversity, hiring more women, and people with disabilities and you’re sitting in a giant conference room full of white guys (in a tough economy) with only a smidge of “diversity” scattered about, even a bleeding heart liberal can’t help but ask: what about me?

    Oh well, asi es la vida. You can always pretend you’re gay and try and pull for the NALP lgbt stat!

  22. Michelle

    September 8, 2011 at 11:45 pm

    #8 really pisses me off too. Our school doesn’t have very many minorities, but we work just as hard as everyone else!

  23. Dan

    September 9, 2011 at 4:07 pm

    In my first year of law school I ran into number one, her sister was already a lawyer working for legal aid. I asked how much money legal aid attorneys earned. I got an ear full of crap about why I was in law school. bla bla bla.

    I told her that I wasn’t married to a doctor (she was) and I had to feed my son. Unless she wanted to pay for my son’s college I didn’t want to hear from her. She shut up and kept the sermons to herself.

  24. Reader

    September 19, 2011 at 3:59 pm

    Hey! You forgot “Paranoid White Male who believes the mythical minorities are stealing his hard-earned seat in law school and his DESERVED spot in BIGLAW despite statistics showing otherwise!”

    • Bibi

      January 28, 2012 at 9:41 am

      Yep! That about sums it up!

    • Logos Philosophos

      September 20, 2012 at 11:36 am

      Yes, because the way to combat racial profiling and stereotypes is clearly to raise more racial profiles and stereotypes.

      Are you sure you’re cut out for Law School? Your arguments seem… lacking, and your weak rhetoric does little to compensate for the absence of logic and relevance.

  25. Susan

    September 28, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    I’ll chime in with an objection to your racist “diversity student” type. The rest of the post was funny and enjoyable, until I got smacked in the face with your dislike and ignorance of minorities.

    I think the type you’re referring to is ANYONE with a free ride. Nothing like complaining about your loans to someone who pauses for too long and then says, “Oh, well, I have a free ride.”

    Although, “Oh, well, my parents are paying,” might be more annoying.

    • #3/#5 Full Ride

      May 4, 2013 at 10:09 am

      <— Attractive female slacker with a full ride. Not a minority. Given my complete lack of effort (took the LSAT on a whim because I didn't get into U of M med school), I'd say I deserve to be there a lot less than any of the minorities I've met thus far…

  26. T.M. Thomas

    October 12, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    I, too, was somewhat bothered by “Diversity student” but I’m thinking it’s not the point to say all persons of color are in this category. The general category bothers me, but I also knew a guy exactly like this in school. He was recruited from out of state and given a full ride and stipend. He was a bright guy but he just tuned out because his presence was all that they required.

  27. dante

    November 8, 2011 at 9:47 pm

    how about the guy who realizes he absolutely does not want to practice law, simply by being around these people daily?

    Thats me – can’t wait to be done!

    • jc

      January 15, 2012 at 12:39 am

      You are so right. Law school, the place of the socially challenged. I am very sociable, but I came to avoid other students like the plague.

    • Bob Loblaw

      January 16, 2012 at 9:22 am

      That was me my 3L year. I remember asking my friends: What do you do when the only thing you’ve learned from law school is that you dont want to be a lawyer? Almost ten years later, still slogging away at Big Law paying student loan debts and trying not to go postal.

  28. Darn I missed the law school equivalent of reparations

    January 26, 2012 at 4:19 pm

    I must have missed the free ride email while working on the plantation! Here I am, a 3L minority law student, busting her behind, sacrificing, AND worrying about mounting debt. Yet, this article is telling me that someone is getting a free ride, just because he or she is a minority, and that the minority student doesn’t have to study? Not only that, but he or she is also guaranteed a job upon graduation in this market? Darn it to hell! I need to file a law suit about this. I’ve been deprived my rights! Maybe I can sue for 40 acres and a mule.

    Sarcasm aside, the category was entirely offensive.

  29. Annabelle Roggen

    February 9, 2012 at 9:37 am

    “He flawlessly utters the insight of a thousand Learned Hands clapping a joyous symphony of jurisprudence. ” Beautiful.

  30. Annabelle Roggen

    February 9, 2012 at 10:19 am

    I think it is interesting that people complaining about the minority category automatically assume that every minority has to fit into that category, and that they are not assuming that a minority can be any of the other categories.

    The Blonde Bombshell category is obviously female, but a woman can easily be one of the other asshats described here. This is a satirical post in which you can find some truth.

    At my school, the minority top-tier educated law professor would hold private exam study sessions where she would all but give a written answer to the minority-only study group members. In class, she would call on the minority students, some of whom gave the most bs off-point answers, and the prof would restate it with perfect black letter law, and when she would call on white students, some of them would give the right answer but had no idea or confidence and she would keep questioning them, making them feel stupid and insecure until in the final outcome she changed “which” to “that” in their answer, and the white kid thought they answered completely wrong. It was all race-politics and fascinating to watch. We also had a gay professor who behave similarly with beautiful male students v. women in his courses.

  31. Rob

    March 1, 2012 at 10:59 am

    This is pretty spot on. This would be a great article for the website http://www.onlyinlawschool.com You should contact them about posting it!

  32. AZLawyer

    March 6, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    Barely disguised sexism and racism indeed…I was a minority student with an average LSAT and below average grades, but only because I worked my way through undergrad. The first month of school, as I’m passing through the lobby, I hear a legacy admission and a douche (I guess you omitted that one because it’s you) talking about how many affirmative action admissions there were that year. My class had 6 African Americans, 3 Native Americans and about 10 Hispanics (the school is in a border state–Hint: It’s AZ). The bottom line is that I graduated WAY higher in my class than those two, performed better overall than they did in both classwork and extracurriculars, but they still got better jobs than me. My point? Stop being a douche and just realize that you have never REALLY had to compete, things just get handed to YOU (not me) and being a douche about it just makes it sad. Thx.

    • Dale Palm

      April 25, 2013 at 8:54 pm

      What did you just say? I hope neither U of A nor ASU taught you how to write, given that my tax dollars fund those schools.

  33. MinorityLawyer

    June 7, 2012 at 4:00 pm

    8 is offensive to minorities who read this. Was that the point?
    Also, diversity hiring all but ended during the recession. Hiring #10s did not.
    This type of patently divisive conjecture reminds me of Fox News.

    I can only hope you learn and/or think in response to the comments on this board, and find inner peace.

    • But it's true isn't it?

      July 3, 2012 at 11:58 am

      “What’s the point?” Humorous observation and hyperbole on the truth perhaps? Surely you’re not saying that no one ever got into law school ahead of others because of racial preferences called “diversity?” Really? Humorlessly pretending this does not exist to some degree, or is a taboo subject fools no one. Ask any asian: without a cap they’d be close to 75% of UC.

  34. youareallthethingswrongwiththelaw

    July 2, 2012 at 9:45 pm

    stumbled across this site, found it promising until I read this sexist and racist column. Needless to say I won’t be back.

    • Hawkeye

      August 21, 2013 at 2:52 pm

      Someone doesn’t have a sense of humor.

  35. screw this guy

    July 9, 2012 at 10:53 pm

    If you went to school in the hood or had parents who couldn’t speak English, chances are strong that your language acquisition (either academic or colloquial) will have come at a slower pace. Real intelligence comes from your ability to solve problems you’ve never seen before. Not from mastering the only language you speak and skating through a liberal arts degree. Which by the way, are all easy as hell if you speak English as a first language. I know, bc I did poli sci and math. You know, math, that thing that bitter contributor probably sucked at. Maybe if BC had done something difficult or quantitative during undergrad he wouldn’t be writing blog posts. He’d be too busy making it rain from his 50th story biglaw office, getting bjs from #3.

  36. Shaun

    September 2, 2012 at 11:58 am

    I just laughed extremely hard reading this, putting faces with all of these. I needed a laugh this morning, thanks for posting!

  37. White Guy

    September 11, 2012 at 10:20 pm

    Seriously guys? Looks like law school has trained all of these other clowns to be uber-sensitive to even the slightest mention of race. (Sorry, but this guy’s blog doesn’t implicate the 14th amendment!) Get over yourselves. People who deny the effects of affirmative action on higher education are either (1)Stupid, or (2)Lying.

    I know tons of diversity students at our law school, and most of them have received offers from the larger firms in town, (despite their below-average grades). That may not be true for all minority law students, but I’m sure my school is not an anomaly in that regard. This post was right on.

    • Jerry

      September 13, 2012 at 7:34 am

      Where are the first year babes that are supposed to put out for a little legal mentoring? I haven’t seen any let alone piped any yet!

  38. Joe

    September 21, 2012 at 6:15 pm

    I never met a single person in law school meeting any of these descriptions.

    Still pretty funny, though :)

  39. Drew

    September 25, 2012 at 9:45 am

    #8 is racist, pure and simple. Way to tar each and every non-white student as a poser!

    Ironically, that the writer (and others) feel this way is a damn good argument for more affirmative action in law school. Until there are enough diverse students (i.e., closer to their demographics in the population), whites will continue to see them as not “belonging” in law school (or the profession). Yeah, I went to U. of Mich. Law School–thank god the Supremes didn’t screw THAT case up!

  40. sdawk

    September 25, 2012 at 10:34 am

    Hey Bitter,

    Have you actually ever met the diversity student of which you speak? Are you from the 80s? Some white male stronghold? Angry Get Off My Yard LLC? Also so kind of you to give the female voice to the altruist, the bombshell and the diversity student.

    Reach higher next time you try to be funny.

    • Dale Palm

      April 25, 2013 at 9:06 pm

      The 80′s was the most non-racist era the U.S. has seen. Generations X, Y, Z, and the millennials revived racism by buying the marketing campaign of a few 1960s leftovers. Demonizing white males is not only racist, but it is also sexist. And relating every discussion, both online and in person, to race is getting wearying. I just had a talk today with two millennials and within a few minutes, they were talking about race. Believe the Noah story, and you’ll discover that humans are one race. Now may we please find something more interesting to discuss?

  41. Chipfaced

    September 25, 2012 at 11:23 am

    Wow, where’s me? I was the punching bag, the sacrificial lamb to the mock trial team (who beat them on a technicality, but still the trial went on despite my win), the bitter student, now bitter lawyer eking out a living that barely pays the loans?

  42. bob

    October 5, 2012 at 3:01 am

    Seriously-first and last time visiting this website.
    Most of the stereotypes are funny because they apply to everyone, but way to go pick on the minorities.
    There’s less than a handful at my law school, were it up to you there might not be any.

  43. Daave

    October 23, 2012 at 4:25 pm

    How about the normal people that shake their head in disgust at the people doing lawyerly things? Its like they’re Japanese tourists in law school, looking at everyone in wonderment. I feel like I am partially one of these individuals, surprised that so many people can be interested in things so dull, but then I go and do them myself. I guess I am just one of those people that wasn’t cut out for law school yet does decently well, all the while feeling like he totally doesn’t belong. Don’t think I could be an attorney, honestly, but thank god its almost over!

  44. NoName

    November 9, 2012 at 3:26 am

    Hmm u sound pretty sexist when referring to a woman as nothing more than her measurements and beauty… and that only once in awhile do u see a worthwhile female law student thats worth being a potential future co-counsel.. i mean u sound kinda dickish but then again that’s just how the world works.. and ppl like u just reinforce that way of thinking..

    also usually minority students have to work twice as hard as dumbass white students.. wow ur such a dick.. even if ur just trolling, u sound like a dumb good-for-nothing waste of space

    • Louis

      November 9, 2012 at 1:23 pm

      What’s wrong with this? If a woman is beautiful, that should be noted. If not, that also should be noted. Into which category do YOU fall into?

    • John Meyers

      July 13, 2013 at 11:30 am

      stay classy

  45. Jake

    December 24, 2012 at 11:29 pm

    I have found white kids and diversity kids who don’t apply themselves. However, I go to a school that hands out a lot of scholarships and a lot of the diversity students do not have near the pressure because the diversity scholarships do not require the student to maintain as high a GPA to keep them. I can only speak of my own experience, but the diversity students generally do not stress as much because they do not have to perform as well to keep their diversity scholarship as opposed to others who have academic scholarships.

  46. Jeff Cooper

    January 28, 2013 at 9:06 pm

    I’m a white man, but #8 seemed completely off-base to me as well. The “liberal” school I went to was at least 95% white. The only people getting a free ride were the gobs of preppys whose parents paid their way.

  47. Evan Smith

    February 6, 2013 at 1:14 pm

    You left out the majority of each class being mid level minds, motivated by avarice, and able to conform to the law school paradigm so much better than those with a soul.

  48. adjovi

    July 1, 2013 at 8:38 pm

    same as last poster–a friend of mine posted a cartoon of yours, and then I read this sexist and racist column. won’t be back.

    • John Meyers

      July 13, 2013 at 11:29 am

      don’t let the door hit ya

  49. EB

    July 2, 2013 at 1:40 pm

    seems like you left out one breed – the one with a mentality of “we’re honorable lawyers with no tolerance for crude and sexist jokes and no sense of humor whatsoever”. Unclench people, take a deep breath and smile once in a while.

  50. Just Graduated

    July 22, 2013 at 3:27 pm

    AS a woman of color, who is just graduating with nearly $100,000 in debt from law school like many of my peers of all colors, it’s really racist of you to do that “diversity” line, and to add insult, assume we don’t have to work to survive or thrive in law school because we’ll be what, DIVERSITY HIRES? You are a despicable racist and you should be disbarred if you were ever barred by any state as a disgrace to the practice of law. And you should at the very least put yourself on the list as “Arrogant Entitled White Male” to be avoided at all costs as racist, prejudiced, sexist and worst of all entitled.

  51. hello

    September 4, 2013 at 4:48 pm

    LOL, so is this diversity student/hire thing real? I am hoping to enter 1L in two years, I am a mixed minority (Black&Mexican) and I am very interested in knowing.

    Thank You

  52. LadyLegalese

    September 25, 2013 at 10:04 am

    i never get a sufficient dose of cynicism anymore. 5 weeks in and i already have a kid to match each of these. a good laugh and a sprinkle of hope before 8:30 civ pro is non-existent; i’ll take it. thank you.

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