Tom Waits Testifies About Frank’s Wild Years

Poetic Justice, where Bitter Lawyer mashes poems, lyrics, and depositions to come up with a unique brand of resampled artisanal legal work. We also curate found depositions and other legal literacy. If you come across an awesome piece of poetic justice or feel the need to create one yourself, send it our way. We’ll take a look.

This week: Tom Waits and his knowledge of an alleged arson near San Fernando Road in Los Angeles.

Q.   Mr. Waits, you've already testified today about knowing Frank
     Leroux, having worked with him as an insurance agent. Now,
     turning to the events on April 18, or turning rather to
     Frank Leroux, what do you recall on April 18 and Mr. Leroux's
     activities?
A.   Frank settled down in the Valley and he hung his wild years
     on a nail that he drove through his wife's forehead
Q.   Um, uh. Just a second, Mr. Waits. I'm talking about Frank
     Leroux and the events surrounding a fire on April 18. What do
     you remember about Frank Leroux?
A.   He sold used office furniture out there on San Fernando
     Road and --
Q.   And from what you recall where did he live at that time?
A.   --- assumed a 30,000 dollar loan at fifteen and a quarter
     percent put a down payment on a little two bedroom place.
Q.   This little two bedroom place, I think you referred to it
     as the house in which he, that is, Frank Leroux, lived.
     With whom did Mr. Leroux live at this house, the two
     bedroom place? 
A.   His wife --
Q.   What did you know about Frank's wife? 
A.   Was a spent piece of used jet trash... made good
     Bloody Mary's.
Q.   Anything else?
A.   Kept her mouth shut most of the time.
Q.   Do you remember anything else about Frank, about,
     about Mr. Leroux's wife?
A.   Had a little Chihuahua named Carlos that had some kind
     of skin disease and was totally blind.
Q.   Other than that, the blind Chihuahua with the skin disease,
     the Bloody Mary's, what did you observe between his, 
     between Mr. Leroux and his wife?
A.   They had a thoroughly modern kitchen.
Q.   A kitchen?
A.   Self-cleaning oven, the whole bit.
Q.   Anything else?
A.   Frank drove a little sedan.
Q.   Right, we've explored that. How would you describe
     -- actually, what did you think about their relationship,
     Mr. Leroux and his wife?
A.   They were so happy.
Q.   But that apparently changed.
     MR. JAMES: Eric, I'll object. Wait, just forget it.
     MR. O'BRIEN: Mr. Waits, what do you recall of the events
     of April 18, near San Fernando Road in Los Angeles?
A.   One night Frank was on his way home from work. He stopped
     at the liquor store . . . Picked up a couple of Mickey's
     Big Mouths. Drank 'em in the car, and with a Shell station
     he got a gallon of gas in a can, drove home, doused
     everything in the house, torched it.
Q.   Do you remember what he did then?
A.   Parked across the street laughing, watching it burn.
Q.   Hold on. Mr. Waits, did you see the fire?
A.   All Halloween orange and chimney red.
Q.   And the fire-- strike that. What do recall Frank Leroux
     doing after he parked across the street and laughed?
A.   Then Frank put on a top forty station, got on the
     Hollywood freeway and headed North.
Q.   Did he say anything to you?
A.   Never could stand that dog.
The Bitter Poet is one-part bitter lawyer, two parts failed literary star. Read more from Bitter Poet or submit your own bitter poetry or literary genius to info@bitterlawyer.com

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>