Top 4 Obvious and Insipid Frat Boy Lawyer Words

Call me a bitter feminist (because I am) or prude or practical. But frat boy lawyers are worse than Yalies. And just because I don’t grab my non-existent balls like you or utter ridiculous juvenalia like “owned” or “fail,” doesn’t mean I can’t tell you directly how ridiculous you are. Grow up. You are no longer “in the Bro Zone.” Stop abusing these four obvious and insipid frat boy lawyer words and you may actually move up in the law job pecking order.

Douchebag

This is probably the most abused and overused frat boy lawyer phrase. Typically, the frat boy lawyer uses it singularly, as a noun, as in “what a douchebag.” It also has obvious variants, like “d-bag” or just “douche,” as in “he’s a d-bag lawyer.” Enough already. It’s cool and all that you can pull this out of your tiny bag of linguistic lawyerly tricks, but it lost any real effect in 2003, if not 1995.

Tool

Not really offensive or even that interesting, tool is way overused and has come to to mean anything from “manpawn” to “I just added a comment to Above the Law.” Typical use by frat boy lawyers: “what a fucking TTT tool.” If you use it, though, it just screams “I pledged Sigma Nu, bro, how ’bout you? Aren’t we cool? [scratch balls for effect]” Wow, it was the Urban Dictionary Word of the Day in 2005.

Bitch

For some reason, bitch is most frequently used by frat boy lawyers when referring to document review, as in “I’m no doc review bitch” (add a comma and it’s actionable in some states). Many of the Bitter Lawyer writers—typically former or current frat boy lawyers—love this phrase. And they especially love its variant—biatch—which brings them back to their circle jerk days at Duke or Oklahoma. Lose it. Or relegate it to your oh-so-witty frat boy headlines you already provide on Fark.

Pwned or Pwn3d

I’ve happily never used these until just now. But frat boy lawyers generally love these and use them frequently in emails, when watching MMA, or in comments on JDUnderground or AutoAdmit. I’ve even seen it in comments on Lawyerist. But, yeah, we can tell you loved World of Warcraft and have sixteen different styles of Croakies. We don’t need actual confirmation.

Sure, there are others, like cockblock and TFM and eight different variations apparently associated with Tim Tebow. But generally those have not been around a terribly long time. Or, more accurately, fresh out of law school, frat boy lawyers are just now getting around to using them now in the legal market, trying frantically to hold on to their salad days. All the power to ya, Mr. SigEp.

(Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/philiplarson/446102740)

Guest posts at Bitter Lawyer are often filed under the name of Bitter Contributor. You too can become a contributor, though we are fairly picky. Find out how.

5 Comments

  1. Magic Circle Jerk

    December 2, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    ITT: A bitter beta (or overweight female) lashes out at their colleagues who get promoted ahead of their inadequate ass.

  2. Kia

    December 2, 2011 at 3:50 pm

    These are also the guys that think they look like, or are as cool/bad-ass as Don Draper, when they—-don’t and aren’t, by a mile. When I was a D.A., they were also the ones that either; a) never went to trial and pled everything out (something always “suddenly” went wrong with their case before they had to do MIL or jury selection–cuz that’s actual work y’all!), or b) cherry-picked cases b/c they were too chicken to take out tough cases like DV or rape trials. Don’t get me wrong, frat guys are cool—-in COLLEGE….but in the grown-up world, frat lawyers in their “frisbee leagues” are kinda…..douche-bag-tool-bitches……

    • Guano Dubango

      December 3, 2011 at 10:21 am

      This one appears very bitter! In my world, I would not want to make love to such a woman, because she is often concerned about the ticking biological clock, and will sometimes make “a mistake” with the diaphragm. I have had this happen in my old country, and the woman fortunately did not conceive an heir for me, and a lucky thing, because she became quite the shrew (in addition to putting on 35 kilos). I have since become far more discerning, and am very careful as to where I place my Johnson, as you Americans call it.

  3. Tyler Durden

    December 3, 2011 at 9:45 am

    Looks like someone is wearing their ovaries on the outside today.

  4. NCLawyer

    June 8, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    I’m amused by the expression “doc review bitch.” This bitch has “pwned” many a case because she didn’t sub out her document review to “d-bag” “frat boys.”

    Incidentally, not too long ago we hired a gorgeous female associate who left a firm whose last firm retreat featured all-night laser tag. Yes, laser tag. (I didn’t even know laser tag still existed.) Not long after, she was assigned to a case we had against her old firm. She crushed them. The only other grown-up who worked at her old firm left not long afterward.

    Don’t get annoyed. Just go elsewhere.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>