Top Signs You are a Gunner

Across the country, law students are entering their august institutions. We here at Bitter Lawyer are happy to guide these students through the perils of their epic quest for a J.D. by reposting helpful tidbits provided by those that came before them. Stand on the shoulders of bitter giants, students.

Originally posted: Dec 7, 2011


We just released the Bottom Rung character sketch of Eugene, known as the “second best gunner.” No matter what walk of life you are in, you will have to deal with the Eugenes of the world. Some of them, like Skolnik—whom we introduce in a few weeks on the Bottom Rung—are intolerable. Others, like Eugene, are mostly to be pitied and laughed at.

But are gunners walking around thinking they’re not gunners? Are you a gunner? Here’s a Bitter Lawyer reference guide to help determine if you are one—or to confirm the gunner status of any Eugenes in your professional or personal life.

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1. You bought an extra exam outline at the law school bookstore—because it was the last one.

2. You raise your hand in Socratic-method classes.

3. You attend all the Friday Bar Reviews but always end up playing darts alone.

4. You have multiple copies of your resume on you at all times.

5. You offered to “beam” your resume from your Blackberry during an OCI interview.

6. You have had a nervous breakdown at some point.

7. You think a thirty-minute lunch break is excessive.

8. You have not only measured your documents per hour, but also your documents per minute.

9. You have no friends—except those on Friendster or Xbox Live.

10. You were once a hall monitor in middle school.

11. You went to Chicago Law School.

12. You know what your actual class rank is—and it’s not as high as what you tell people.

13. You keep a log of other people’s bathroom breaks.

14. You’ve inquired about billing by the hundredth of the hour.

15. You’re favorite character in Old School is Jeremy Piven’s character, Dean Gordon “Cheese” Pritchard.

16. You’ve called the cops on your neighbors for excessive noise.

17. You once had a detailed and annotated map of the study carrels in the law library.

18. You tell people who are absent from class that they “didn’t miss anything,” when in fact, they missed something extremely important—like a change in the exam date.

19. You “rounded up” your undergrad GPA on your Match.com profile.

20. You “shooosh” people.

21. You think the term “snitch” is a badge of honor.

Bitter Staff is a collection of current and former editors, contributors, and various other lawyers who have written for Bitter Lawyer over the years. Posts include interviews, contests, and other general lawyerly and bitter content.

5 Comments

  1. Guano Dubango

    December 7, 2011 at 9:14 am

    I disagree with being a gunner, as I am only guilty of #2. I think that one is unfair and mischaracterizes many people as gunners who are not. I would never do any of the other things, but just because I used to raise my hand in class when I knew the answers does not make me a gunner!

    There was a guy named Gunner Gustafsohn, and even he was only a gunner in the generic sense. He raised his hands, and all the ladies fawned over him because he had straight blond hair and blue eyes (I have neither, but still hope to wed (if not bed) a law beauty).

  2. Aaron Street

    December 7, 2011 at 9:34 am

    This post is bullshit.

    Everyone knows you don’t “beam” your deets; you “bump” them.

  3. Bitter 2L

    December 8, 2011 at 12:24 am

    Don’t see myself as a gunner. But I had a pretty gunner-ish moment today in class.

    Saved my “pass” in Crim. Pro. for the last day of class (which was today). Gloriously presented it to my professor before class (who has so far been the most Socratic professor I’ve ever had). …Ended up volunteering anyway.

    At my school… almost everyone volunteers in the Socratic classes. If the professor throws out a lay-up question, might as well take it. That way, the heat is off you for at least a little while.

  4. Gunner

    November 8, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    As someone named Gunner by their parents, I really wish that (apparently according to this list) petty, socially inept douchebags didn’t get called this as a nickname.

    I recommend that anyone fitting half or more of this list should buy a groupon for therapy sessions.

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