Transcript of Phone Call from Jail

Please be advised that this conversation may be
recorded for quality control and training purposes.

WWL: It’s a great day at WorldWiide Legal Services, where we 
always have two “i’s” on your legal issue. My name is
Darby and I’ll be your Legal Ninja today. Welcome,
how can we help you?

THOMPSON: Uh, did you say Ninja?

WWL: Yes, Mr. Thompson, I’m a certified Legal Ninja
prepared to help in any practicable way with your issue.
What can WorldWiide Legal, the global leader in
innovative legal services, do for you today?

THOMPSON: I, um, got arrested for DUI, for drunk driving.

WWL: I’m sorry to hear that, Mr. Thompson. I’m sure
that is a difficult thing for you. 

THOMPSON: I’m calling from jail.

WWL: That is unfortunate, Mr. Thompson, being in jail
must be hard on you and your loved ones. 

THOMPSON: Yeah. I need a lawyer.

WWL: I understand from our conversation that you are
calling to talk to a lawyer, is that correct?

THOMPSON: I think I just said that.

WWL: Good, thank you for clarifying that, Mr. Thompson.
Because of your value to us, we need to escalate your
matter to one of our legal Ronins, who should be able
to help immediately with your issue. Please hold while
I escalate your matter.

THOMPSON: I, I only—-

WWL: Please hold—-

WWL: Hello, Mr. Thomas—-

THOMPSON: Thompson.

WWL: I am sorry, my apologies, Mr. Thompson, let me make
a note of that so we don’t make that mistake again. 

THOMPSON: Thanks.

WWL: My name is Alisa and I am your Legal Ronin this morning.
I understand that you are calling from jail. 

THOMPSON: Yes, I told that to the Ninja.

WWL: Good. I just need to go over a few things first as
your Ronin level legal provider. Were you or any loved ones
injured in the accident?

THOMPSON: I wasn’t in an accident. I was pulled over by the cops.
I’m now in a drunk tank and I want a lawyer to get me out.

WWL: Thank you, Mr. Thompson, for clarifying that matter
for me. I understand that you are in jail and in a drunk
tank and that you called WorldWiide Legal for legal help
related to drunk driving. Is that correct?

THOMPSON: Yeah.

WWL: Good, thanks. Just a few more questions, Mr. Thompson.
Have you seen a chiropractor?

THOMPSON: I’m in jail. I've been arrested.

WWL: Thank you, Mr. Thompson. I understand that you are in jail.
Just a couple more questions. Has anyone talked to you recently
about a Living Will?

THOMPSON: I’m sorry, I’m calling about a lawyer. Can I
please speak to a lawyer?

WWL: Yes, Mr. Thompson, at WorldWiide Legal we take your
matter very seriously. Unfortunately, I am not a lawyer.
I am a Ronin level service provider. You need either a Samurai
or Shinobi level provider. Would you like to upgrade to
Samurai for only $19.99 more per month? Our first month
is always free and Samurais offer unlimited texting.

THOMPSON: Jesus Christ, whatever. Yes, just get me a lawyer.
Now, please.

WWL: Thank you, Mr. Thompson. Let me connect you immediately
to one of our Samurais. Please hold for a moment.

THOMPSON: Hello? Anyone there? There are people here . . . 
there's a line for the--- I don't---

WWL: Good morning, my name is Gareth and I am Legal Samurai
number 292991-2, this is matter number 3302-49RP, that's
R as in Randy and P as in peanuts. How can I help you, Mr. Tonsil?

THOMPSON: Thompson, you shithead.

WWL: I’m sorry, Mr. Thompson, it must be difficult for you
that I mispronounced your name.

THOMPSON: No, it’s difficult because I am in jail, I’ve now
pissed my pants, and I have one phone call, to you shitheads,
of all my luck. Are you a lawyer? 

WWL: Thank you for that information, Mr. Thompson, it may be
useful for your matter. I am a Samurai level service provider
at WorldWiide Legal, a global innovator in online and real-time
legal solutions. 

THOMPSON: Honestly, why did I call--- did you even go to law
school?

WWL: Mr. Thompson, all of our Samurai and Shinobi level
legal representatives receive extensive training in civil and
criminal law, both in the United Kingdom and in the United States. 

THOMPSON: Let me be clear. Are you a L-A-W-Y-E-R? A lawyer,
a fucking attorney who knows, I don’t know, maybe something
about being drunk, in jail, getting real people out of jail? Huh?
Yes? No?

WWL: Thank you for spelling lawyer, Mr. Thompson. I have made
that notation in your file. But, no, Mr. Thompson, I have not
been in jail nor drunk and in jail. It must be difficult for you
to be drunk and in jail, but let’s see what we can do to help.
Please wait a moment while I consult with another Samurai.

THOMPSON: Hello?

THOMPSON: Hello?

WWL: Thank you for waiting, Mr. Thompson. What province are you in?

THOMPSON: What?

WWL: What province are you in? 

THOMPSON: I’m not in a province. I’m in fucking jail,
in Tucson.

WWL: Thank you for clarifying that for me. You said you are
in Tucson. What province is that in?

THOMPSON: What the? I, I'm--- It's in the province of fucking Arizona.
Yeah.

WWL: Please hold for a moment.

WWL: I'm sorry, Mr. Thomke, but Worldwiide Legal does not
currently provide services in Arizona provincial law. 

THOMPSON: I'm shocked. Just give me a refund or do I have
to talk to an emperor or something like that?

WWL: I'm sorry, our Emperor level service is still in beta, but
I can add you to our prelaunch ----

THOMPSON: [Hangs up]
Gregory Luce is the editor of Bitter Lawyer. He creates stuff and writes various columns, including Legal Crap My Kids Ask Me, Ask a Futurist, and Postcards from Lawyers.

1 Comment

  1. Pingback: In Jail? Please Hold For The Next Available Legal Ninja | Simple Justice

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