Wasn’t Funny the First Time

MEMORANDUM

RE: Your inept attempt at camaraderie with the support staff
To: Gregory, The Clueless Associate
From: Your Faithful Paralegal
Subject: Wasn’t funny the first time

Remember last year, Gregory? You know, that time we were here until 3:30 a.m. working on that expert report?

You: Spending three hours tweaking the format of a brief because the partner likes his documents pretty and secretaries don’t work past 4:45 in the afternoon.

Me: Sitting here on my lumpy ass, waiting for you to finish because you’re too stupid and/or lazy to figure out how to call a copy vendor yourself. Yeah, that was the greatest time of my life too.

Remember when you made this shrewd observation: “Hey, man, at least you get paid overtime, right? You must make more money than we do with all that OT?” Yeah. That wasn’t funny.

It also wasn’t funny when you oh-so-cleverly brought it up again last week during Sunday’s doc review, which by my calculations was the 841st time you’ve made a remark of that kind.

So, if you insist on bringing up this old chestnut again and again, let’s do some math here.

In 2008, I worked at least 1,000 hours of overtime, which yielded me something close to $100,000. Now, a hundred grand isn’t anything to shake a stick at, and when you factor in all the weight gain associated with being imprisoned in an office for 14 hours at a stretch and the joy of smoking a pack of cigarettes every day, it seems like I’m living the goddamn American dream, right? Well, not really if you insist on claiming we’re on the same level here.

Let’s look at what a first year associate makes, shall we?

In spite of being grossly unqualified for practicing law, an associate at a big firm starts at approximately $140,000. If you want to add insult to injury, we can include year-end bonuses for meeting the firm’s ridiculous billable quotas. Then, you’re looking at an extra $20,000-$30,000. That’s $170,00 for a guy who needs to be shown how to add rows to a table in Word. Seriously, they don’t teach that at Stanford Law? And I’m not even going to count all the perks like floor seats to the Lakers or dinners at Mortons. But listen, I know you’re busy and that you’ve got hours to bill, so I’ll just bottom-line it for you: shut the fuck up.

While overtime may be the only reason I stay at this repetitive, mind-numbing, soul-destroying workplace, it certainly isn’t the key to upward mobility you seem to think puts me on the same level as you, my intrepid, young Esq. friend. You cruise in your Mercedes to and from your new condo in Santa Monica, while I chug back and forth in a Honda Civic from an apartment I share with three other dudes. You drop the firm’s plastic on hot summers who don’t know any better, and my game consists of saying things like, “Can I buy you a drink?” You just paid off your loans. Sallie Mae and me are looking at thirty-year relationship.

Living the dream, indeed.

You just got the memo.  From: Your Faithful Paralegal

Read more from Your Faithful Paralegal.

19 Comments

  1. Bill Dugan

    January 14, 2009 at 2:41 am

    Buddy, you, not the lawyer, is the true dillweed.  As a bitter lawyer, I wonder why the lawyer here doesn’t have the paralegal help in on formatting tasks at 3 in the morning. Or do something besides sitting there on his fat ass, eating, smoking and collecting $100K for his efforts.  $100K is pretty good snatch, especially in these tough times.  I’ll bet more than a few lawyer readers here don’t make that much money.  Also, you’re a dipshit who is not endearing yourself or your attitude to the firm.  Remember, a paralegal’s duty is to assist the legal people.  If you think yourself so good and that your ass is so important, then go to law school, and you might figure out in a few years that no law firm wants to have yourr tuches on staff, stinking up the toilet; except maybe as a paralegal.  Don’t complain about the lawyers–they may get to go to Laker games, Mortons, and to court the fresh young summer, but that ‘s what keeps the firm going, and your tuches sitting there rather than on the unemployment office.  Besides, if you learn to stop eating and smoking, then maybe you’ll have a chance (albeit small) to snag one of the summer honey holes looking for meaningless fornication.  Finally, if you do go to law school and succeed, then you can join the club, having all the “fun” you describe hereinabove.  Until then, maybe it’s you, D-Bag, that should “shut the F*** up”.

  2. N. Detted

    January 14, 2009 at 4:52 am

    If it makes you feel any better, I’m an attorney that makes more than the dbag you work with and I’ll have a long, long relationship with Sallie Mae, too.
    And I take public transportation.  Your Honda would be a step up for me.

  3. BL1Y

    January 14, 2009 at 5:23 am

    How does a paralegal have so much debt that it’ll take 30 years to pay off?  And more importantly, why does your game consist of buying anyone a drink?  Do you really try to bribe your way into a girl’s pants?  I’m sure Lady of Law has some thoughts on this.

  4. Anonymous

    January 14, 2009 at 5:42 am

    Stop sniffing Lady of Law’s panties, BL1Y.

  5. Anonymous

    January 14, 2009 at 5:58 am

    Yes, let the lady of law drop her panties for the paralegal.

  6. TBone

    January 14, 2009 at 6:50 am

    Good stuff.  I can just hear that dbag lawyer’s condescending tone…

  7. El

    January 14, 2009 at 8:09 am

    I don’t think it good pool that you volunteer the Lady of Law’s crotch without her consent.  There can be no implied consent to sex.  She must be the SOLE volunteer of what she permits with respect to her snatch.

  8. Anonymous

    January 14, 2009 at 8:22 am

    Ya, that stanky.

  9. BL1Y

    January 14, 2009 at 10:17 am

    Did the Bitter Lawyer staff already have the cube playsets, or did they order them special for this picture?
    http://www.thinkgeek.com/geektoys/cubegoodies/722a/

  10. Anonymous

    January 14, 2009 at 10:18 am

    This guy ought to be renamed the GAY Paralegal. He really sounds like he’s taken it up the rear more than figuratively.  How much do you want to bet the paralegal prefers men to women?  That’s why he’s so sour on the lawyer, who probably turned him down.

  11. Paralifer, NOT

    January 14, 2009 at 10:20 am

    Oh so true…

    some lawyers also need you to stick around til 3 am to push the send button on the fax machine.  WTF?

  12. Dillweed Paralegals

    January 14, 2009 at 11:01 am

    Quit-cher-bitchin’ paralegals!  You’re there to help!  You’re getting paid!  WTF more do you want?  When youre unemployed, you should stop your bitchin’.

  13. SDL20

    January 14, 2009 at 8:25 pm

    what a douche

  14. BL1Y

    January 15, 2009 at 12:58 pm

    Seriously, quit your bitching paralegal.  I bet you are just upset that wealthier younger associates like myself are getting the law firm tail you think you deserves.  Get some game, I could teach you a few things.

  15. BL1Y

    January 17, 2009 at 1:07 pm

    Fake BL1Y is even less funny than I am.

  16. Anonymous

    January 18, 2009 at 6:33 pm

    Which is the fake and which is the real BL1Y.  I thought the real BL1Y was a ladies man, but lately, the imposter has claimed that he is loyal to his girlfriend.  The original BL1Y was hot on the tail of Lady of Law.  The imposter seems to have lost the trail of her scent.  Who his who?  Is BL1Y a dweeb or an a-wipe?

  17. BL1Y

    January 19, 2009 at 1:18 pm

    6:33: Real BL1Y has a girlfriend.  Real BL1Y is also a ladies man, but isn’t active at the moment (on account of not being a complete asshole).  I don’t think real or fake BL1Y has ever been after Lady of Law (has anyone?).  Nor will I stick it in anything that’s warm, nor do I claim to have nailed lots of hot girls.  More than my share of girls? Yes.  Some have been hot? Also yes.  But, not a lot of hot girls.

  18. Anonymous

    January 21, 2009 at 7:28 am

    It’s true. Paralegals are completely useless to law firms, a drain on the cash flow.
    I know because I am one. Still trying to remember why I went to four years of college…just waiting to save up for law school so I can take out the frustration on another lowly paralegal some day…

  19. Forbearance-mode

    January 25, 2009 at 7:41 pm

    So, since this post is about the taking of righteous indignance at someone trying to find common ground with you despite a $40,000.00 difference in pay (and I happen to be paid exactly $40,000.00 less than you despite having spent three years at law school), I just thought I would write to tell you that your attempt at camaraderie with the lower paid didn’t work. 
    The guy down the street managing the Popeye’s Chicken & Biscuits makes more money than I do.  (true, he has a ‘car-salesman type thing’ he does on the side, but I digress)

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