There aren’t many doctor-lawyers in town these days. That’s probably because no one is actually dumb enough to spend four years of undergrad, three years of law school, four years of med school, and a few more years of residency before entering the real world. Except me. In my infinite wisdom, I decided to be the genius that blows 15% of my life listening to people who have never interacted with the human species and studying things as enlightening—and useful—as organic chemistry, microbiology, and con law.
So, it’s only fitting that after turning my back on medicine and deciding to practice law (thereby making the decision to hate my life for all eternity), I would get the opportunity to use my medical skills and education to help someone. Only problem is even though I’m armed with all this knowledge, I actually didn’t know how to help anybody.
There I was, sitting in my BigLaw office slaving away on some memo that no one was ever going to read or review, much less use it to wipe their ass, all while thinking of ways to break the glass and follow my chair out the window. Just then, some old sap of a woman decided it was the perfect day to crash into the wall outside my office and bury her face in the cement floor.
“Hello floor, its nice to make your acquaintance.”
Well, as you can imagine, as soon as all of the secretaries saw and/or heard the massive thump, there was only one possible phrase anyone could think of: “Someone call a doctorrrr!!”
Okay, it’s not like this accident happened on the 18th floor or in the main lobby. No. It had to happen RIGHT outside my door. The poor lady’s head was actually in my doorway. Fuck. What the hell am I supposed to do now? Close my door? Pretend I can’t see the huge pool of blood oozing towards my carpet? Hide under the desk? Shoot myself?
Or maybe I should just announce, “YES, I’m a doctor! And I’m here to help.”
Well, the problem was that I don’t know jack shit about how to help this poor beast of a woman. I’m not a paramedic. I can barely figure out how to put on a band-aid. So what was I supposed to do?
I rushed outside my office and yelled, “Give her some room.”
Okay, the woman wasn’t having an asthma attack. She’s passed out on the ground in front of my office, blood spewing everywhere. And all I can think of was, “Give her some room”!? Christ.
So now what? Am I supposed to administer CPR? CPR?@$##!!??? I have no idea how to administer CPR. Fuck, I don’t even know what it stands for.
Needless to say, by the time the paramedics arrived, my career at that firm had officially died. That buffoon of a woman actually killed my career. I kinda wish she died too. Loser.