We Need a Doctor, Lawyer!!


There aren’t many doctor-lawyers in town these days.  That’s probably because no one is actually dumb enough to spend four years of undergrad, three years of law school, four years of med school, and a few more years of residency before entering the real world.  Except me.  In my infinite wisdom, I decided to be the genius that blows 15% of my life listening to people who have never interacted with the human species and studying things as enlightening—and useful—as organic chemistry, microbiology, and con law.

So, it’s only fitting that after turning my back on medicine and deciding to practice law (thereby making the decision to hate my life for all eternity), I would get the opportunity to use my medical skills and education to help someone.  Only problem is even though I’m armed with all this knowledge, I actually didn’t know how to help anybody.

There I was, sitting in my BigLaw office slaving away on some memo that no one was ever going to read or review, much less use it to wipe their ass, all while thinking of ways to break the glass and follow my chair out the window. Just then, some old sap of a woman decided it was the perfect day to crash into the wall outside my office and bury her face in the cement floor.

“Hello floor, its nice to make your acquaintance.”

Well, as you can imagine, as soon as all of the secretaries saw and/or heard the massive thump, there was only one possible phrase anyone could think of: “Someone call a doctorrrr!!”

Okay, it’s not like this accident happened on the 18th floor or in the main lobby.  No. It had to happen RIGHT outside my door.  The poor lady’s head was actually in my doorway.  Fuck.  What the hell am I supposed to do now?  Close my door?  Pretend I can’t see the huge pool of blood oozing towards my carpet?  Hide under the desk?  Shoot myself?

Or maybe I should just announce, “YES, I’m a doctor!  And I’m here to help.”

Well, the problem was that I don’t know jack shit about how to help this poor beast of a woman. I’m not a paramedic. I can barely figure out how to put on a band-aid. So what was I supposed to do?

I rushed outside my office and yelled, “Give her some room.”

Okay, the woman wasn’t having an asthma attack. She’s passed out on the ground in front of my office, blood spewing everywhere. And all I can think of was, “Give her some room”!? Christ.

So now what? Am I supposed to administer CPR? CPR?@$##!!??? I have no idea how to administer CPR. Fuck, I don’t even know what it stands for.

Needless to say, by the time the paramedics arrived, my career at that firm had officially died.  That buffoon of a woman actually killed my career. I kinda wish she died too. Loser.

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27 Comments

  1. Sincerely Disappointed

    February 21, 2010 at 11:16 pm

    what a terrible person

  2. Bill

    February 22, 2010 at 3:15 am

    Sounds to me like the author went to a TTT law school, and a TTTT medical school.  What kind of a-wipe of an MD (doctor) doesn’t even know basic first aid, or even what CPR is?  If this article is for real, the author really should consider taking a job cleaning toilets in the Metro North, because he should not be trusted with anything more. I am not sure the women woud be interested in this man, either.  A doctor that can’t doc; a lawyer that can’t law.  What a dip-dill!

  3. Chick Litigator

    February 22, 2010 at 5:46 am

    Sounds like neither of those degrees are doing you a damn bit of good. Sucks to be you.

  4. Schadenfreude

    February 22, 2010 at 6:00 am

    Dude. I am amazed at your stupidity. Even more so that you decided to chronicle your failures for us to mock. That said, I don’t think you are for real. This article is steeped full of more bullsh*t than a meat-packing plant.

  5. Craig

    February 22, 2010 at 6:23 am

    This is some odd story.  There are too many things to even start.  I’m not even sure what he was going for here really.  Maybe, no matter how much training you get for being a lawyer and/or doctor, none of it matters if you’re an ignorant, selfish douchebag who folds under the pressure?

  6. BL1Y

    February 22, 2010 at 6:58 am

    What sort of law office has a cement floor?  Can they not afford carpeting?  I’m confused.  Also, it’s cardiopulmonary resuscitation, and you’re supposed to perform chest compressions at 100 beats per minute.  If you sing Staying Alive (or Another One Bites the Dust) in your head, you should keep the right speed.  I also heard that you’re not supposed to do mouth to mouth any more, that it’s better just to do chest compressions.  But what do I know, I just watch talk shows, it’s not like I went to medical school.

  7. Juris Depravis

    February 22, 2010 at 7:11 am

    If we were to attempt to calculate a ratio of student loan dollars to the ability of the student, we would create a black hole that swallows the universe as we would have to divide by zero. You #FAIL. Just man up and get into plaintiff’s PI/mass tort/class action suits like all the other T^4 doctor-lawyer dbags. Don’t be ashamed; be shameless. Own it.

  8. Ace in the Hole

    February 22, 2010 at 7:43 am

    Hold on just a freaking second here.  In med school you do rotations in the hospital (or at least at real med schools) – I can’t imagine not knowing how to respond to your basic head bang after this, at least just to try to stabilize someone until the paramedics arrive.  (Heck, one of my best friends is a doctor and on top of rotations, he actually *worked* as an EMT during med school at a top 20 school!  What kind of moron would you have to be to graduate med school and not know anything about how to deal with someone who’s injured?) I’m not sure I believe this story.

  9. Dude

    February 22, 2010 at 7:44 am

    I have seen a law office with a cement floor.

  10. BL1Y

    February 22, 2010 at 8:30 am

    Dude: Was it at Heller Ehrman?

  11. Sabrina

    February 22, 2010 at 8:48 am

    Was this the career you were bitching about in your Dr. Part time bitter piece?  Good.

  12. Evil Lawyer

    February 22, 2010 at 8:50 am

    If this happened, you should have immediately announced “I’m a doctor,” and commandeered an attractive woman to assist you (e.g., ripping the bottom of her blouse off and telling her “rip this into strips”) (people always do what doctors ask in an emergency). Then pulled rank on the paramedics, rode in the ambulance (with attractive assistant) and slipped the injured woman your name so she could sue someone (the maker of the floor and its installer can’t claim worker’s comp). Asked the attractive one to have coffee with you till you calm down. (I suppose you could give her your suit jacket then).  Come back and finish the memo proving your dedication.  But no: you blow an opportunity like this to say “give her some room?”

  13. BL1Y

    February 22, 2010 at 9:43 am

    The doctor here could be in a lot of trouble if someone else in the office was trained in first aid.  By taking over a situation he was unprepared to handle he may have prevented someone else from stepping in and actually helping this woman.  Rescue doctrine, maybe?  Can someone with a functioning knowledge of law chime in?

  14. Jack

    February 22, 2010 at 10:06 am

    rescue doctrine doesn’t apply.  It protects people who are hurt while trying to help others. 
    ex: A crashes his car because of negligence of X, B pulls over to help, C crashes into B.  B can sue X

  15. R Smith

    February 22, 2010 at 10:12 am

    The good samaritan doctrine in many states (no liability except for gross negligence or recklessness) would probably shield a doctor who decided not to intervene, to stop others from inexpertly assisting, and to wait for the paramedics. If the woman had injured her neck or fractured an eye socket, moving her might have made things much worse.

  16. Rescue

    February 22, 2010 at 10:39 am

    But if he started to perform first aid, he would be liable if he negligently performed.  So better to not to act.
    Also, I am confused how this woman “crashed” into his wall.  Was she driving a car?

  17. BL1Y

    February 22, 2010 at 10:49 am

    Rescue doctrine is definitely the wrong one.  I’m thinking of the doctrine that says once you start to rescue someone you have to follow through.  So, if someone’s drowning in a lake and I swim out to save them, I can’t get out there, change my mind, and swim back, because if I hadn’t of swum out there to begin with, someone else might of, but having seen me, they decided to wait on the shore.  The issue isn’t whether the doctor stopped others from inexpertly intervening, but whether his stepping in stopped someone else from competently providing first aid.

  18. Rescue

    February 22, 2010 at 11:05 am

    It’s a duty arising from an undertaking.
    Restatement of Torts (Second):
    ‘323. Negligent Performance of Undertaking to Render Services ‘One who undretakes, gratuitously or for consideration, to render services to another which he should recognize as necessary for the protection of the other’s person or things, is subject to liability to the other for physical harm resulting from his failure to exercise reasonable care to perform his undertaking, if
    ‘(a) his failure to exercise such care increases the risk of such harm, or
    ‘(b) the harm is suffered because of the other’s reliance upon the undertaking.’

  19. Born in the night, but not last night

    February 22, 2010 at 11:27 am

    How did this woman end his career?

  20. unimportant

    February 22, 2010 at 2:06 pm

    isn’t there also some doctrine (adopted nowhere but still taught in 1st-year torts) that says someone possessing particular skills like a doctor can actually be liable for failure to act?

  21. BL1Y

    February 22, 2010 at 3:05 pm

    Saying “Give her some room!” wouldn’t satisfy a duty to act (unless she was bleeding from claustrophobia).  Also, that duty might not necessarily apply to someone who hasn’t been practicing medicine and obviously (from the story) possess no actual medical skills.

  22. Yip

    February 22, 2010 at 3:29 pm

    Wow.  Sounds like this guy should smash HIS face into the cement.  That said, I’d like to know if the girl who crashed was hot because if she was, he DEF should have given some mouth to mouth.

  23. Snarky

    February 22, 2010 at 4:12 pm

    Ah. A woman Guano could date for sure!

  24. Guano Dubango

    February 22, 2010 at 4:21 pm

    This guy sound like a loser to me.  He has JD and MD, and he still is a loser!  If he were smart, he would at least be doing better than he is.  What kind of office is on the ground floor.  He obviously is a failure, and there is no evidence he could ever get any female to sleep with him either.  What a loser!

  25. Yea Right

    February 23, 2010 at 11:43 am

    This story is so fake.

  26. New reader

    February 24, 2010 at 1:54 am

    This story is stupid.  Author needs a class in writing.

  27. Sarcasmus

    March 11, 2010 at 10:07 am

    Another fake story.  There’s no way this Dr. lawyer schmuck is real.  Undergrad, then law, then medical only to turn away from medical and go back to law?  Baloney.  Medical school and residency and doesn’t know how to help a person who falls down unconscious?  Baloney. 
    Take it from me, I’m a detective, lawyer, dentist, volleyball champion.

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