Dear Law Firm 10,
I’m a cultural Neanderthal. I’ll admit it. Over the last seven years I immersed myself in work and barely looked up. Now, I’m seeing some light and want to date around (as opposed to hooking up with a girl now and then). But I’m woefully behind the times. In other words, I cannot carry on a conversation about anything related to television, movies, or books without saying something like, “How do you play Game of Thrones?”
What should I do? Subscribe to People and get up to speed? Or does it matter? I don’t want to seem like I’ve been under a rock for the last ten or so years even though I kinda have.
Answer:
For starters, the fact that you think that a subscription to People magazine could be the cure for your lack of cultural awareness speaks volumes about your cluelessness. Reading People to brush up on modern culture would be about as useful as watching the fourth hour of The Today Show to prepare for an audition with Christiane Amanpour. In fact, becoming conversant in People magazine’s content might actually harm your chances of dating success. Unless your dream girl is a 46 year-old grade school social studies teacher in Omaha.
Here’s the most important thing you need to do before venturing outside the climate-controlled, fluorescent-bulbed safety of your office into the nasty and brutish dating scene: banish the phrase “I don’t want to seem like . . .” from your thought processes. The only person you should seem like when you’re dating is the person that you actually are. Otherwise, you will end up with a woman who fell for the distorted version of you. Then, when you begin to let your guard down and behave more like yourself, she will more than likely try to “change” you back into the original guy she fell for. Which means you will spend the remainder of your life miserably trapped in a weird existential struggle. Or you’ll just get dumped.
So the only reasonable thing to do is for you to figure out who you are, what you’re into, and what makes you tick. Once you’ve got a clear idea of that, then you’re ready to look for a woman who’s wired like you. And if it turns out that you’re actually a dull Big Law nerd that’s only interested in work, fear not, because the legal community is crawling with work-obsessed women who haven’t read a magazine — let alone an entire book — since before they started law school. These women get off on discussing caseloads and partnership tracks and are as ignorant as you are when it comes to HBO original programming and celebrity news.
It won’t even be that complicated for you to find suitable dating targets. Just start frequenting ABA-sponsored events and join one of your local bar association’s practice groups. Those places are crawling with chicks who are more comfortable under a rock than in skinny jeans. If you want an added safety net, just make sure that you’re eligible to earn CLE credits from partaking in these activities. That way — even if you fail miserably at meeting a woman — your time won’t have been completely wasted.
