The World Is An Oyster: A Crazy F**king Oyster


If Kurt Cameron taught us anything this past week it is that the world is full of crazy. While usually I like to make fun of Europe, Crazy Asians, and the South, sometimes I have to face the facts that crazy knows no bounds.

Take, for example, America’s first state. The Wilmington, Delaware, city council passed a resolution that conferred “the rights of personhood” for every human sperm. The resolution, which passed 8-4, was a “tongue-in-cheek” response to the recent Virginia abortion legislation.

The bill’s sponsor, Loretta Walsh, used the bill to focus attention on “the absurdity of men making health decisions for women.” The legislation aims to promote equal representation by forbidding a man from destroying his semen. Thus, if you are not the master of your domain, you may be charged with 200 million deaths. If you live in Wilmington, you probably want to burn that sock at the foot of your bed before Gil Grissom shows up with a glow stick.

Allegheny County Pennsylvania knocked another criminal off their “Most Wanted” list this week with the arrest of Jason Engel. Engel, 21, had skipped a court hearing on charges after a woman accused him of stealing $60, a cell phone, some condoms (safety first), and half dollars and silver dollars totaling $400 fucking dollars from a 2-year-old’s piggy bank. Umm, can someone tell me how a 2-year-old has more money in savings than I do? Perhaps the police should be investigating how this baby is stuffing her diaper with Sacajaweas. Count von Count must be fudging some numbers for your black market lemonade stand. And how big is this piggy bank? How about you open a bank account, toots. What? Dora the Explorer didn’t teach you about diversifying your bonds? Kids these days. Jason Engel is a grown-ass man with grown-ass problems. Sure, it sucks having your money stolen, but Biggie always said, “Mo’ money mo’ problems.”

Across the Pond

I don’t get why God hates me. I gave up fast food for lent and then He goes and creates the McRibster. Not cool, God. Not cool. Seriously though, pack your shit Double-Down, I got a new favorite sandwich that I will immediately regret eating. This is a victory for McDonald’s purists everywhere. The fact that this was created in Austria and not Alabama is mind bottling. I haven’t had a McRib in forever, but I can only imagine how delicious one would be when it is deep-friend and covered with bacon and cheese. Not to mention honey mustard and a spicy sweet chili sauce. Boner jam. I could do without the “crunchy iceberg lettuce [and] red onion.” If you aren’t aiding and abetting my future heart attack then GTFO.

A Frenchman is suing Google after a Street View picture of his manhood was less than spectacular. While a camera might add 10 pounds it does not add inches. You want to know how to not have all your friends and family joke about your shortcomings? Don’t pull your tootsie-roll out in public. Fortunately for Google all they have to do is file a countersuit and the plaintiff will instantly surrender in typical French fashion.

Across the Other Pond

Some Japanese are strange. All cat people are crazy. Combine the two and you get some odd birds. A revision to Japan’s Animal Protection Law has created “a curfew on the public display of cats and dogs, forcing cat cafes to shut up shop at 8 p.m.” I’m not completely fluent in lonely and crazy cat person speak, but in essence, a cat café is a bar/coffee shop where people pay (1,000 yen [$12] per hour) to play with a bunch of cats. Anyone paying money to have a cat sneak up and graze your leg for an hour has some issues. However, if this is a bunch of puppies, I need the name and location of this place ASAP. Happy hour with beers and puppies would be the greatest thing alive. Just got your ass chewed out by a partner . . . bulldogs and bourbon. Girlfriend breaks up with you . . . tequila and terriers. Fail that property exam . . . beers and basset hounds.

Post image from Shutterstock. McDonald’s McRibster image from McDonald’s Austria

Douglas Stephan is a solo attorney and owner of the Law Office of Douglas A. Stephan. He received his JD in 2010 from Ohio Northern University and BA from Ohio University. His practice is located outside of Dayton, Ohio. You can follow him on Twitter @stephanlaw.

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